Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
pokebass1

My Third Cousin and I Were Found Out About

This topic has had no activity within the past six months. It is recommended that you start a new topic instead of replying to old topics.

29 posts in this topic

So,my third cousin and I fell in love recently.  We started off fairly quickly, but not too quickly.  After almost two weeks, we had our first kiss. The thing is, we are 14, live 80 miles apart, and got found out about.  Her stepmom checked her phone because I sent her a message on Google Hangout, and she freaked out.  She told my cousin's mom, who would be my second cousin, and she read all of our messages from the last week.  My cousin and I couldn't talk for a while.  Over this time, I fell more into love with her.  I thought about her every day, and I realized just how perfect she is.  I finally got to talk to her, after over two weeks, on Monday.  We started talking, and decided to stay together.  This didn't last long.  We were told two days later that we cannot be together because we are family, and if when we get older, if we still love each other, we can be together.  I talked to her mom, and she said that we may love each other now, but the chances of it being "the big love of our lives" are very unlikely.  She is convinced that we are just a couple of teenagers with raging hormones, and in 10 years, we will look back at this and be embarresed.  She said she did research on the whole "cousin love" thing, and said that she found that, while it is legal and everything, it is not preferred in the United States.  Due to some clues, I think she did the research on first cousins, but, I may very we'll be wrong.  The thing is, while the hormones thing is true, I've dealt with mine.  My hormones peaked while I was 13, and have seriously calmed downs since then.  I told her that I seriously doubt that this is "the big love of my life", but I think we deserve to find out for ourselves.  I tried to tell her that while it isn't preferred, it is fairly accepted.  I finally decided to just stop, before I made things worse.  I need advice on my situation. All I can think about is her. This is really messing me up.       

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

as much as you want something to counter this "wrongful" act on the part of your parents, we can't give you that here. not at this time, anyway. you're both 14. i know that the intensity of your feelings is very real, but her mom is right... in ten years, you're going to feel very differently. maybe you and your cousin will still be in love, but between now and ten years from now, you'll both be going through so much emotional growth that you'll hardly recognize yourselves or each other.

that's not a bad thing, either! if the two of you put your love on hold now, and then come back together in ten years (or even five), you'll both be much more able to handle the roller coaster that all romantic relationships are. if you try right now to make this work, i can guarantee one thing... it won't. if you want to grow old together, then you need to put some emotional distance between the two of you for now.

true love waits. that's not just a line in a song, either.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, thanks for the effort, but I know everything you told me.  I put that into mind when we got together.  I want to go along with the relationship, and if, notice I said if, it does work, good.  I doubted from the beginning that it would go very far.  I've been in love before, so I know how emotions can change.

I just want to let this be an actual relationship, and let if run it's course.  I may fall out of love with her, and I may not.  The only thing I know for now is that I love her, and want to be with her.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

if you wait, it COULD be an "actual" relationship. there's nothing wrong with waiting for the best, ya know?

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi. I think if you are seriously doubting this relationship could actually go anywhere and be real before you ever

get started then you are already putting a negative vibe on the chances it could be a great thing. When you get older if you two really love one another then your families should not have a roadblock up for your love.

If they do then it is selfish of them and why would you throw away a chance to be happy because someone told you their opinion of what is right or wrong? If you both really love each other nothing else should matter. I know what you are going through though, as my cousin was so concerned about his families reaction that is one reason

he let us go. I wish you the best and hope you won't doubt yourself and let a golden opportunity slip away oneday

if you two really have such a strong bond.It is so sad that our society as a whole is so misinformed on the reality there is nothing morally or genetically wrong with two cousins to be together. 😔

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

LadyC, i know it vould, and I hope for the besdr for our relationship.  We're not together for now, but that's because her parents are constantly on us about it.  I want to be with her, and not being able to tell her "I love you" is killing me.  I guess if we can't be together right bow, then I will just be positive about everything, and hope that when that one DAT in the future comes, we both still love each other and want to be together.

