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long distance relationship with my 2nd cousin

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hi all!

I'm in love with my second cousin and I know she loves me. we've been in a long distance relationship (LDR) for the past 9 months and 2 days ago she broke up with me, 4 weeks before I fly over.

this is how it goes in a summarisedish version:

I migrated from one part of the world to another in Jan this year. on the way I saw some family. I haven't seen this girl in over 15 years. she wasn't working at the time so she said I could stay with her and she'll take me round do some touristy stuff.

2 weeks before I arrived we were talking on whatsapp (WA) constantly like we were best friends, we talked about life alittle, relationships with our parents and siblings. for example her dads characteristics is similar to my mom. her brother is similar to my sister. and we both connected emotionally really well. it was like we were already a couple with nothing sexual going on.

when I arrived the first day we spoke even more deep about ourselves, she did most of the talking. we had breakfast and our teas were REALLY sweet. she said it was ok but I was like naw! I'll get us some water to dilute it. I couldn't get the attention of a waiter so I went to the open kitchen and got myself a glass of water so I could dilute her tea. at this point she was like wow who is this man?

the reason she was so surprised is because she had always known me to bee an a55hole since we were really young. infact before Jan this year 11 years ago I visited her mom by myself (flew over 12 hours to see all my family) and her moms my 1st cousin. this girl made an effort NOT to see me because I was so mean to her when we were in our younger days (we are both 27 now).

so when I diluted her tea she was amazed pretty much mesmerised but thats just me now. I'll go out of my way to make people happy and I just felt for this girl. coming from a western world where society is against this I didnt really act on my emotions. I blocked them out. she lives in Singapore. even though she lives in an Asian country she's pretty westernised, educated she's intelligent as hell and absolutely beautiful inside and out.

we had dinner with her mom dad and brother, at the table I was really polite and talkative, that's just me now. her dad said in Malay who is this boy? and everyone laughed because I was a complete different person to what I was the last time they saw me. my gf didn't tell me this at the time. not until after I had left the country lol...

this was the first day I had arrived, that night we got talking even deeper about her ex fiance, I consoled her. explained I can see its difficult but there is a reason it happened. we both believe in God. I said its a test, she'll grow from it, mentally, spiritually. I said I don't know the reason or the test only you'll be able to figure that out. but its just not meant to be, you're going to be alright.

they broke up 3 months before I arrived.

she poured her heart out and it was good. it was midnight on my first whole day with her. before we went to bed (our doors are opposite each other) I called her name, she turned around and I gave her a big warm hug. she smiled said thank you and we went to bed.

the 2nd day was a huge family celebration on her moms side. after that we went for a walk round town. we took heaps of selfies and pics had the biggest laughs of our lives lol it was non stop hilarious. our chemistry was like nothing else, its like she was the one but I didn't even know it yet. when we asked people to take photos they could see it, they would ask husband and wife or bf gf? we'd always laugh and say just cousins lol..

this night we talked about my dad and how he passed away when I was young. I teared up speaking to her. I've never teared up speaking to someone about it before but I did with her, I could be my complete self and she could too. that night she too called my name put her arms out I went awwww and I hugged her. it was so warm. I haven't seen her in 9 months I miss her so much this is really difficult to write.

on our 3rd day she fell in love with me. we were at the zoo. she was SO quiet. every couple of hours I would ask if she's ok and she kept saying yeah. infact she was so head over heels for me she ensured a couple of our other cousins came so it wouldn't be weird for her.

I'm going to skip a bit now, to where I asked her to marry me, the second to last day and last. we spent 11 days together and it was magical. I'd fallen in love with her the 2nd day but forced myself not to show it, not to pursue it because of society and how we are told its wrong. I kept telling myself no and I ignored it.

to sum up days I've missed we did so many things together from going to the aquarium to chilling and seeing all the family (we have a lot there). I had an amazing time. even her bff said we were like an old married couple.

on the 8th day we were walking back from dropping a cousin off to a taxi. I asked her to marry me. I didn't get on 1 knee or anything, I said it and then I explained I want to give you a fresh start. come with me to EU. have a brand new start. get out of Singapore. she laughed and then said, ok let's do it.

on our 2nd to last day we cuddled, I held her on her bed while she snuggled her head into my chest. she was cold and tired (we hardly slept because every night we'd talk to wee hours of the morning) so while we cuddled she then turned around and pushed her back right against me in the spooning position. I got excited but forced myself not to be because I didn't want her to feel it.

she asked me what if we stay married? and STILL I was like its only family love (it wasn't but as you are aware I kept saying no to how I really felt). she said ok.

