lew91

2nd cousin woes. does she like me?

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Hi there guys, ive had a look on here a couple of times but ive finally decided i need some advice on my situation. i hope you guys will help! :)

So my mother got in contact with her cousins 2 months ago, after 30 years. they all hit it off as they were close when they were younger. Anyway, my immediate family and i went to visit my mother's cousin and his family in europe last weekend as it was my mother's cousin's daughter birthday (my second cousin right?). my parents had already been so they were all acquainted but my sister and i met them for the first time. I instantly liked them all, they are nice people.

side note before i forget - Apparently when my parents first visited, they showed them a video of me playing at a gig and my 2nd cousin (?) said i have to meet him. my father joked that we were cousins but her father said its ok as we arent 1st cousins... all as a joke by the way.  i think this is what put me on this path in the first place.

back to the story, after a couple of days i started to feel some sort of a thing for her (lets call her kate). we began to talk 1-1 conversations a little as well as amongst the family. i felt that she would regularly look at me when we were all laughing and joking, most of the time i would be looking at her too, but sometimes i thought i could see her in my peripheral vision. i also thought she was copying my movements etc.. but that could well have been my imagination or just something that apparently some people do.

we seem to share a lot of similarities (food likes, some personality traits etc...) in fact one night we all went to a restaurant and she had exactly the same food and drink as i did haha. im sure that was a coincidence though. we had shared a car journey for an hour or so, to and from the restaurant. on the way was quite silent really. the odd talk amongst the group in the car and occasionally me and her. on the way back i did speak directly to her a little more.

by that time we got back to the house, we seemed to be a little more interactive (or at least it felt that way).

when we left the next morning, i gave her a hug as i did with her mother and that was that. i was feeling very depressed and ill at that point which was partially due to her and due to the fact that i didnt want to come back to my normal life that iam so unhappy with.

the day after i decided to speak to her online, we got chatting and didnt really stop talking to eacother for about 2 days until last night at 12am where she said she had to go to bed in order to be up early for college, which i know to be true as i saw her timetable haha. in the time that we talked though, it was natural, we joked etc... and i purposely put and end to topics to see if she would continue to talk. which she did do.  i havent spoken to her since then and we have both been online since. i didnt want to start talking to her again so soon incase i was annoying her or freaked her out.

so! sorry for the long story, i have no idea what to do and what to think. does she like me? or should i try to forget about now? i feel like i may be thinking theres this connection because i want there to be, when really its just that we get on well and thats that. but im obsessing over the situation so i need help!

i should mention that im a bit of a messed up person, emotionally speaking. im not in a good place with my life right now, its pretty comfortable but im not happy at all. i have no friends, pretty much no social life, i hate my job's and where i live. as far as women go,  i think get attached far too quickly and i suffer for it as i also suffer from depression. right now i feel like absolute crap, i dont want to do anything, speak to anyone (apart from her) and it all because of her and that ive come back to this life i hate.

i spoke to my sister about it and she thinks that i feel as bad as i do because i met a new girl who is different from all those where i live, and because i went to a new country and culture. (ive been feeling like i need to get away from my home country and its people).

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Good general guideline:

"You'd worry less about what people think of you if you knew how seldom they do."

If you and she have only just met, and you're thinking about her a LOT, it's a good bet that she's not, she's just thinking about her life. What you do about that is up to you--but please don't obsess, it's never useful.

But if you're just trying to figure out the question of "do I have anything to offer women?" it sounds to me like this girl finds you attractive on multiple levels, so other girls probably do too, although it sounds like you're not very attracted to the girls close to home. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Oh, one other thought: I don't see any harm in having that same conversation that you had with your sister with your cousin as long as you're calm and matter-of-fact about it. As you say, she is from a different country so she might have a different perspective. "Hey, I'm curious about your take on something. For some reason, I find myself way more attracted to you than I am to any girls I've ever met over here. Do you think I just have a thing for German girls [or whatever] or is it something about you specifically? I'm thinking I should move to Germany, I might like it better there." You're second cousins who didn't meet until adulthood so that question isn't even all that weird, and it's always useful to have a friend to talk to. (After all, isn't that why you're here on this forum?)

