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cant get him out of my mind ! ! !

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before i start, i will have you know that i am very lazy when i type for something that isnt going to be graded so i dont capitalize anything or make paragraphs so bear with me grammatically. My love for him started as far as i could remember when he moved back to my city in 2004 when i was 9 and he was 24. i dont know why but we always had so much fun together. he worked for my mom for a while and when i was there at the office just playing around and stuff he would get there at around 3 or 4 from being out marketing all day. i remember always looking forward to seeing him every afternoon. i would always go chill with him while he did whatever he needed to do. i would mess with him, laugh with him, talk about random stuff, and tickle each other. we were automatically best friends. i never realized at the time how much these feelings of attraction would grow. now i am 19 and he is 34 and its been ten years since this all started. i had hidden my feelings for him from everyone for 9 years until i turned 18. i was getting so anxious and paranoid that someone would notice how i act around him. i was more worried about my boyfriend whom ive been dating for over 2 years now finding out about my insane love for my cousin. im still not 100% sure wether or not this is true love between my cousin and i but if it isnt then why is it getting in the way of my relationship so much ? ! so like i was saying, my anxiety got worse and worse and it got so bad that my boyfriend got worried and he decided to help me deal with whatever was making me so anxious. he is a very understanding and loving man so i told him that i had feelings for my cousin and my half brother but my feelings for my half brother are NOTHING compared to my feelings for my cousin. my boyfriend was surprisingly very understanding and it didnt seem to bother him very much besides the fact that i was in such a bad emotional state. my boyfriend suggested that one of the ways i can resolve these feelings is to let my cousin know how i felt since i had been hanging out with him more and more during that time (between march and april of 2014). on march 3rd, our grandfather passed away. at his funeral, i couldnt stop wanting to be next to arthur, my cousin. i saw him sobbing and it made me sob. after the service arthur and i went up to see our grandfather for the last few times in his casket. we both broke down crying. we cried in each others arms for what seemed like 10 minutes but i never wanted to let him go. i wanted to keep being this close to him. i felt so bad for feeling the way i did at the funeral but it brought us closer together. as we usually do after family events, art, my brother, and i all hung out after the funeral and oh my glob every time we hang out i wish it would never end. then as we were about to bury our grandfather, our aunt in san diego passed away too, she had been very sick for many years so it wasnt too surprising. we were all invited to the funeral but only art, my closest aunt, my mother and my brother got to go to san diego for her funeral. so we all went. this was before i told art how i felt. i had already mentioned to art that i needed to talk to him about something in private and we had several opportunities to confess while in san diego but i chickened out. we were in san diego for about 4 or 5 days and in those few days i fell harder for art than i ever have. art isnt the greatest guy on earth like my boyfriend but he is so him and thats what i love about him. he is so funny and just ajksdhfjklsdhfdhfdf i cant really explain logically why i love him so much but i just do for some strange reason but i am a very strange person. anyways, the first thing i noticed from him was when we went to joes crab shack in san diego. we were about to go inside to the restaurant but my mom wanted to take a picture of me in front of the restaurant. as she was about to do that i was posing and art just comes up to me, grabs me as tight and close to him as he can and poses with me. oh my glob i remember my heart skipping a beat when he did that. it surprised me because he hadnt done anything like that to me ever. he smooshed his face against mine too which i though was cute. my heart was beating too fast at this point. we walked in the restaurant and i saved art a seat right next to me as he or i usually do. i know he is left handed so i let him sit in the corner even though i love sitting in the corner. as we ate and had a fantastic time he kept getting closer and closer to me, rubbing himself on me. i could feel the tension so much you could cut it with a knife but only we noticed. the rest of my family just thought we were just having a good time i suppose. it was very subtle but holy chiz it was quite steamy being so secret and taboo. he would let me lean on him and put my head on his shoulder which i loved. he is a quite tall and burly man with a full beard which i love. we were inseparable during that trip as we usually are except when im with my boyfriend. i followed him around as if i were his shadow as i usually do. so anyways. i almost told him while we were in the car alone together in san diego but i chickened out. he seemed to already know what i was going to say. he knows me too well. so about two weeks after we came back to our city here in texas we continued to hang out all the time as if nothing were going on. neither of us knew at this point for sure how we felt. i still was so scared to tell him but my boyfriend convinced me to tell him. so i did. i told him around the 15th of this past april. i feel like i need to