we spooned for the night I didn't sleep at all I was enjoying being able to hold her, being with her, I didn't want to sleep.

we didn't kiss or anything.

on my last day we spooned again for awhile (her parents went overseas 5 days in while I was there) and then we headed to the airport. while she drove I put my hand on hers which was on her knee the whole way there. a bunch of our other family came too. we were having a bite when I had 20 mins before I had to go through the gates. I told my cousin let's take a walk.

we headed away from everyone and I said here is fine. she instantly hugged me and I said I'm going to miss you, she said I'm going to miss you too. at this point I STILL didn't kiss her. she was leaning her head on my chest while we stood in silence. for 15 mins then our cousins called her and they came found us.

it was heart breaking to leave her. I went past out of sight and I broke down. I couldnt stop my tears I didn't know why.

I was sitting at the gate when she txted me she was crying uncontrollably, that everyone was saying its ok she'll see me again soon.

she didn't tell me how she felt at all. I did know but didn't let it happen, I regret it now I wish I had kissed her early in my holiday.

a week went by after I had left and we were still txting like crazy. her bff said wait and see if it was just here. see if he keeps talking. a week went by and my cousin showed her bff the HUGE txts and conversations we were having. a 2nd week went by and a 3rd it wouldn't stop. we couldnt stop. we skyped every day. sometimes for 8 hours at a time. it was lovely.

one of her cousins on her dads side (not our side) is a child psychologist. my cousin talked to her and she said look, life's too short. DNA wise we'd be safe just as any 2 strangers would be because I'm on her moms side and its actually quite far down the chain in terms of DNA. so kids wouldn't be an issue. the only issue is family.

I actually got the ball rolling, I explained how I felt 2 weeks after I had left. I was so confused, I was asking is this family love or true love and my gf kept saying it's true love. I was like man I tried so hard to ignore because we are family. but I can't anymore. she told me she loves me. I skyped her and said I wanna be with you. I love you I don't want to share you I want us to be together. she was shocked but filled with joy at the same time this was happening.

then our LDR journey began. she also brought me over. she said give us a chance I know it sucks we're cousins but give us a chance.

our LDR had its ups and downs. I had a feeling she was going to break up with me because when we'd argue I'd always want to strengthen our relationship. I want to learn from our mistakes. she considered this over analyzing and said I did it a lot. she has her flaws too, but I look at her positive doings more than negative.

we talked about everything. future together, kids. everything....

so its weird because I felt she was going to end us 3 months ago because I felt she was so distant.

but she was having troubles at work and us being far away, she doesn't handle these things well. she goes into a shell, doesn't communicate.. her work was so bad just a week ago she got herself fired just to not to serve 2 months notice. I mean wow look at the timing? I'm coming soon and we'll be spending more time together because had she been working she had no leave as just started.

4 weeks ago her parents came to EU. they. stayed with me and my cousin who I live with. her parents adore me. they really do, they love me and there isn't 2 ways about it. I spent heaps of time with her dad and abit with her mom, but I know her mom loves me haha. I wasn't spending the time to get in good books. I got in good books in Jan when I didn't even want to be with their daughter lol.  anyway, my girl bought me a watch a day before they left to come here for a holiday. I know it was the day before they left because the warranty is stamped by the date. so 3 months ago I felt like she was distant. 4 weeks ago she buys me a watch, 2 days ago she breaks up with me. why buy me a watch for my birthday if you didn't love me 3 months ago? she says she doesn't feel the same about me me now. I don't believe it.

her relationship with her dad has improved heaps since she was at her last job in hell. he was more supportive than he ever has been.

so when she broke up with me 2 days ago she said she loves her parents too much which means she doesn't want to upset them with being with me.

she wants us to go back to being best friends. so she doesn't want to lose me.

when she told me this I said do me a favor, still pick me up from the airport and take me home, I'll pay my respects to your parents I wont unpack my bags and I'll move on.

she said no I can stay as long as it goes back to normal.

so I said ok, and ok I respect your decision because I respect you.

so we haven't been intimate yet.

so a day later she txts me about a TV show she is watching that I uploaded for her. I didn't divulge in it. I'm finding it really difficult and the next 4 weeks is going to be hell for me.

I think reality has hit her. what we are doing may be considered extreme and she's scared. I know she loves me. she's just afraid. that we are finally going to be intimate, its really happening.

so my question is what do I do? she's txting me like we're best friends again I don't know what to do. I'm completely mad about her. and SHES the one that made me follow my heart. then does this to me...

what do I do guys? what do I do.

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For starters~~ I don't read loooonnnngggg posts. Just don't have time or patients to get through themmmmmm.

