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oldnorse

When it has been going on for 10+ years

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Hi All,

I'm here posting because I am wanting to get advice for people who have been dealing with having had a relationship with their cousin for years (on and off - years of nothingness - back in contact - new relationships etc). Basically I met my first cousin in 2003, we fell madly in love, I moved over from Australia to Germany with his family..well, our family (without them realising the reason I was there - they thought I was wanting to get to know my mother country as I was born in Germany) After 6 months living with them I felt it was time to come clean - this happened and I was kicked out (rightly so really in hindsight!) I worked a crappy part time job for a few months trying to make things work but things had fallen apart with my cousin's mother (my aunt) and then my cousin met someone else (he was only 19 at the time). I was stuck in a foreign country, heartbroken and got back home on a plane in a rush and had to start again. This is all the very short version! In the years that followed we were back on the phone every day and night, then we both met people and started other relationships, all the while Skyping and essentially still in love but trying to move on (but not doing so very well!) I eventually decided I needed to try and move on properly, as did he. We both met our partners in the last three years and have not been in touch. I have a child with my partner who I love dearly, but I am struggling with new feelings resurfacing again after I was sent pictures of my cousin by my aunt just on regular snaps of the family. She clearly thinks all is well now but the pictures have put me in a spin. My partner and I both had difficult childhoods and we are at uni trying to get through our degrees in order to support our son at ages 30 and 26. Our degrees will be complete at the end of the year but it has been a hard road with very little money. I know that the right thing to do is to leave this alone, but I want to find ways of coping with this frustrating situation and the guilty feelings . My partner and I are in love, but I don't feel that he is my soulmate. That feeling was always reserved for my cousin. I love my child and I want to keep our family together, and I want to rid myself of these feelings. How do all of you out there cope who have partners who are not your cousin?

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It's hard especially when both are married and still love each other. It's been 36 years now for me the first time I met my cousin. I wish I stayed single and waited. You can read my story. Hope you can work it out with your cousin.

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Hi, I wanted to answer you cause your story sounded a bit like mine, read it through in my previous posts if you want.

I never had a actual relationship with my cousin, but fell in love with him 10 years ago (we had a "fling"). Since then we both have tried to put those feelings aside, and ignore them or at very best (at the moment) just try to live with them. My cousin is married and has kids, and just only a year ago I was engaged with my daughter's dad. But like you, I found myself in situation that I still felt very strong about my cousin and my relationship with my fiance wasn't working so well. We tried to work things out, but ended up breaking up in the end. It was a very hard decision, but it was the only right decision for us.

Since then we've been in good terms with my ex, in really good terms, we see each other quite often and spoke on the phone a lot too, but it works only because we were both really sure that breaking up is the only thing to do. So, taking care of our lovely daughter has been easier since the breakup, but of course we have grieved that we can never be the family that we wanted to be. So it has been heart breaking and I still love him as my family member that he'll always be, but we are better parents apart than we were together.

The thing between me and my cousin is changed a bit too, cause we had our adult conversation last autumn. Face to face, just a two of us. And I pretty much told him that I love him and that I now think that it was a shame that we never dared to take the chance. And I know that he likes me like that too. But he is and seems to be quite happy within his relationship, so there's no way we are getting together, most likely ever. But for me, I think, it's easier to be single and not feel guilty over my feelings for my cousin. Cause like you, his pictures puts me on a spin too. Everytime, still :)

So I didn't cope with my partner who wast my cousin. But I think there just might be someone else for me, not my ex or not my cousin. Maybe, maybe not...

My cousin said that he "can live with this thing". Maybe there's something to that, maybe he could give you a better answer than I :D

But if your spouse is a good guy with good heart? And if you two a have good relationship, even if not that passionate... he might be a keeper? What do you think?

Because even though this single mom thing works for me, I know it doesn't work for everyone. And I know that it's kinda rare this thing between me and my ex, that we get along so well. We have set our rules when we broke up and those rules come down to only in one thing: we don't want to hurt our daughter by our actions. This means that when we decided  to break up, we DID. We haven't fooled around since then and we won't. We don't talk about our love lives to each other. We respect an others limits and privacy, and mostly we talk about life in general and about our daughter. We want to raise her well, even though we aren't together, and this we are trying to do by keeping our relationship in good terms. But to keep it like that, one needs to really respect and be willing to understand the other parent.

My path is like this. I choose the risk of ending up alone, but like I said, it works for me, I'm happier now.

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July, I admire your strength to leave your spouse. I read your story and we're almost in the same boat. That was a hard decision to make for a woman. Like you, my cousin is a very smart woman. She's a medical doctor, 54 years old and still looks like 34 years old. She wants to separate but her husband won't allow it. She's lonely most of the time and missing me a lot. We miss each other so much. I think of her when I wake up and through out the day and dream of her. I want to retire in 6 years so I can be with her in Asia. It's really hard to, wait but time flies. I hope you'll get the chance to be with your cousin. Hang in there.

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Also, what you and your husband did is a good model for others to follow so that the kids don't have to suffer that much. Being able to accept the divorce without being vengeful. Take care.

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Hello oldnorse,

I know what it means to have a love for a cousin on and off for 10+ years. I have felt something special since I was 9 for my cousin and I'm 24 now! I know what you mean by seeing the pictures! You feel your heart race so much your chest almost hurts.

Although I don't know the solution, since I'm in your position minus a family, it helps to live day by day. If you can type stories or poems as form of outlet. Focus on your child and give your time through, prayer, meditation or a good conversation with a close friend to make a decision. Its good to see why you hold on to these feelings so strongly even after finding a man you love who you have a home with. If you decide its best to remain with your partner (you mention that you love him but he's not your soul mate, can you describe what is missing?) then consider going to couple's therapy. You might find things out that weren't obvious.

~E

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Thanks Pepe for you encouraging words. It hasn?t been a easy road..

When I met my ex, I felt it?s meant to be, and he felt the same.

And we still think so, that we were meant to meet and have a lovely daughter together and to be in each other lives, even though we weren?t meant to live under the same roof for a rest of our lives. Of course it has caused alot of grief and crying, and some arguments, but in the end, it helps one to heal to think it like that; the relationship wasn?t a mistake even though it had a different kind of result that we hoped for. But it?s a big and important part of our individual journeys.

I?m wondering now, how is Oldnorse doing, have to check if she has posted new mails.. :)

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