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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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myotherlife

Complicated Life....

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I don't know where to start so..... I'm married 3 years in September...... I recently discovered that my wife has been cheating on me she tells me only twice but my trust is gone..... anyways recently I had to rush to visit family (medical emergency).....  I've started conversations with my 1st cousin and man we have a lot in common, she makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and I like it... we both see our relationships the same..... and I think that I could get a lot more from my cousin than my wife....... Any advice on what I should do would be fantastic...... My thoughts right now is two see where it goes with the cousin and tell the wife we need to separate....... I'm do not want to be selfish, but I also don't want to piss off my entire family.

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then divorce your wife. she cheated. that doesn't give you the right to do the same thing.

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Divorce her as said, otherwise your being used as a doormat. Doing that, you and your 1st cousin can be together without cheating (having an affair).

nessa76

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So Thinking about my situation this is where I'm at..... for sake of arguments and this post I have 3 moods sad/depressed, OK, and happy! I know that when I'm single that I'm depressed and me being with my wife for the most part makes me OK kind of gives me purpose in life even-tho she has walked all over me.... now my cousin has a good possibility of making me happy lets say 90%. So I told myself that I will leave my wife for her if my cousin is willing to attempt a relationship with me. Now my real issue lies to the fact I kinda came to this about 2 days ago or so I told my cousin this. and the wait Ive only really head about 5 words from the girl and the wait is killing me normally I'm a very patient person. I told her (cousin) that I want a relationship with her and she agreed that she would like to attempt one also. I told her about some of the genetics and the legality stuff that I found here she was very pleased to here that it was more possible than that she thought. Any insight? if you have questions that would better assist you to give me better insight for me just ask.

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I agree with the above. But~~~~~

It is a well known fact that a "rebound" relationship is rarely one to last.

And yes this with your cousin is a "rebound" relationship. You are reeling from the knowledge of your

wife's cheating and your cousin whom you "recently met" makes you feel good.

If your cousin is willing to see where this goes the first thing you have to do is BUILD A FRIENDSHIP.

No hanky-panky! Get to know one another WELL.  If you jump right in with all the benefits first I don't see any

real future for the two of you.

That said, you are getting impatient for her response.  Give her time. You have been mulling this over for longer than she has.

You have "sprung"this on her and she deserves the time she needs to think it through.  Don't be pushy, don't bring it up again unless

she does.

Now to Serendipity's comment. Yes you must finish one relationship before you start another. It is only fair to your wife, cousin and you.

That is why I said build a friendship first.  If you decide to divorce the wife so be it, but complete that first.

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myotherlife,

Once again, ^^^ Wise Roma is wise, and so is Serendipity. I would say I will throw in my two cents, but it will probably be considerably more windy than that, so, my $5.00 worth, OK?

A year ago yesterday, I moved back into my house. My wife of 20 yrs and I had filed for divorce the previous month, and it was all but final. All of this happened very quickly, once the ball was rolling. I will not bash her. Much of the marriage was quite rewarding indeed. However, the relationship from the beginning had been rocky. I would say alcohol was a factor, but, more accurately, an attitude on alcohol was the factor. I had decided, and made it clear for years I would not be elderly and tolerating it. I had decided, and made it clear more recently (~ a year and a half or so ago?) that I wasn't going to wait that long. The abusive behavior was going to stop. And, for several months it did. Things were as good as they had ever been. But, slowly, over time, the same old pattern reemerged. There came an incident one evening that was just totally off the wall insanity, after one of the best days we had ever had, and, before I went to sleep that night, I made up my mind that that was the last time it would happen. I expressed that the following morning, and her response was "I guess we need to get divorced then..." and I said "Start typing." She did, and after a couple changes in verbiage and content, papers were filed. It all went very quickly. Within less than a month of filing, it was over. I had moved out for one month during this, she had most of her things out of here by then, and I came back. I wanted peace and quiet, and I got it.