However I did get to the part that you said "her moms my first cousin". If her mom is your first cousin then you and her are

first cousins once removed not second.

I will leave the advice up to those who do get through the long reads.

Best wishes on your jouney.

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ok let me 1 paragraph it.

we are long distance. we havent been intimate. its about to get real I'm there in 4 weeks. she ended it 2 days ago. scared doesn't wanna commit anymore. doesn't wanna upset her parents. she was the one that convinced me they'll want her to be happy so I should give us a go. she's happy for me to stay at hers and be best friends again

what is your thoughts? I know she wants it but she's afraid. she admitted it, but more along lines of don't want to upset parents.

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well there isn't much you can do other than play it by ear and see what happens when you stay at her house. she needs to stop worrying so much about what others think... but you know that. and she probably knows it too. it's scary, imagining what will happen when the family finds out. been there, done that.

mark and i are first cousins once removed also. (his dad and i are first cousins). telling is the hardest part... but we've been married nearly 16 years now, and he's the most wonderful husband i could imagine. as scared as we were to tell, we had no reason to be, because both sides of the family were supportive. maybe you need to convince her to come here to this site and hear from some of us who have been through it.

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well there isn't much you can do other than play it by ear and see what happens when you stay at her house. she needs to stop worrying so much about what others think... but you know that. and she probably knows it too. it's scary, imagining what will happen when the family finds out. been there, done that.

mark and i are first cousins once removed also. (his dad and i are first cousins). telling is the hardest part... but we've been married nearly 16 years now, and he's the most wonderful husband i could imagine. as scared as we were to tell, we had no reason to be, because both sides of the family were supportive. maybe you need to convince her to come here to this site and hear from some of us who have been through it.

thanks ladyc. yeah you're right I am just going to have to wait. its just the now until I get there part is REALLY hard. 4 weeks of misery if long distance wasn't already enough..

I'm trying to keep busy in the meantime. work more, gym, hanging with friends and watching TV etc. but I keep finding myself replaying in my head what I want to do when I see her first thing through the arrival gate. she could totally push me away, I'll just have to walk out the airport saying ok, forget everything that just happened. if she doesn't push me away then I won't be leaving on my flight home without her atleast mom knowing. I won't want this to repeat itself. if I have to PR and live there, eventually I will.

its a thought to bring her here. I'm not really talking to her at the moment. well, it has only been a day or so since we've spoken about something general....

and congrats on you and mark. success stories is really nice to hear. its just harder being long distance.

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I have to agree with LadyC. There isn't much you can do.

I wouldn't think planning what you will do at the airport when you see her is a good idea.

If she acts like she might want to hug you then give her a hug. Let her make the first move.

You will be able to tell more than if you are trying to choreograph the scene and then have to

apologize later for something and make things more awkward.

I am married to my second cousin for 10 years now. More of my story is posted on the site somewhere.

Just click on my name and then search for my posts.  We didn't have any problems from family. Of course we had both

been married before and were older and no plans for children. Don't know if that made any difference with family or not.

We didn't care either way, if we had been younger, children would have definately been in the plans.

Best wishes on your journey.

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I have to agree with LadyC. There isn't much you can do.

I wouldn't think planning what you will do at the airport when you see her is a good idea.

If she acts like she might want to hug you then give her a hug. Let her make the first move.

You will be able to tell more than if you are trying to choreograph the scene and then have to

apologize later for something and make things more awkward.

I am married to my second cousin for 10 years now. More of my story is posted on the site somewhere.

Just click on my name and then search for my posts.  We didn't have any problems from family. Of course we had both

been married before and were older and no plans for children. Don't know if that made any difference with family or not.

We didn't care either way, if we had been younger, children would have definately been in the plans.

Best wishes on your journey.

I appreciate the help romalee.

she will hug me at the airport, I won't even need to open my arms. she won't initiate a kiss though, we've spoken about it before. she would never initiate a first kiss. but maybe that'll change when she sees me. I mean, LDR we shared what we couldn't physically via Skype, WA. so she could potentially see me and follow her heart.

I would rather apologise move on atleast knowing I tried. reading the stickies too has really got me thinking on how to approach the family issue because she has doubts. stuff here is good. especially editing ladycs letter to suit us.

I will check your story most definitely, I'm sure I'll find some useful things as I read.

I just don't know how to deal with the now exactly. she wants to go back to being best friends before we were a couple. she wants to talk and keep in contact like that on WA.

I'm being civilized and taken some advice from mates. be distant. she'll miss me. so its only been. day or so we haven't been in contact and I'm not going to start any conversations.

how do you think I should approach the now on WA and general conversations?

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