let all this out so i will. he picked me up from my house the day that i told him. my boyfriend was completely understanding which im very grateful for. anyways, he picked me up in his little mazda miata and we were driving around my neighborhood. we were going down a very familiar road to me when i very nervously and anxiously told him how i felt. it didnt seem to phase him. he then told me that he has been feeling the same way for quite some time. when he said that, holy chiz, i remember my heart skipping a few beats and then beating faster and faster and faster like i was about to faint from joy and relief. we then went to go talk on this cement bench by the river which is very private since not a lot of people walk by the river. we talked and talked for about 2 hours maybe more about how we feel and what we should do about this. we decided to maybe act upon our feelings eventually but not yet. i talked to him about this one time when i was 15 and he was 30 and we were throwing this bad*ss party for my other cousin who doesnt interest me at all. there were tons of people and i was the youngest person there. i decided to enjoy the party and i noticed that art was on something that i had never tried. he was indeed on something that i wont mention for legal reasons so i begged him to give me some because i was so bored and i wanted to enjoy the party without drinking like mostly everyone else did. he gave me half of one dose. i was already following him around that night and he totally let me since i am his favorite cousin and i was the youngest and new to parties like that. i started tripping out a bit and i asked him to go talk to me in private. so we went to the front of the house and sat down in this little spot. we talked about the dangers of what he had given me and i agreed to take it easy with it if i ever do it again. we were both feeling amazing and he asked me if i wanted a massage. of course i giggled and said yes. he got behind me and started giving me a massage. since i was on what i was on it felt AMAZING but he quickly stopped because of what he later confirmed as sexual feelings towards me. thats about when his feelings for me started. we kept them secret until it wasnt illegal. so back to when we were talking by the river. we talked about that event i just mentioned and he confirmed as i said that he stopped so suddenly because of his feelings towards me. i know i might seem a bit crazy because of how much older than me he is but just incase you didnt know, i am a very strange woman and i am absolutely FAR more attracted to men who are much older than me for whatever reason. i find boys my age to be just that, boys, and i cant respect them enough since they are usually too immature for my taste. i may be 19 but i feel more comfortable around older people than people my age. i have a best friend currently who is in his 70s and i get along with him better than i get along with 90% of the people my age. anyways, that would explain why i can love art so much. also, my first really heart pounding love besides art was a man named christopher who at the time was 35 but is now 39 and still has no idea that i loved him. in other words, age doesnt bother me.  so, as i was saying, we were talking by the river and i felt so strangely attached to him more and more every second. i love him so unimaginably much. i cant even begin to describe how much i love him. he and i discussed his plans to leave our city and sail the Caribbean in a little sail boat for many years. i asked him if he wanted company on that adventure and he said no. i asked him if he would like for me to come and he said yes. so thats always an option if i decide to be with him. i would just drop the last name that would give us away as cousins and forget about everyone here in this city we live in. when we were about to go back to my house, he wanted to know how much i love him so i told him. he kissed me and held me so close to him and rubbed my body all over. when he did that i melted. i melted and melted. it felt so wrong but yet so good. it felt meant to be. but alas, i have a boyfriend, who is an amazing guy. i feel so bad for the things i did with my cousin behind my boyfriends back. i dont want to lose my boyfriend but now i cant see art anymore because of what we did. i would break up with my boyfriend but im so attached to him that if i did that i would be so broken and lost that i would go running to art and i dont think thats healthy either. i dont know what to do anymore. i just cant get him out of my head. i love art so fudging much that its killing me. i wish i could be with him but then again i dont because he isnt nearly as great of a partner as my boyfriend is. my issue is that i want to be able to only love my boyfriend but my heart yearns sooooooo much for my cousin that my heart is almost tearing me apart. i wish i could clone myself and send my clone off with art so i can focus on my boyfriend. but i dont know. i dont know if art and i are meant to be together, if my boyfriend and i are meant to stay together or im meant to be with someone else that i cant comprehend at this current moment in time. i am asking for anyone's opinion on this dilemma that i am in. everyone's opinions will be considered and noted. please help me in any way you can. ask me anything about this and i will tell you. i am trying to figure this out on my own but its too hard. thank you for reading my huge wall of text.

the image i have attached is the picture we took in san diego where he grabbed me and wouldnt let go. we look so incredibly happy together even though we were wearing all black and there for a funeral.

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