I had determined, with this having been my THIRD marriage that had failed, that I would never let another woman that close to me again. My Cuz and I were already agreed that we weren't going to be an item, and she was the only one anywhere near one I would even consider letting in, and she's spoken for. We have no stomach for cheating, or, with us both having less than stellar relationships, we would have already done so. Too much stress and drama for us to do so. So, I had a couple girls casually riding the motorcycle with me as friends. One was Cuz's sister, the other a friend who had went through a marriage quite similar to mine. They gave me much levity in my jaded state. I called them "my girls", and we had several very enjoyable rides and evenings out.

In the process, a couple who were riding friends of mine said "There's this woman...." and I cut them off with "NNNOOOOOO", making a cross symbol with my fingers. The woman said "Just hear us out. This is a good woman, she loves to ride, her husband died, and she just wants to get out and date again. She will be up here with us Friday. We want you to come meet her." So, I did, briefly, show up that Friday. I met her, and, yes, she's an attractive and very nice woman. We did our introductions, and that was that. I had other shenanigans going on that night, so I left, thinking at some point we would probably do some riding. It was WAY too soon for me to consider getting serious. I continued to ride with the girls, and try to get my head wrapped around the peace and quiet. I would go uptown and have an adult beverage or two, and, I noticed that sometimes the "Good Widow" would show up. We would speak, or have a conversation, and I decided she would probably ride with me like the girls were. Like them, she was an engaging conversationalist and pleasant company. One evening, Cuz's "Sis" and I were out and about, and a while later, the new girl came in. I invited her to join us, and we had a very enjoyable chat. She excused herself to get a drink or go to the ladies room or something, and as soon as she was out of earshot, Sis looked me right in the eyes and said "You better not let that one get way from you." I was a little taken aback, and said "Don't you think it's a little soon? Let the ink dry on the divorce papers for crying out loud....LOL" She said " I don't care, I'm just telling you, THAT'S a good one." Ok, I took it under advisement, naturally. A couple weeks or so passed, and the "Good Widow" and I had exchanged phone numbers that night, and had talked a couple times. She mentioned that yet another friend of mine had somehow gotten her number, and any time I showed up, and she was there, she would text her saying "He's here..." LMAO. So, I invited her up that evening, but told her to wait until she got a text from this other patron. I then went uptown, ordered a brew, and watched this gal out of the corner of my eye. Sure enough, within a few minutes, she nonchalantly slid her phone to the edge of the bar, and started to text. I got up, walked by her, and said "She'll be here in 5 minutes..." LOL..BUSTED! She blushed and tried to play all innocent, saying "Who? Who?" I said "Who you are texting, that's WHO!!!" So, she came up, we all got a good laugh out of it, and went about our business. About an hour or so later, the other girl who had been riding with me saw the bike, and stopped in. Like Sis, I introduced her to the "Good Widow" and we had a nice conversation. Again, she stepped away, and as soon as she was out of earshot, the other girl looked me in the eyes and said the same exact thing Sis had said. Verbatim. "You'd better not let this one get away from you." Now, when a woman who is riding with you says such a thing, KNOWING she will be replaced on the back of the Harley, it gets your attention. When TWO of them do it, it's a consensus, and it behooves you to at least consider it. So, I did, and indeed, the "Good Widow" replaced the girls on the Harley. It was still awful soon, and I knew full well the reputation of "rebound" relationships. The girls, the other couple, and everyone else who steered us together were right though. Cuz has met her, and has told me how much she likes her too, and how happy she is for me. She IS a most wonderful companion. We will realize the one year anniversary of our first official "date" in a little over a month. In all this time, she has never raised her voice to me, more less screeched in my ear under the influence. We've not had the first disagreement, (other than who's turn it is to buy dinner, LOL) more less an argument.

