• Announcements

    • KC

      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

      Be informed on better ways to stay safe on the web -- Source: Mozilla
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
wayward

Am I reading too much into this?

This topic has had no activity within the past six months. It is recommended that you start a new topic instead of replying to old topics.

9 posts in this topic

I'm not sure where to start. I'm sorry this is so long, but I guess the nature of this site makes most posts pretty long anyway, and especially this paticular question. I found this site a while ago, I think last year around this time. I thought about posting then, but decided I needed to just put it out of my mind and not get into this situation. Of coarse, I'm wondering if my cousin likes me romantically and also if she's actively flirting with me.

OK, so we're 1st cousins, she has a boyfriend, and she's 8 years younger than me so that's all why I tried to just forget about it last year. It was hard, it took a couple of months to get to a point that it wasn't on my mind all the time and then more will to not push for another smaller gathering that we were supposed to do in the spring. After the other day though, it's driving me crazy. We usually only see each other when I come home for the hollidays, but I'm here now helping a parent with things they need done. She came over once, and we're supposed to again before I go back and as I'm sure most of you can relate to... I don't want to cause a family situation anyway, much less if I'm over reacting. So... I guess I should start with our past.

Our two (immediate) families went through a few distressed times where we weren't around each other, but when we were most of us were pretty close and would see each other all the time. My two younger cousins loved trying to team up and wrestle me or climb me and whatnot. At some point she got a little girl crush on me and wasn't old enough to understand the implicatications. I'm really not sure about our age then. I think I might have been 16 or so which would have made her 8 but I know it seemed like she was older. I'd already guessed that's what was going on because her body language changed when she would climb on me and whatnot. She also starting sitting on me a lot more and often it was more like straddling my leg... and would sometimes move and wiggle a lot more than I was comfortable with all things considered. I probably should have done something, but we both had parents that could be pretty harsh to say the least so I didn't want to get her in touble and was afraid of things getting turned around on me or causing another family spat. I didn't even know if I was over reacting even back then. And if I'm honest with myself, I think I might have wished she was older and not my cousin. IDK.. maybe I'm imagining that skewed by what I'm feeling now.

Anyway, one holliday I found out for sure that she had a crush on me. She was doin physical things again and then later during dinner she tells the whole family that she wanted to marry me and how I looked like a certain celebrity. I'm sure I turned red... and there was a lot of laughter over it. I thought someone would tell her something corrective right there but they didn't. At least not there. I think something was said privately because it seems like she toned her clinginess to me down a bit after that. It seems like we started seeing them less, but that might just be in part because I was out with my friends all the time. So that was a bit of a relief. I had felt guilty about not doing anything more about her crush. But not long after that thier parents split up unfortunately and started going through a very ugly divorce. At that point I don't think I saw them again for a few years and I moved away. Eventually they start reconciling with their father (my Unlce) and I started seeing them occasionally (mostly at family events) but I could tell it was uncomfortable especially for her, mostly because my Uncle's behaviour caused her reconcilliation to take a lot longer than her brother.

Well last year I think it was (maybe the year before) things started coming out about why they'd been uncomfortable because my Uncle passed a few years ago. I don't and can't know what all happened during the divorce, but they'd understandably felt abandoned. Their father really did abandon them, and because of his behavior and all of the things we kept hearing we didn't know how to handle the situation. So it was like restorative for our connections to them.

We also found out that we both share a... recreational preferance.. that she was rather excited to find out about. Well, I think it was last year at Thanksgivning I think, she starting being a lot more touchy and clingy with me. By that I mean, before I mean all we did was hug hello and goodbye and now she was putting her arm around me often and taking opportunites to get or stay close to me. I didn't think too much about it at first because for one her boyfriend was right there and you know... we were all reconnecting. At some point while we were standing next to each other she puts her head on my shoulder and looks up at me with like puppy dog eyes and I automatically just put my arm around her not thinking anything of it. At some point it just hit me that we'd been standing like that for quite a while and that I was smiling so much that I must have looked like my face was lit up or something... not what I felt like was just a cousin thing... and that her boyfriend was right there the whole time and how we must look like to him so I withdrew but not in an obvious way. I'm not exagerating when I say I don't think I've smiled like that in years. If I recall correctly time wise, she got close to me at least once more and put her arm around me and we stood there for a while.