Thanks Sugarpuppy, that actually helped.  I won't let this go, and I will make sure that all the feelings stay, and plans ive made are carried through to the end.  I don't want this love to slip away, because its my first real love.  My first wasn't exactly real, I didn't feel as strongly with her as I do with my cousin.  As for the society part, I completely agree with you, our society is filled with a bunch of ignorant people who think relation to some makes them off limits.  Being a musician, I have decided to try and convince the world that cousin love isn t bad through song.  Also, I am sorry about your relationship not working out, but I hope for the best for you and whoever you may love in the end. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

pokebass1,

Boss (KC) did some housekeeping, and cleaned out many of the old posts. Had you read many of them from me to other members your age and up to a few years older, you would know what we all call around here "Hawk's Broken Record Speech" to young members. LadyC has hit upon one part of it. Put all of this on the back burner. Stay close. In the mean time, BOTH of you keep your noses in the books. Get your education out of the way. I would like to see you wait that 10 years her mother suggests. At least 8 of them, until you are both at least 22 or so. Get out of HS, and get a degree or certs from college/uni under your belts. Once you have the skills to provide for yourselves, it is your roof/your rules. As the cat is out of the bag, you two are going to be watched very closely anyhow. Probably not a bad idea. You only think your hormones have peaked. As far as puberty, they may have, but trust me son, your a LONG way out from your hormones calming down. About 6 or 8 years actually. If you two think you have the hots for each other now, wait until you're 17, looking at 18, and technically legal to act upon it within months, and see each other at some family function. Come back and tell me about hormones THEN. It will be a good thing you two will be watched closely, because you certainly don't want to be fooling around, and have her turn up in a "motherly way", if you get my drift.

Cousin relationships are not for the meek. You say you want it to be an actual relationship, and let it run it's course. Well, unlike other relationships, you don't just "break up" with family. Walking away on good terms has a tendency to get damned awkward. TRUST ME. If it ends badly, family functions will be nearly unbearable. If you are going to do this, you had best wait until you both get your ya-yahs out, and are ready to settle down for good. Stay close, but date other people too. In the process, you may find that her mother is right, and you two are not quite so compatible as you think.

However, I would like for the two of you to prove her mother wrong on the "being embarrassed about it" part in ten years. As you have found your way here, and see all the members, and guests here all the time, it is NOT so uncommon as the general consensus of society would have us believe. You have nothing to be ashamed of by having these feelings.

It is very unusual, but not totally unheard of for folks as young as you to be right, and actually be "the one" for each other. I know a couple, who, although not cousins, have been an item since they were in the 3rd grade. I'm 52, they're ~ 4 yrs older than me, so, 56 or so. That means within a couple years, they will have 50 years together, and only 58 years old. But believe me, it hasn't been easy, and they have some VERY rocky roads they've traveled. But now, (since HE'S finally grown up, LOL) they are as in love as they have ever been, and very much more so. They have what appears to be many more wonderful years ahead of them. There is no reason the two of you cannot have the same thing, but, you have to be prepared to make that commitment. They did when they were in third grade, and stuck to it, through thick and thin. And there was a LOT of thick and thin. When you two get to a point you can commit like that, and not stray from it, then you have that potential. You will have bumps in the road. Most all relationships do. But, if the timing is right, you both are of age, in the position, available, and on the same page, I say go for it, and have a happy life. Start laying the groundwork now. Even if you find it isn't going to be, you will still have placed yourselves in the best possible position for whatever relationships do come.

I also have a feeling you may actually be second cousins as opposed to first cousins. Is one each of your parents first cousins? Is this how you think her mother is your second cousin? Or, do you actually know how the "once removed" thing works? Up until my cousin was 50, she thought we were actually third cousins, when we are second cousins. She thought our mothers were second cousins to us, and we were third cousins. Actually, they are first cousins, we are second cousins, and our Moms are our respective 'first cousins, once removed'. Do tell us a little more about the actual relation of the couple generations older than you. But, tell us. If they also think third cousins, go with it, and keep it to yourselves until someone figures it out. Second cousins are legal everywhere anyhow, so, on that, her mother is correct, even if she does think you are third cousins.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hawk:

Well, I have to say thanks for the support.  I need things like that.  Any first, I was mad, but as it went on, I felt you were completely right.  The thing that made me mad mostly was the education thing, since I'm a musician, and college has know real purpose to me.  I doubt I will go.  I may, but I have know desire for anything a college can give me.  As for our relation, our closest common ancestor is our great grandma.  My grandma from that side, who has been deseased for 28 years now, her maiden name as Washburn, and her grandpa from that side's last name is McCallie.  They are half siblings, so we are actually half-second cousins.  We've decided to wait things out, and maybe get back together when we are 18 or so.  I don't know if we will still love each other by then, but I hope we do.  As for dating other people, I doubt that will happen, at least on my part.  I don't like any body I know, and, at least for right now, I don't think it would feel right in any way. 

In all, thanks for supporting me, and giving me your wisdom

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

pokebass1,

Then you'd better learn to poke that bass like Geddy Lee or Les Claypool. I poke around on the bass too, but, I'm not about to quit my day job. You need a fall back. You don't have to be a doctor or rocket scientist. Get a cert in some sort of medical field, say lab tech or something. I'm not going to be specific about what Cuz does, but she has her certs, and she travels, like a traveling nurse, although she's not a nurse. She makes VERY good $$$ doing it, and has had some pretty sweet gigs. Get into something like that maybe, take the bass with you, and find people to set in with and make a little walkin' around money. You can learn different styles and sounds that way. Like, she did 6 months in D.C., then almost a year in St. Thomas, and just got back from Napa Valley Cali. Imagine the different music she heard in those places, most of it played by guys like you. You can have your cake and eat it too, so long as you got the jack to pay for it. If I had to make a living playing, I'd get pretty hungry. I know only a couple guys who make a living off their music, and they aren't exactly rolling in it. One of them is fixing to be homeless because his GF is tired of feeding him, and paying all the bills. And he's good. Everyone else I know who does it, does it for beer money and/or girls. When any swingin schmoe on the web can steal your music as soon as it hits, you can forget making $$$ that way. You have to play out, and be big, and touring to make $$$. Did you know, this is the first year since they started the "platinum" ranking that NO musician, ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, has went platinum? Everyone is like, "Why buy it, when you can just download (read STEAL) it. Better eat your Wheaties, and start practicing like you would do schoolwork, then find the guys like you. I don't want to sound mean, or bust your chops, but I'd be remiss if I didn't point out the reality of it to you....

Oh, with the closest common relative being the great-grandma, the half siblings thing does come in and make it half seconds. You could actually be further genetically than third cousins. LadyC or someone better versed in the genetics that far out would have a better idea about that then me. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hawk,

I love that you said Led Claypool, I love Primus.  As for the whole speech, I have a back up plan, a few equally, but my favorite is to be a music store owned.  There's this Music Store about 25 miles away that I'm planning on working at when I turn 16, just to get me started and familiar with the whole thing.  I know it's a rough road, but I'm a musician, so how can I refuse.  I am pretty good as well, I've had many people tell me that I'm one of the best people they've heard, and that I was so much better than them.  It makes me feel glad I started at 11. 

As for the genetics, I'm not real familiar with genetics, but i believe half-second cousind and third cousins would be about the same genetic wise.  It goes in halves.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

half second cousins sounds right, actually.

the ggp is the common ancestor. the respective grandparents were half siblings. so the parents of pokebass and his cousin are first cousins, making them second cousins (half).

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

oh and about the college thing. it's just a cesspool for liberal propaganda anyway.

sorry, i'm not a fan of higher education these days. yeah, it's a good idea, from a potential income standpoint. but i dang sure don't judge anyone who chooses not to go. (not saying that hawk does, just stating that to me, it doesn't much matter!) of course, i am also not a fan of public school education either. if it were up to me, all kids these days would be home schooled.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Man, thanks to everyone who has commented on my post.  It's really helping me deal with this whole thing,  I feel open to telling everyone she's my cousin.  I'm not afraid of what people will think, because it's just America's misguided view that makes them think that way.  I've been feeling like I don'tlove her anymore, but I get on here, my mind gets cleared, and I realize that our relationship is far from over.         