I've never openly went into all of this, and, had you not been facing divorce, I probably wouldn't have. I say all of that to agree with the others. You BOTH need to be unattached. You may face varying degrees of drama as it is, you don't need cheating added to it. You need to spend considerable face time, if not calendar time, together to be sure you are compatible and on the same page. As Roma said, give her time, and let her digest all of this. When she does get back with you, if she's nervous about the cousin thing, ask her to not consider that factor just yet, but to consider if you two would be compatible to face that drama should it come. You need to let her know that first things first would be for the both of you to be unattached, and there should be plenty of talk, and no acting on it until such time as you both are unattached. IF these things fall into place, then I would advise you to set down with her and show her this site. Let her peruse the information here. You need not rush, but, not all "rebound" relationships should be ruled out, out of hand. They must be based on both of you being agreed on all the high points of what you want out of a relationship though. 

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Hawk has said it all = EXCEPT he forgot to recommend the NP book = which he has read  lol

the book is NASTY PEOPLE:  HOW TO STOP BEING HURT BY THEM WITHOUT STOOPING TO THEIR LEVEL by Dr. Jay Carter.

That book is so helpful and I plug it all the time.

Good luck.  HUGS

Nat

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GOOD NEWS...... WOW.....

So I posted yesterday I didn't know what to think of this entire situation. I want to thank everyone who posted on this thread and how helpful you have been especially Hawk because a rebound relationship was a big scare to us(me and cousin) both and happy you shared your story with me and the rest of the forum. So now I have good news to my developing situation between my cousin and me. I just heard moments ago that she is leaving the south going to move in with my sister, all so she can be closer to me! Right now I'm like a little school girl, grinning ear to ear, the whole nine yards minus the girl part. Now my life does get more complicated with this newly added news. I understand what this means at least I think it does. Granted we have a long way to go with our relationship and dealing with family. 

So some bad news and what to do.....

My wife and I have been married for 3 years Monday. I know that This is a little one sided but this is how I feel. Recently in the last 2 months several people have came forward one of them was my wife's best friend who said that she takes me for granted and doesn't appreciate how much I do for her. You guys know that she has cheated and I told my self along time ago that was a deal breaker for me. So why am i still here? well read my last post and you can start to understand and secondly I don't judge quickly never have and rather that is a flaw or not can be up to you the reader. The facts - I work hard I'm a independent sub-contractor and I manage to pay my bills be home most days at a reasonable time (5-7). When I get home if I don't bring something home for dinner I have to make our dinner. I have to make sure that my dogs, cats, and fish have food and water. I pick up the kitchen put the stuff in the dishwasher, do laundry and try to pick up the house when I can. Now for the last few days she has picked up cooked dinner for the first time in over a month and did 3 loads of laundry. And she did come and visit me at work( I work for my family right next door to where I live) witch she never does. Most of the time she avoids my family, made me hate the holidays and my family functions. She does go to school online.....

She usually goes in cycles of nice times however they are typically very far apart and I see them when she knows I'm about to break. I can honestly say that her cycle toward me.... is a month of nice to unhappy for a long period then she goes out of the house usually this happens if I give her some extra cash or she gets a refund from school she finds friends hangs out makes stupid choices and then ends up being cheating or thinking about it. She told me numerous times when we first got married that she didn't want to be married when she was this young.

Right now we are in nice times..... so it really makes it hard to leave get a divorce and move on with life while I'm still young so that I can enjoy a relationship/my life with my cousin or whoever wants to share it with me.

FYI.... I normally don't write so please ignore my mistakes and if I leave something out just ask honestly it helps to be able to talk about it.

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Oh boy! I have to throw my 2 cents in too. If you wife has cheated twice already, there is no reason to believe she will stop. This happened in my 18 year marriage to my cousin -- toward the end of it.

You certainly could go to counseling and try to put this whole thing behind you. As a Christian counselor, that is what I would suggest. But I would be a big fat hypocrite for demanding this. Like you said, it is a deal breaker. Once you break something, the pieces don't go back together. I know how you feel. Trust me. Exactly.

I will say this is the first time in my life that I have wrestled with loneliness ( a little bit ). I've always had plenty of friends and then I married fairly young. Now I have lost everything. It's one hell of a place to be. Notwithstanding all that I have been through, I am enjoying my bachelorhood. I'm not even chasing wild women at the moment. Everyone is trying to "fix me up." I'm not ready for anything serious.

