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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Need Advice Moving Forward

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Hi all,

I'm 22 years of age and my life has slowly begun turning into shambles. I want to know what your opinions are as to my next approach.

My (now-ex) boyfriend broke up with me after a 2.5 year intense relationship. We still talk on occasion because its hard for either of us to go cold-turkey. We broke up because of many differences, pertaining to lifestyles and how we could have potentially raised our kids. I brought these issues up to him, and he pulled the trigger on ending the relationship. It is still very difficult, despite the fact he used to constantly compare me to a "dirty wh***" and a slew of other terrible things. The relationship was dysfunctional but it began to straighten out once he realized how flawed he was.

I used to rely on him for support. My mother was diagnosed with cancer and he has been there for me throughout. Now that we are ending this relationship, he still wants to be here for me but I'm wondering if that's fair since I think about my cousin so much. Should I move onto greener pastures (my cousin) and lose more contact with him as quickly as possible, even though my ex will be there for me?

My cousin, whom I've previously been in a relationship with (but broken up because I was not mature enough to handle it), lives across the ocean and I  see him every 2 years. He may come live in the USA after he is done with schooling, but there are no guarantees. He's been on my mind ever since we broke off all contact (and vowed he would never speak to me again). I miss him dearly but I have so many worries.

Is it right, after all this time, to reach my cousin and talk to him? Or should I respect his firm decision to never speak to me again. He does talk to my brother via Facebook occasionally but I am never, ever brought up. (My brother does not know of anything).

In any of your experiences, is a long-distance relationship emotionally fulfilling? I have many difficult situations in my life, and I find coping is the best with a significant other being physically there to hug me. Is this comfort still possible if they are so far away? Is it right that I express all of my  emotions to him regarding my mother? Is that fair to him?

Should I even bother trying to reach out to my cousin and bring back a flame? We have only been in an "official" relationship with each other for a few months (despite years of care and affection) and did not have ANY real-life problems since all of our correspondences were through the computer. Is a leap of faith best? Or is it just not worth it?

I know he used to love me dearly, and us breaking up was devastating. He is the most amazing man I've ever met, and I believe he knows I feel that. From what I understand, since 2 years ago, he has not dated anyone else. I'm honestly suffering without talking to him, even as a cousin. I just don't want to be selfish.

What should I do? I really am very lost.

Thank you so, so much for listening.

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whether or not you reach out to your cousin (and i would, by the way, just to put the 'what if' question to rest if nothing else), you definitely need to move on from the emotionally abusive ex boyfriend. seriously, move ON. don't keep someone in your life who has a history of verbal abuse, i don't care how much he's recognized his shortcomings. you said yourself that you two have very different outlooks on lifestyles and child rearing, so there's really nothing worth hanging on to. find a new support person. find a support group if you have to. but don't rely on the ex to 'be there' for you.

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Don't seek a new romance when you are reeling from a current one.  I can imagine the pain you are feeling right now, but reaching out to your cousin in the hopes of rekindling your relationship with him is a bad idea right now.

Should I even bother trying to reach out to my cousin and bring back a flame?

The issue isn't whether you should try and reconnect with your cousin.  The issue is whether you should try and reconnect with him in the hopes of rekindling your romance.  And until you've had some time to process your recent break-up, you do not need to get romantically involved with anyone else. 

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