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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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nsdc

A strain on the relationship

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Hello everyone

So its been a little over 3 years no since me and Amanda decided to jump ship and be together.

We have definitely had our ups and downs. thank the lord it has been mostly ups.

Of course with any relationship, to more you are with someone the more you get to know them. Sometimes you see sides of a person that makes you wonder if you made the correct decision to be with them.

So over the years i have came to terms with a lot of issues Amanda has. I do love her after all.

I will say this, she has came a very long way from what she used to be, but sometimes i ask my self if her self improvements are on a positive track or a more negative track.

I need help understanding something.

so here is what currently happened

Me and my co-workers have decided to to a team builder, by setting up computers at a small church, and helping the youth learn about PCs. The event is every other Tuesday and since there are 5 of us, we are breaking into groups of 2, which means we would only have to teach this class once a month.

So i told Amanda this morning that i did not want to bring her and her 3 kids with me today. soon as i told her that, her attitude turn to shit, she was very short with her answers this morning, and instead of saying i love you and god bye, she looked at me, said bye, and looked back down at her phone.

Now i know when someone is being a smart ass, and has there nose in the air.

My point is, why do women do that?

I mean before i could even explain why, her first reaction is to shun me. and this happens more frequently then i like to admit.

Its almost like i'm dealing with a young adult.

its starting to take its tole on me. and the sad part is, EVERY time i talk to her afterwards of her acting like a damn child, she apologizes and admits she was wrong.. Its just a waste of time to get so angry for no reason!!

HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHY!!!!

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ok look at your own words and what you said to her.

you DON'T WANT to bring her.

you DON'T WANT to bring her kids.

i don't know if this is something she's gone with you to before, or if this is a first time, but you really should stop and consider how it sounds from her point of view. you said she shuns you and asked why... but maybe she feels like you're shunning her and the kids? it sounds to me like when she gets her feelings hurt, and feels rejected, (which being told you don't want her to go with you must have felt like) she becomes aloof. it's a self-protecting trait. lots of people do that.

and a word of wisdom.... you don't help matters EVER by belittling her with remarks about her acting like a damn child. we each have our own way of dealing with hurt feelings. all of us. even you. how would you feel if she belittled you for dealing with rejection the way you do?

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You make very valid points.

but i will add this.

shouldn't i atleast been able to explain why, before she jumped to a conclusion.

as soon as i told her i was not going to bring them. she snapped.

there was no, well why not, or whats wrong? or anything.

I just feel it was a waste of a great morning.

and of course i did just talk to her, and like always i explained why, and she apologized.

These arguments that are easily avoided are just starting to take a toll on me.

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I suggest you do some serious research on the differences between men and women.  We are totally different and expecting a person to respond to things just as you do is NOT going to work. 

I recommend a book:  MEN ARE FROM MARS/WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS.  It explains the different ways men and women react to life and relationships.

Good luck

Nat

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yep, good book.

in the meantime, try this next time.... before telling her you don't want her to go with you somewhere, sit down with her well in advance (not as you're ready to leave) and talk to her about it, leading with the explanation rather than expecting her to listen to an explanation after the fact. i think it's all in the presentation.

instead of 'i don't want you and the kids to go with me to this" and then trying to explain why, the conversation could be more like this...

"ya know, this thing i have to do is going to be pretty limited on space, and my concentration is going to be pretty focused. fortunately i only have to do this once a month though. so how about if you take the kids to see a movie while i get this out of the way, and then we can do something fun together this evening?"

i guarantee you'll get a very different kind of response from her.

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I may be jumping to conclusions here, but it sounds like your balance in her Love Bank could be low. (Love Bank: the sum of positive and negative experiences and interactions. When Love Bank balance is high, she is in love with you. As balance decreases, what was once easy to overlook becomes less so, conflict increases and/or emotional withdrawal occurs, and at extremely negative balances, love turns to hatred and nasty divorces loom on the horizon.) If so, it could be due to either some of her emotional needs going unfulfilled (failure to deposit positive units in the Love Bank), or to a Love Buster behavior on your part (frequent withdrawals from the Love Bank). If you think this could be the case for you, I'd recommend getting a book by Willard F. Harley, Jr., either /Love Busters/ or /His Needs, Her Needs/, and familiarizing yourself with its contents and maybe discussing it with her. Try to restore that feeling of being mutually in love by doing things for her that are deeply appreciated (Harley recommends 15 hours a week devoted exclusively to meeting your spouse's emotional needs) and avoiding behaviors which bother her (could be anything from angry outbursts to slouching or licking the knife at dinner).

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nsdc,

Hawk recommends Harley too. Not Willard F. Harley, although it sounds like he's quite the learned fellow.

No, Hawk recommends Harley F. Davidson..... works like a charm.  :wink: :evil:

When she thinks you are not considering her needs and feelings, all you have to do is say "Saddle up Woman, we're going to go cool the steam, and relieve the stress." When she hears that rumble, feels that shake, and the wind in her hair, the days' drama magically disappears. Works wonders I tell ya........  :laugh:

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hawk, LOL, would you suggest they tie the children onto the tailpipes?

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Nope, one on the handlebars, one on the gas tank, and tie the youngest to the sissy bar.  :evil:

 

Seriously though, I don't remember nsdc mentioning the ages of the children, but I would think the eldest might be old enough to keep an eye on things long enough for them to take a half hour ride or so. It wouldn't take but about that long..... :grin:

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yeah, probably true, i just thought i'd throw some twisted humor in there!

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