If it really was a deal breaker, then separate and divorce. Don't start one relationship until you end the first one. Enjoy your freedom for a bit, before you commit to another. I am glad you found a spark between your and your cousin. But don't rush into anything. That is insanity; Be smart bro.

I think your marriage could be salvaged. Don't let an infatuation between your and your cousin be "the decider" as GW Bush would say :) That is why you need some time alone. Then, you can "find yourself" and know which direction to go. There is no guarantee that a marriage with your cousin (or anyone else) will be any better that what you have now. You think about that.

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I have to disagree with KC = I don't think your marriage can be salvaged - it is no marriage if YOU do all the work, pay all the bills and she only contributes when she's in the proper mood! 

I tell everyone about the NP book because it helps you identify those who want to control you.  A controller is a bully. 

Hawk told you his story but he forgot one important fact - he read the NP book BEFORE he met his current love!

I had two failed marriages before I read the book - actually I was married when I found the book.  That husband did not want to change, did not like the way I changed and walked out on me.  He left me with no job, no money and no car.  My friends here on cc.com will tell you how much better my life is now.  I am happy and having a great time!  I tell everyone I am "filthy rich" - I just have a slight cash flow problem.  LOL

I lost count of how many times I've read the book - it is a positive way of "brainwashing". 

HUGS

Nat

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One of my relatives divorced and married another girl. He didn't know it at the time, but she was ALREADY married. Her hubby was in prison. He now ONLY refers to her as "the beast." Another relative divorced and had a child with another. Afterwards, he realized she was absolutely crazy. He had to move on.

Things can get worse lol. And I don't know what the OP means when he says "cheating." I saw a woman on a talk show wanting a divorce because she caught her hubby watching internet porn (he was cheating in her book). Well I guess we will all have to get divorced. I went to foxnews.com today and they had lots of hot mommas featured. For a moment, I was just glad to be alive. I think they love Paris Hilton as much as I.

I'm just saying don't get divorced for a frivolous reason. One knows when their marriage is over -- it's when you absolutely can't take the cheating anymore. I think getting remarried without some down time is just a bad idea too.

I have to disagree with KC = I don't think your marriage can be salvaged - it is no marriage if YOU do all the work, pay all the bills and she only contributes when she's in the proper mood! 

I tell everyone about the NP book because it helps you identify those who want to control you.  A controller is a bully. 

Hawk told you his story but he forgot one important fact - he read the NP book BEFORE he met his current love!

I had two failed marriages before I read the book - actually I was married when I found the book.  That husband did not want to change, did not like the way I changed and walked out on me.  He left me with no job, no money and no car.  My friends here on cc.com will tell you how much better my life is now.  I am happy and having a great time!  I tell everyone I am "filthy rich" - I just have a slight cash flow problem.  LOL

I lost count of how many times I've read the book - it is a positive way of "brainwashing". 

HUGS

Nat

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One of my relatives divorced and married another girl. He didn't know it at the time, but she was ALREADY married. Her hubby was in prison. He now ONLY refers to her as "the beast."

.............

I'm just saying don't get divorced for a frivolous reason. One knows when their marriage is over -- it's when you absolutely can't take the cheating anymore. I think getting remarried without some down time is just a bad idea too.

OMG, this is rich... 

I often call the second ex-wife "The Good Ex-wife" and the last one "The Former DW" here on the site. I have probably mentioned that the first ex-wife was considerably older than me, and a true sociopath. I think "The Beast" would fit her nicely, and may start using that in reference to her. That shoe certainly fits her, no doubt about it. It has been well over 20 years since I last saw her, and even THAT has been too recent.

I forgot to mention my agreement with LadyC and Nessa76 too. Small oversight on my part, remedied here.