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

oh and about the college thing. it's just a cesspool for liberal propaganda anyway.

sorry, i'm not a fan of higher education these days. yeah, it's a good idea, from a potential income standpoint. but i dang sure don't judge anyone who chooses not to go. (not saying that hawk does, just stating that to me, it doesn't much matter!) of course, i am also not a fan of public school education either. if it were up to me, all kids these days would be home schooled.

LadyC,

I tend more and more to agree with you. Since I first came here and posted that advice to Scrubanizer, I've modified it to include the certifications along with the degrees. I'm currently working at a local uni, and every day I see kids there, and think (sometimes out loud, to the chuckles of co-workers) "Man, we're screwed when they get in charge...." The Good Widow is a school teacher in the local school system. She is so long into it now, that she really can't afford to get out, but, the State has so underfunded the teacher pension system, she probably won't get what she's holding on for anyhow. She was 82nd Airborne, and she would have to bone up a little, but she would be qualified to be an air traffic controller. But, there aren't many of those jobs out here in the sticks, and she would have to move. So, she's staying and toughing it out.

I got in as an old fart apprentice with the local Laborers Hall a few years back. That is a lot of why I lean more toward the certs now. I have a broad range of skills, and was highly skilled when I got in. With the additional training, I have for example, the State Asbestos Abatement license. It sounds dangerous, but, if you follow the rules, it's actually pretty safe. And, it's extra $$$ per hour. I have what are known as Pipeline OQs. If, (well, WHEN) the Keystone Pipeline goes in, I'm planning on going out there and making the REAL big $$$. I've had a really good year this year, and will make close to as much money as I've ever made, without working 1/3s as many hours of overtime as I did straight time. I AM an old fart. I'm likin' these 40 hour weeks. Pipeline is long hours, but REALLY sweet paychecks. I'll take that trade-off.

I suggested the lab tech thing because of a program here locally. They have IIRC a one year, maybe two at the most, program, teaching surgical lab techs. They can't keep students, because all the local hospitals come in and snatch them up after 6 months. Probably for a couple reasons. First, they have enough training by then to do the job, and they will "in-house" certify them enough to work, secondly, at a lower rate, I suppose. I've offered to pay, or at least split, the tuition with the Good Widow, if her son will go there. I haven't bounced it off of him yet, but, I plan on the three of us setting down for a heart to heart about it soon. I do NOT want him leaving early just to get a paycheck. I want him to finish it, so he can get a BIGGER paycheck, for less work, seeing as how the ones without the "real" certs will be stuck doing the work. We'll see how that goes.

At any rate, I'm seeing the trend of certifications/licenses providing better, more satisfying work, than what the degrees are, with similar, or better pay. Unless I realize we have a young rocket scientist on our hands here, I will more often try to steer them that route.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, this site is about cousin love, not college.  I don't mean to be rude, but I would rather not have that kind of talk on my topics because I read them all, and am looking for info to help me deal with this situation. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This site is about LIFE and you are demonstrating your very immature attitude.  You are getting some excellent advice which will help you deal with the ups and downs of living. 

You are being rude - to people who really want to help.  Life is not all roses and ice cream.  You are going to have hard times - they come with the territory.

Good luck - you'll really really need it!

Nattana

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

with an attitude like that, you're liable to not get any more advice from anyone on any topic.

like it or not, your cousin isn't your entire life. you need to look at the bigger picture. you said you don't want to go to college. that doesn't mean you need to not have a plan for your future beyond just trying to start a band and get famous. your sounding like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum rather than a 14 year old who is trying to get advice on planning a life with someone you love. i know you're only 14, but you're wanting to be talked to like your a man. so man up.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well I have to agree with Nat and LadyC. You are being rude and childish. Of course at 14 you are still a child.

Mr. Know it all, You came here asking for advice and in LadyC's first reply you were given good advice.

But your reply to her was " I already know all that".