After that of coarse I'm trying to figure out if I was just over reacting. It was on my mind a lot. At Christmas, it just so happened that her bf and brother couldn't come so we ended up having some time to talk away from others a bit. She wasn't as clingy this time, but it was definately still there. Somehow, when we were with the rest of the family it came up how they used to use me as a climbing tree and whatnot and she says (in front of everyone) something to the effect of she still might or she might have to do that again or she still wants to or something along those lines. Afterwards it occured to me how I was really feeling connected to her. I thought about it a lot... I mean all the time. I eventually had to get it off my chest and talked to a friend about it who was not judgemental in the least but pointed out what I would be potentially risking. I decided to drop the issue.

A few months ago I ended up calling her about a few things. I'm 39 now, and she's 31. She was out in a boat fishing with some people but talked to me for like an hour or so. I told her some things I'd wanted to say the previous spring when we were supposed to have gotten together. Mostly things concerning about the position we were in when her parents divorced and how none of us wanted had wanted to hurt them but was in a corner because of family. I saw her briefly a couple of months later and mentioned I'd be in town at my Mother's soon, and she said she'd come visit when I was. So I called and she invited me over the following night. I wasn't sure if I could, and told her to call when she got off work. Instead she stops by and we talk a while and do some recreational stuff. She kept her distance at first, and I was cool with that. As much as I seem to like her, it's an extremely complicated situation and not one that I'm going to shine a light on as long as I'm not getting signals.

Well, after a while my Mom comes home and and she starts getting close to me again, especially when I was flipping though a recipe booklet but not putting her arm around me like before. But she was usually close enough to smell her hair and feel her breath. Then she started lightly brushing her breast against my arm or the back of my hand. At first I'm thinking it's an accident, but it keeps happening. I'm going crazy trying to figure out if she doesn't know what she's doing or not feeling it or just not thinking anything of it. I don't think it was something she had to do to get that close to read. It's hard to tell from the way she dresses in baggy clothes, but I don't think her size is close to being such that it's hard at times to keep from brushing up against people that way.

So I was trying to figure out what I should do, if anything, to figure out what was going on. I got my chance I think. My Mom cracked some joke about me while her breast was touching the back of my hand so I nudged her with it while she was still touching me and told her "don't feel like you have to take up for me here or anything". So, since she was already touching me, I was essentially nudging her breast. She only broke contact for a second when she laughed, and then went right back to being pushed lightly against my hand. When she left I walked her out to her car, and when she turned around the look on her face somehow made me think she wanted me to kiss her, but I hugged her instead and told her I'd call about meeting up again.

I'm soooooooo conflicted about what I think she's feeling and doing, and to be honest about how I should handle this if I talked to her about it or whatever. I don't want to cause a family issue. We have way too many of those. And I don't want to make things akward now that we've reconnected. The last thing I want is to make her feel alienated like she was when her parents got divorced.

And then of coarse there's the bf. She's been with him forever. If I'm not mistaken, it's been close to 10 years give or take a couple. It may even be closer to 12. And I think they've been living together for 6-7 years at least. Heck, I think they've been "engaged" for like 4 years, but I know it's been forever. There's always some reason why she doesn't just do it already. The other night she told us part was because her mother dissaproves of him so much. But she's admitted to me privately before that she makes excuses to convince her self of things like reasons not to have a child even though she really wants one. I'd normally never poke my nose in like that with someone that's already in a relationship, but she may never marry the guy it seems. I wonder what ALL of the reasons are for her not following through.

IDK. So, am I reading too much into things? Especiallly the thing with her breast? That's my foremost immediate concern. Beyond that, do you think I should talk to her about it even if we don't get together? I mean she has a bf... this is something I'd never do. But for some reason... I feel so connected and attracted to her. But if I'm not over reacting, then maybe even if we don't get together maybe I should talk to her before something happens in the moment and/or feelings get hurt.

