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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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kc1234

in love with 2nd cousin need advice please

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I think im in love with my 2nd cousin her and I are best friends and we do everything together. She is beautiful, smart, funny and above all she puts up with me. im currently deployed and all I think about is her I don't know what to do about it and we are suppose to move in with one another when I return. ive dropped hints before and she says it gross is there anyone out there that has been through this successfully and can give me some advice.

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kc1234,

The only reason she thinks it's gross is because she's been told it is. It isn't prohibited in the Bible, or in nearly half the States for FIRST cousins to marry, and second cousins are legal everywhere we know of.

I didn't go through this "successfully", in the way you are speaking of it, but, back in the Stoned Age (~1982ish) me and my second cousin had what we call our "moment." She was scared of what people would say. She also had a healthy dose of the "ick" factor I guess you could say. That part of it I didn't know until about three years ago or so. I don't think it was really the "ick" factor or "that's gross" so much as it was in her words "We're Family." At any rate, at the time, we walked away from it, and let the whole affair be quite awkward for the better part of 30 years. The night I mention where she told me that, plus another night some two years ago when we finally had a nice long heart to heart, and aired it all out, dispelled quite a few of the common "myths" surrounding the subject. I brought her here to the site, twice that night, and showed her the facts. She has a long term BF, at the time I was married, and now I have a wonderful GF, and neither of us has any desire to, or stomach for, a repeat of the past, and unfaithfulness to our respective partners with each other. The past will stay tucked in snugly.

We are a week apart in age and favorite cousins, always have been, always will be. Even in the decades we were estranged, that never changed. Our Mom's are first cousins, my Mom is an only child, and her Mom may as well have been. (She had a much older half-brother) They were almost like sisters growing up, and, like sisters, STILL drive each other crazy(er). LOL. Once they moved right across the street from us, WE were virtually like siblings. We'd met. I suppose that's why it was so hard for her to wrap her head around the whole thing when we were older, and had an intimate couple weeks or so. It got very intense, very quickly. Looking back, too intense, too quickly.

Plus, there were several things not exactly in our favor. First, we were partying like rock stars. One thing led to another, and before we knew it,,,,,you get the picture. A little more sober reflection on the situation, and asking around about it, especially of our mothers, could have led to us giving it a go. (Our Moms would have been fine with it, tickled actually, we came to learn later.) Secondly, there was no internet as such, more less a site like this. Information on the situation was limited to "That's gross. You'll have kids with two heads/ 12 fingers & toes/ cross-eyed", you name it. All the "Old Wives' Tales".  Thirdly, our crowds overlapped somewhat, but not much, but, we ran with a fairly rough and rowdy bunch. While Cuz is very mild mannered, and to a point I am too, there would have been some drama out of friends. Most of her circle were older, about half of mine were. (Therein the overlap) The rest of my friends were mostly younger. They wouldn't have had much to say other than b*tching about her taking my time away from them. But, they would have, (and did) no matter who I was seeing. I can see where some of her girlfriends might have made an issue of it though. Of course, I would have told them in not exactly these words to "mind their own beeswax". That's when it would have got interesting. She probably had a feeling I wouldn't put up with it, and would escalate the situation until I won. In doing so, there would probably have been hurt feelings and broken friendships. Oh well. But, we didn't go there, so all of that was mute anyhow.

But, enough about us and how we DIDN'T go for it. On to you.

If you think you're in love with her, you probably are. First on your plate is having a safe deployment, and returning safely. DON'T LET ALL OF THIS DISTRACT YOU FROM THAT. PLEASE???? OK???? OK. Then, when you return, you see about these living arrangements. I recommend a two bedroom place, and where you two are in your "relationship", I'm sure that's the plan anyhow. I recommend it even for couples who are in a relationship, for two reasons. It keeps up appearances for those who are not ready to be so open about it, and, it gives both parties their own space. The actual sleeping arrangements are subject to change, and NOT for public, or family, consumption.