And, as Nat mentioned, I did read the NP book. I was already pretty well versed in dealing with nasty people. It probably only tempered my "stooping to their level" a LITTLE  bit. I usually let them carry on with a smile on my face, until I've had an a$$ full. At that point, being 6'3" and about 235# at the moment, I usually only have to tell them once (not so nicely) to, how should I put this that you get the idea without engaging the cuss filter????,,, humm, well, to STFU. How's that? Most always works like a charm. When it doesn't, divorce does..... I guess the book helped me ignore more up to the smiling part. 

When I got my copy, I also bought one for Cuz. I'm pretty sure she read it, because between my prodding her to be more assertive, and I suppose reading the book, she has become more assertive, at least professionally. It is working out well for her.

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myotherlife, you've read quite a bit here and received some advice from several perspectives.  I'm one who frequently goes against the tide, primarily just because I can, so I'm going to throw yet another perspective in here to see if I can gum up the works a bit (okay, seriously, I do have a different perspective).

You say your wife cheated, but as was pointed out, you don't define what "cheated" means.  I don't suppose it matters about the details, whether it was a physical relationship involving intercourse or whether it was just reading "Fifty Shades of Grey".  What DOES matter is that you and she have had a serious communication problem AND you've now stepped outside the marriage as well.  While your relationship with your cousin may or may not be physical, it certainly counts as an emotional affair.  While you were still in a marriage, you were already looking for your wife's replacement.

As others have stated, you absolutely should NOT start anything with your cousin until and unless you are divorced.  I don't recall so I'm going to write the rest of this as if there are no children involved in any of this (with your and your wife or with your cousin and her husband/boyfriend/whatever).

First and foremost, to your marriage:  You've been married 3 years.  That's still very newlywed in my book.  You say you're young.  Well, young people do dumb stuff for very selfish and immature reasons.  Sometimes, they even have casual sex outside their marriage or even affairs (the primary difference being the duration and degree of emotional attachment or familiarity between the two).

It is up to you whether or not you divorce your wife but if that is your plan, you should do it openly, honestly, and quickly.  Do yourself and her the justice of not dragging this out, keeping either of you from getting on with your lives.  It's the humane thing to do.  Once that's complete, you're free to pursue any unmarried woman who'll have you.

My 2 cents (and that may be inflated) say to give your marriage another shot.  Do what no one seems to do these days:  have an actual open and honest conversation with the woman you promised everything to.  Don't just ask us what you should do.  Ask her!  I think you'll be surprised just how far an honest relationship where the couple actually talks to one another can go.  It'll be tough and you'll have to man up enough to not lose your temper or get emotionally charged but you need her to explain to you WHY she went outside the marriage.  If she gets accusatory, suck it up and listen.  Listen to understand what she's saying and why she thinks the way she does - not so you can just reply and hit back with words.

Now, I may be a bit naive here - I've never been in your shoes.  But if you love your wife the way you ought, you can help her become the woman she needs and wants to be.  The catch is that it won't happen until you become the man you need (and she needs you) to be.  That's a tough pill to swallow.  I'm not saying it's your fault that she cheated.  It's not.  I'm saying that there are things a married couple can do to prevent cheating (and stop it and recover from it).

For what it's worth, go to Amazon and find the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley.  Read that book.  Even if you get divorced, read that book.  You'll need to know what it says in your next relationship.

Best wishes,

CM

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For what it's worth, go to Amazon and find the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley.  Read that book.  Even if you get divorced, read that book.  You'll need to know what it says in your next relationship.

/Love Busters/ by Harley is also worth reading, in a completely different way. It addresses Love Bank withdrawals rather than deposits. At minimum, skim the table of contents and see if you have any of the behaviors listed there.

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@ColoradoMarried

thank you for your advise. I took action before you even read the post from you and you were spot on. The wife and I had a good conversation got all our emotions in the open, about the affairs and so forth. Also this was a good turning point for my cousin who now wants to restart her life. I know everything happens for a reason and looking back I don't regret what I did because it made my relationship with my wife strong again and I hope it stays strong from now into eternity.  this is not how i saw this ending but im happy about it none the less.

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