My advice is to move on. If it is meant for you and your cousin to be together in  THE FUTURE you will.

However you are both only 14, you have LOADS of growing up, learning and maturing to do before either of

you are ready for anything serious. Do as Hawk suggests  and get an education of some sort, put this

wwaayyy  back on the back burner on very low.

You think college is dumb? Fine~ do you have any idea of the number of young folks that aspire to become

famous with their music? Only a handful ever make it. Having something else to fall back on it not only smart

but very necessary.

As  was said before, man up, if that is how you want to be treated.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know I'm still young and childish.  I try my best to keep from doing things out of compulsion because it will not only help me in life, but it might help with my OCD.  In fact, my first thought of what to say was, "I'm not being rude, you're just reading it wrong", but I didn't because I knew that would only make it worse.  I truly wasn't trying to be rude, I was just saying that it was turning into a talk about how college is getting to be unnecessary.  I'm sorry for how my lack of knowledge sometimes makes people read what I write in the wrong ways.  I know I'm getting good advice, and I'm absorbing every bit of it.  My cousin never as the biggest part of my life, I have too many other things for her to be.  She just helped me achieve things.  Since meeting her, my bass skills have increased tremendously, I have a lot more motive for working on my car, and I've come to realize how many things in life have to be waited for.

I know a lot of what you tell me.  While this is true, you're also giving me some of the best advice I've ever heard.  I know I need to grow up, but I'm still trying to deal with the transition.  I'm more mature than most people my age, but I know I still have a long way to go before being anywhere close to fully mature.

As for our relationship, I've decided to just be friends for now.  I know that of we were in fact meant to be together, we will be, but only after we are out of the house and free to make our own decisions.  If we're not, so be it.  I'll just be glad we met and became such great friends.  Act like nothing ever happened between us. 

Thank you all for your help and support.  Im glad I found this site, and I hope my youth doesn't get the best of me and bring any bad again.  This site and all the people who have replied to my topic are the only thins that could have made me come to terms with the circumstances, and learn to let of be for now.  So thank you all.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

well you are welcome, and you are forgiven. and.... nobody said higher education wasn't necessary. it really is, there are just more options for obtaining one these days. in any case, you're a few years away from having to decide on that. for now, building the friendship between you and your cousin without pursuing anything more is the right track, and i'm glad you are willing to make that sacrifice for now.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Pokebass: You are acting much more mature than my almost 40 year old cousin. He won't even communicate with me on any level. After saying he wanted to marry me and promising he'd stay in close touch and he was separated from his wife. You are 14 years old and far surpass my grown cousin's actions. I get a feeling you would not lie or hurt your cousin. Just read my posts and you will see how much more mature you are than what I have been through. I won't ever forget the happiness my cousin and I had together, but I will always wonder what his motivations were by his deceitful behavior at his age. Being dumped by your grown man cousin is really unforgivable for me at this point in my life. As far as college I have a bachelors degree, but I don't think college is so important as it used to be. I know a lot of people who are very successful who never went to college. I just really hope and pray you respect your beloved cousin and if you ever pursue a relationship please do not lie and deceive her as I have been done as it is beyond hurtful for a lady to be treated with disrespect. I am sure you are a better man than that even at 14 years old. Good luck with your cousin love!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow, I didn't expect this.  These posts really cheered me up, even thought I was already fairly happy as it is.  I'm glad I'm forgiven, and I'm glad you think I made the right choice.  It's going to be hard, but I can deal with it.  I just wish I'd done this when we first got reconnected, it would have saved a lot of trouble.  Like I said to her, I loved her too much to not be with her, but not enough to wait until the day we can be together without our parents being able to say anything.  That's behind me now, and I'm glad it happened, because it has taught me a valuable lesson. 

I know I say it a lot, but thank you.  You are all beautiful people who deserve the best life has to offer.  I can't ever be grateful enough for the advice you've given me.     

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

yeah, don't tell anyone how awesome we are, it might ruin our reputation ;)

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your content will need to be approved by a moderator

Guest
You are commenting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   You have pasted content with formatting.   Remove formatting

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0