P.S. If you feel like you need to get away from your home country, seriously, do it. It's a big world, and it gets better over time. Context changes can be hugely reinvigorating.

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thank you for that advice, it does make me think a little more rationally about it all.

i hate that im an obsessive person, i over think things a lot as a result. largely the reason why my depression can get bad. one thing can make me think about everything else ive locked away etc... and it spirals out of control.

i was feeling a bit better these last few days because i have been speaking to her a lot. iam feeling however that i could be only doing more harm to myself by continuing to talk to her, and so often, because i dont think things will venture down the path id like.  with all that said though, iam aware that its not all about her but about my life in general and me liking her is the only positive thing i can see in my life right now, hence why im latching on so much. perhaps i need to severe ties in order to forget and then get my life on track, rather than end up disappointed and have an even tougher time afterwards...

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Honestly, you sound like a pretty normal-but-intelligent person who is in a lonely place right now. When you say stuff like, "as far as women go,  i think get attached far too quickly and i suffer for it as i also suffer from depression," I think, "Yep, been there, it stinks." The qualities that you are beating yourself up for are actually the same qualities which will make you a fantastic husband at some point, it's just that you're at a stage in life (it sounds like you are late teens or early twenties) where the average person measures their own social standing by whom they can get away with mistreating. Ergo, for immature girls, the only guys they want to be around are the ones who mistreat them before the girls can do the mistreating. Miss Manners says people grow out of this phase eventually, and some people (including you, obviously) never go through this phase in the first place.

Anyway, I think severing ties would be a severe overreaction at this point which would just make you feel worse about yourself, ergo counterproductive. You never want to turn a friend into a therapist, because that undermines self-reliance, but when it comes to seeking perspective on yourself, a close personal relationship (sister, friend, cousin) will probably be able to be more helpful to you than we could. Ironically, that part would probably work better if she WEREN'T interested in you, because if she is then your pain will cause her pain--but I really do think your loneliness in your current situation should be thought of and kept separate from your relationship with your cousin, at least in your own head. "I really like Elizabeth [or whatever her name is]" and "this place stinks and I want out," shouldn't become "This place stinks so I should go visit Elizabeth," because you could in theory find a way to enjoy where you are and yet still want to see Elizabeth (but in a much happier, more relaxed state), or you could decide that you don't want to pursue Elizabeth and yet you still are attracted to the country she comes from. They're two independent things. Moreover I would encourage you to not talk about both problems in the same conversation, for your own sake and for Elizabeth's self-esteem. But I think it would be fine to talk over either issue with a friend, sister, or cousin.

But what do I know, I'm just a guy on the Internet. :) You know yourself better than I do.

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Thank you again for your reply, it was most helpful and you seem to have a pretty damn accurate idea of what your dealing with! (Me) Haha.

Yeah iam 23 so you are right about that, and yep ive seemed to have missed out on the whole bad boy charm that females my age love so much. Frustrating fact of life that is, ha.

In the last year or 2 i havent really had anything more than a fling/ series of dates witha couple of girls. This is because well, i seemed to have developed an introverted outlook on socialising after losing contact with friends, and honestly i just didnt want a relationship with a girl because i was content on my own and without the hassles they bring. This has changed since meeting my cousin though. It sounds very cliche and cheesy but things feel different with her. That also sounds very juvenile (for want of a better word) when you take into consideration that i have only known her for a very short amount of time.

We have still been chatting very regularly and really want to think that she thinks of me more than just her "new" cousin but i dont want to talk to her about this, for the fear that i'll weird her out, destroy this friendship and/or alienate myself from her family. Im still struggling with the whole attachment/obsessing thing, im trying to be rational and logical about the matter, and take into the likley reality that she is not thinking about me nearly as much i her.... But what can i say?! Im failing. All i want is to spend more time with her, in her Country, getting to know her. Its stopping me from being able to plan out my trip/s that i'll soon be embarking on, in an effort to refresh my life...yes ive decided iam quitting my jobs and selling all my occupational equipment to fund this.

Sorry for writing so much that is pretty pointless info, its my only way to let out. I dont want to speak with my sister about it again for a few reasons, plus i think shes hiding that shes not too big on the whole cousin thing.

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