I also know that if this were anyone else, I would be focusing on learning more about who she's become to see how compatible we are before having such a serious conversation. But it seems to me that at the rate this is going, something's going to happen in the heat of the moment first... unless I'm reading too much into this. But I know on my side I would be going crazy inside while trying to do this.

Ugh.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Btw... someone will probably ask this so... first cousin marriage isn't legal in my state.

Also... in case I didn't relate this clearly, I don't want to put her through feeling disconnected from the family again. She really doesn't have anyone on the other side of her family other than her mom and we've lost a lot of family (deaths) on our side the last few years. So I wonder too if maybe she's attaching because of that and only in a family way and I'm reading too much into the rest.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yep pretty wordy!

I didn't even try, but I am known as the one around here that likes it short and sweet.

Too, it hasn't been too busy so wait a bit more. Someone may read it yet.

If you feel the need to be this detailed, then maybe you are reading too much into the situation.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've noticed that's often the case in the forums, but in my case if it were anyone else I'd be 85-90% sure they were interested and I'd have no issue asking them directly. I'm being thorough to make sure because we have a bit of history and it's complicated and I don't want to make her uncomfortable. I'm going to hang out now, maybe later I'll do the short version.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

She is in a long term relationship.  Married or not, she has invested 10 years into this guy.  Even if she were to call it quits with him today, you do not want to make any kind of romantic overture until she has had time to heal.

For now, you need to be a friend and not worry about romance with her.  If she ever decides that she wants a change of scenery, make sure you are in her view.  :cheesy:

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

wayward,

^^^ That right thar.

Wise Serendipity is wise. Stay in touch, but put any serious thoughts of as we call it, "The Talk", on the back burner. She's got a long term BF. It matters not if he's an asshat. He's HER asshat. He's her issue to deal with. Bide your time.

Let me tell you something I'M reading into this. She's not married him, and not had a child with him, even though she has expressed her desire to marry and have children. That is either her overtly signaling that she doesn't see him as a potential life mate, OR an outward manifestation of her subconscious having come to that conclusion, either through her mother's commentary on the matter, her own experience, or a combination of both. She's probably so far into this relationship that she just isn't exactly sure how to gracefully bow out. Which, after that long, there usually ISN'T a graceful way to bow out. Bide your time, and wait for it to hit the brick wall. Just be sure YOU aren't the brick wall.......

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for replying, and I appreciate you guys taking the time to read.  :smiley: I'm going to try to keep this short, but know that I could easily write book just to explain some of this stuff.

Hawk, you hit the nail on the head about how she sees him. Not only for her own reasons, but her mother's constant protests as well. I doubt she'll likely leave on her own. The short reason is she has abandonment issues from the messy divorce of her parents and related events. Not just with him but the family. I suspect they run quite deep. When she admitted this, that is when things really changed. There is a slight chance she might leave, but it's likely if she did she would literally be moving about as far away as she can without leaving the continental US.

Now, apparently I'm not being clear about something. If I had a talk with her about this it wouldn't be to pursue her. I wouldn't deny my feelings at all, but I would be discouraging this as long as she's with him. The reason for the talk is because if this keeps escalating to the point that there's no question about what she's doing, I'll give in and I don't want a relationship with her to start out like that.

So, again... my question is am I reading too much into her behavior?

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wayward,

    You need to educate yourself on dealing with relationships.  I've been promoting two books for years - I'm notorious about it!  lol  The first one is NASTY PEOPLE: HOW TO STOP BEING HURT BY THEM WITHOUT STOOPING TO THEIR LEVEL by Dr. Jay Carter.  The book is quite short and very very good.  You can download it and I suggest that you read it as many times as you need.  I've been reading and rereading it since 1998  LOL 

  Don't tell her about it unless she notices how you change and asks why.

  The other book is MEN ARE FROM MARS/WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS.  It explains the differences between us and how to understand the opposite sex. 

  Use those two books to become her best friend. 

    I've used them and I know they work - and my cuz is my best friend as I am his.

    Send me a PM if you have any questions.

  HUGS

  Nat

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your content will need to be approved by a moderator

Guest
You are commenting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   You have pasted content with formatting.   Remove formatting

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0