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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest Kaylaillyse

Teenage

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Hello! I'm 16, and I have a huge crush on my 17 year old second cousin. He lives a state away. We've known each other since birth and have many childhood memories together. I dont know about him, but I've always had a secret attraction to him. When we got to be teenagers, we lost touch and I didn't see him until last summer. He came to stay with me this last weekend and we stayed up until 5 am cuddling and watching our favorite movie. It seemed like he had an extreme attraction to me as well, but i don't think I'll ever ask him about it. He kept telling me how beautiful I was and even once he told me that I was making him like me. I never realized how much we had in common. I don't think he did either. We talked about our memories and our dreams. We had deep talks. He fell asleep a couple times because the movie was 3 and a half hours but I stayed awake in shock at myself. Was this really happening? I was really imagining me being with him. It was a weird feeling because I didn't even see him as family right then, I just saw him as someone I knew very well and loved very much. In front of our family even, he would come and kiss my shoulder playfully. He's very affectionate. Even when we were playing video games with the cousin he would sit right next to me with our legs touching at all times. I just felt like it was something more than a cousinly love. Is it wrong? I feel like it's so wrong but so right. I've never felt like I've had this kind of a connection before. And I know! I'm very young! But I know what love is. Maybe this is a phase, I'll try to give it time. I'm scared to even think about what our family would think. Suggestions?

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first of all, there is nothing wrong with you, or with your feelings. did you know that 2nd cousins can even get married anywhere in the entire world without a problem? including the USA! and that medically, genetically speaking, 2nd cousins share an almost identical amount of genetic similarity as totally unrelated people? seriously... unrelated people share 1/33 genes in common... 2nd cousins share 1/32. there is absolutely no increased risk of any kind of birth defects for children of 2nd cousins. (that's not to say there is no risk at all, there's just no risk that can be attributed to kinship. everybody has a small chance of having children with problems.) and religiously speaking, first cousins were allowed to marry in the bible. 2nd cousins weren't even considered an issue at all.

however....

yes, you are young. and i have no doubt you know what love is, but you will learn a lot more about love as the years go by. don't rush this! focus first on getting through school and possibly even college. if this is meant to be, then waiting will only strengthen the chances of a relationship lasting for a lifetime. move too quickly, and you're risking a high probability of both of you being hurt and damaging even the family relationship you have with each other.

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Thank you for your advice. It really helped me. I'm really glad I found this site. It's good to hear that the genetic part is okay. The part I'm really nervous about is social acceptance. I live in the US in Wisconsin to be exact and I know for a fact we would be discriminated tremendously. I shouldn't care what others think, I know. But it's not the strangers opinions that bother me, it's my family and friends. I won't say anything to him if he doesn't say anything to me about it. I kind of like this unknown stage of a possible blooming relationship. It's so fresh and growing. If I can keep this same bond with him until I'm done with school, like you say, and I still feel the same, and he also feels the same, then maybe I'll have to make some sacrifices. Time will give me a chance to think everything through. And hopefully reach a reasonable outcome. But thank you for your kind words and advice. I know this is a cousin couples site but I was nervous about negative comments!

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friends and family will probably be less judgmental than you think. if they make faces, you can always say "hey, it's not like we're FIRST cousins or anything!" for some reason people who think it's weird tend to not be so weirded out if it's more distant.

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Kaylakxoxoxo,

LadyC has paraphrased what is known around here as my "broken record speech to young members." Keep in touch, keep the same closeness you have, and keep your noses in the books. Encourage him to do the same. You both need, if not a degree, some sort of training/certifications to get gainful employment, and your independence. Once you are out on your own, let people talk. That's all they can do about it. Don't be surprised if your family is considerably more accepting than you currently think they would be.

I have a very special second cousin who I'll never be an item with, but, we did have our "moment" back in the day. Our Mom's are first cousins, and like you, she was worried about what people would say. I would have told them to take a hike. Our Moms would not have had a problem with it. We made it pretty obvious to her Mom one morning, and, while she was speechless for a few seconds, once she picked her chin up off the coffee table, she got a HUGE grin, and never said a word about it. We were 20 at the time, and, looking back, had we waited a couple more years, things might have been considerably different, and we would have went for it. Had we been in closer touch when we were your age, and as close as we had been when we were younger, by the time we were 20, it may very well have been old enough. Had we both spoken our mutual attraction at your age (16/17) and decided to put it on hold for a couple years or so, 20 may have been old enough. But, by the time we were your age, we had moved from being right across the street from each other, and though it was only a matter of a few miles, we drifted apart. We were still, (and always will be) each other's favorite cousin, but I graduated from a different school, our circle of friends changed, and though they overlapped, we didn't see as much of each other until circumstances brought us back together in a big way for a short time. It was very intense, in very short order. She got nervous, and we walked away from it.

Don't be us. Take things slowly. You've already known each other your whole lives. While my use of the phrase is a little more advanced than I will use it here, You've met, ok? You know each other well. You have the same likes and interests. I bet you finish each other's sentences don't you? I bet you look into each other's eyes and have a pretty good idea of what the other is thinking and about to say sometimes, don't you? That's not unusual at all either. Happens a lot with cousins. He's already said "You're making me like you." That means, he likes you, OK? Now, since the two of you are already on the same page just below the surface, and know each other so well, and, aren't 12 anymore, I recommend going ahead and having an adult conversation on the topic. As we call it around here, "having The Talk." Get it all out in the open with each other, then, for at least a couple more years, keep it on the down low. Perhaps bring him here to the site if you get the opportunity to do so. Show him this thread, and our advice. Then, follow it. In a matter of a couple to a few short years, you can be in the position to go for it. When you do, don't let anybody stop you........

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