Which of course, brings us to your dilemma. You've hinted. She says it's gross. How exactly did you hint? Did you use the old tried and true "If you weren't my cousin...." line? If not, maybe you should. If she says "It's gross" again, say "Yeah, when you said that before, I got thinking about it, checked it out, and I don't think it's near as far fetched or gross as we've been led to believe. Come here, I want you to keep an open mind for a few minutes, and I want to show you something." Then bring her to the main page, and show her the FIRST cousin facts. In there, there are also SECOND cousin facts, mostly relating to the genetics, since second cousins are legal in all of the U.S., and, like I said, everywhere, so far as we know. You will find that second cousins have no increased risk of genetic issues with their offspring than any other randomly paired couple. So, how so, other than a cultural bias based on faulty science in the mid to late 1800's, is it gross? It's gross because we've been told by people who were told by people, who were told by people, who were told by the half-cocked "scientists" of the day. Balderdash. If the genetics are the same as random strangers, it's no more gross than that. (The act itself IS kinda gross when you think about it, but, we all seem to enjoy it, so, meh, and I digress, LMAO) Even for first cousins, with a 1-3% increased risk, I call that over-blown "gross-factor." You don't (and certainly WON'T) see laws prohibiting women over 35-40 years old from marrying for the purpose of procreating. Can you imagine the poostorm it would be for a politician to propose such a law? Same risk though.

I know this is quite the windy response to such a pithy post, but, if you two are best friends and do everything together, there really should be no reason to not do EVERYTHING together. Knowwaddamean? You're probably going to have to be rather gentle about all of this, and not push her. But, you have to at least try to educate her. I have a feeling, if you two domicile, and still do everything together, sooner or later, one thing will lead to another. Don't push it, and be prepared with facts. You've given no real specifics for her to get upset about, so, once you two are looking around here, show her your post, and my reply. Maybe by then she will have had time to at least consider the "if we weren't cousins" part, and have an open enough mind to consider the facts.....

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kc1234,

Hawk has, as usual, put it out very clearly for you. 

I want to add one other thing that is very, very important to me.  Thank you for your service! 

We have other members who are in the military and I respect and honor all of you!

I belong to the Patriot Guard Riders and I thank you again for your service to all of us.

HUGS

Nat

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I can exactly remember how I hinted at it and I have thrown out some facts that I learned in one of my classes. im 20 and she is 18 so we are pretty young and when I return ill be starting my junior year in college and she will be starting her sophomore year. im just hoping there is some way I can change her mind without throwing a bunch of facts at her. I haven't really tired the if we weren't cousins part but im sure its worth a shot. and thank you for your guys support

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I'm not about to compete with Hawk's wisdom. I agree with what he's said. But I've got a bit different of a perspective. I just recently started a relationship with my Second Cousin, and in the time we were getting to that point, she never once said cousin couples were "gross". In fact, on one occasion she actually defended a cousin couple, saying " It's not close, so it's no big deal."

Gross is a strong word. If she's genuinely repulsed by the idea, you can bet she's not romantically interested in you. If I was in your shoes, I'd drop some solid hints and if she says it again, say "Really? I don't think so." Gauge her reaction. Don't back down or agree just to save face. Just my two cents.

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DazednConfused said, "Don't back down or agree just to save face."  I wanna underline that, CAPITALIZE IT, itlicize it, shout it from the rooftops.  Through the years, I've never had the cajones to disagree with her when we talked about us.  Bad mistake!  :cry:  I guess I've felt that my point was obviously clear and correct, and so was unwilling to defend it in an argument with her--I was afraid of being a bully.  Argued just once--but that was too late; we were already married to other people & had kids.  If you love her, DON'T GIVE UP!

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kc1234,

Now, knowing your ages, I'll add a little more.

The plan is to live together and go to school together, if I'm reading into this correctly. Nice. You probably couldn't ask for a better scenario as to how this could progress. You're a little older than usually gets the "broken record speech" out of me, but she isn't, and the both of you will be in the situation it fits, so, you're getting it. At least a slightly modified version, as you two are adults. The general idea is: 1) Put it on the back burner, 2) Keep your noses in the books, 3) Get the schooling out of the way, 4) Get independent, 5) THEN go for it, and don't let anyone stop you.

In your case, we're going to modify it a little. There is no real need to put it on the back burner, since it's only stewing under the surface at this point. Part of the back burner part is always "keep close, but put it on the back burner". In your case, the keep close part is part one. As for part two, when you both do get in school, THAT STILL STANDS. Keep your noses in the books. Wherever this may go, DO NOT let it interfere with your studies. Period. I realize if things heat up, OR go south, that is going to be an issue. First things first. Get your schooling. (i.e. part 3) Part 4, get independent, you may not be fully independent from your parents, but, the effect is going to be the same. You'll be living together, out from under either parents' roof, and on your own. This is where the tedium comes in. You're really fond of her, and, I'll assume, she is of you too, even if not romantically, or, if, and she just doesn't want to admit it. I'll agree with the others here in that you don't want to back down, but don't be a bully, or pushy. You get pushy, before she's on the fence, or in the process of getting on the fence, and you'll push her away. You have to hint, but, you have to be totally prepared for the opportunities that will inevitably come if you live together, to do the hinting. If it were me, I would only hint if I had to. I would use opportunities as they arise to show my feelings, and subtly draw her to the same feelings. You can over-think a scenario, AND you can certainly over-talk one. Actions speak louder than words.

I'll give you an example I see possibly happening. I'm willing to bet, you'll have at least slightly better electronic gear than she will. At some point, she'll probably be in your room, enjoying your gear, watching a movie, surfing the net, watching you/joining you gaming, if that's your thing, whatever. If that becomes a habit, I'll also assume, she'll probably crash in there at some point. So, let her. Don't go getting all handsy, just snuggle up, and crash with her. She'll enjoy it, trust me. If she doesn't wake up, and go to her own room at some point, and wakes up in your bed, she'll enjoy that too. Even if she IS a little "weirded out" about it, if it's all been quite innocent, she will feel safe, and she WILL want to do it again. If she feels safe making a habit out of it, sooner or later, she may feel safe enough to "up the odds" a little, even if she is still a little nervous. You will be looking for such subtle hints from her, and just follow her lead. If at some point she gets scared, then you do the "cousin" line, and go into the facts. I agree with the others, that you have to be resolved, but you have to pull her in, as opposed to pushing her in. I certainly don't think that's what they are suggesting, but it is ever so easy to be that way, especially when your feelings may be stronger than hers, at least initially.

  luvher4ever's story and mine are eerily similar in several ways. IIRC, he's a few years older than I am, but we're closer in age than you and I. Him and his had a "moment" in time, although I don't recall to what extent or duration. Like us, they walked away, because neither he nor I wanted to be pushy. He's regretted it more than I perhaps, but, I DO regret not having talked it out 30 years ago, and at least trying to talk her into taking a chance. I wanted us to move away, to where her Dad lives. She says she never knew I wanted to do that, (not saying, but implying that) if I had told her that, (which I'm relatively sure I did mention it) she would have seriously considered it. Again, some sober adult conversation at the time could have made quite the difference.

  DazednConfused may be correct in that she may not be romantically interested in you. However, just as likely is that she's repulsed by the stigma, and not you. You will most likely find out soon enough, once the two of you are under one roof. I recommend not getting any more emotionally involved until that happens, and you can determine which it is. Worry about your situation at hand for the moment, and "back burner" the rest.

Get a safe deployment and return out of the way, then play this by ear, and see where it goes. Get in here for advice if you need it as it pans out. That's why this site is here....

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so thank you guys for the advice HAWK some more background on the relationship is we are both studying business and we are very strong when it comes to academics I don't know how many time her and I have pulled all nighters when im running to the store ever 2 hours to pick up redbulls. it kinda a thing with us. so I imagine we will be helping on another out a lot and on multiple occasions we have slept in the same bed with one another. My biggest problem im thinking with her is since we are so close she knows all of my dirt and some of the women ive been with she views me as a little bit of player I cant really hold a relationship very long because I feel like the girls I end up dating are to immature and there are too many differences. ive told her on multiple occasions I want to change that part of my lifestyle and just find someone nice that I can get along with. but I don't think she believes me ive toned it down a lot since I started having feelings for her but she still views me as some sort of man whore how do I get her to think different?  she doesn't really date and the guys she has, have been disasters that I end up picking up the pieces and doing my best to cheer her up and get over it. im just trying to figure out timing on when I should start pursing her more and start dropping more hints and see. like ive said ive sorta dropped hints but her reactions seem negative or neutral at best. most of the time she thinks im kidding and that's how I play it off.

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