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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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pokebass1

I've Messed Up

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Hey, I'm back.  My new story is this.

When I first met my half-second cousin, who I fell in love with, one of her friends started messaging her about how he wanted to kill himself over a girl.  Some time later, I decided I wanted to help him with this.  I sent him a message over Facebook saying that it wasn't right to want to do that, but I kind of get where he's coming from.  I didn't think before sending it, though.  I said things that I now regret, and wish I had thought about what I was saying and make sure that he wouldn't take offense to any of it.  Then, 10 days ago, I get a message from my cousin saying that he didn't appreciate me messaging him, and she asked me to stop.  She told me he was getting mad at her because she didn't say I was there when it happened.  I was thinking the entire time, "Man, this kid is so immature,"  but I didn't want him mad at her.  I told him that he shouldn't get mad at her, because it's not her fault that I was there.  It was my fault, and he should be mad at me, not her.  I can't stand him being mad at her because of me, because I love her. I also told him that all I wanted to do was help.  His reply was, "You're her cousin.  That's sick and messed up."

After that, I had my tablet taken away and was banned from getting on Facebook or Google Hangouts.  Then, my favorite cat died from eating rat poison.  I've started getting depressed because I feel I mess up everything I get involved with.  Every time I think about her, which happens at least 10 times a day, I get in a bad mood and sit down, or go into another room, and just think about how I've messed up the best things in my life.  I also wonder if she even still loves me.  I know she does, but she has good reason not to.  I think up scenarios about when I message her again, and they either end in her forgiving me, or never wanting to talk to me again.  I don't want to think like that, I just do.  Even in public, where I cheer up, I'm depressed.  I'm usually the happiest person in the room, but I can't stay happy for  long.

I know some of this may sound childish, but I still need advice.  You guys are amazing at that.  Thanks for any advice given.

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the what if's in life will drive you insane if you let them. trust me... i'm 50 years old and i still obsess over what if's. not old ones, but new ones. what works for me is to push forward and meet the challenge head on as soon as i possibly can. then good or bad, i know the answer. i might have something bad to obsess over for a few days, but i get over it.

so that's what you need to do. the first chance you get, talk to your cousin and tell her what you've told us. let her know that for your own sanity, you need to know if she's angry with you or not. she may just say she needs a little space, but that it isn't permanent. or she may say she's been worrying about the same thing wondering if she'd pushed you away for good.

as for the other guy, you and your cousin both need to recognize his 'that's sick' comment for what it is. a jealous knee-jerk reaction. his feelings would be understandable if you were first cousins, but half-second-cousins? that's just pure jealousy speaking.

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Thanks LadyC, you always cheer me up.  I guess I should just stop letting he bad get to me, and let the good side of it guide me. 

Now, for the other guy, I could see jealousy being part of it, since he has dated her, but I don't think he knows that we're half 2nd cousin.  I guess I'll tell him some stuff to try and let him know the truths about our situation without messing anything up, like I have before.

Again, thank you for all of your advice, it's all greatly appreciated.

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i'd just tell him you're only half second cousins and leave it at that. people like him are not going to hear the truth about cousin couples in general.

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I've already told him that it's mainly how society views it that makes people think it's wrong, but it really isn't.  I'm currently writing down things to tell people that might could change their mind a little, but I kind of doubt it will work.  I guess I won't try very hard to change his, though, since what he says doesn't really matter.

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There's a saying:  You can't fix stupid, but you can educate ignorance:  you have a chance to educate YOURSELF.

It is not your responsibility to fix someone else.

I recommend a book that might help you:  NASTY PEOPLE:  HOW TO STOP BEING HURT BY THEM WITHOUT STOOPING TO THEIR LEVEL by Dr. Jay Carter.

Nat

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I can't really figure out why you're bothering to try to convince this guy that what you two are doing is okay. Frankly, it's none of his business. What happens in your life is your business. Don't let anyone make you feel like less of a person for the decisions you make.

My advice? Dust your feet of this guy. He's clearly just jealous and doing whatever he can to garner attention to himself. Talk to your cousin. If her feelings for you really are as strong as you hope, you've got nothing to fear. One thing my life has taught me is that you have to live for yourself. No one else has to live your life. He's as responsible for his life as you are yours. Relax. You don't have to change the world. Just stand up for what you believe in.

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I agree with all the above, live your life for yourself and this guy can like or lump it because he is plainly jealous. Don't let him bring you down and go off your feelings because you only live once and your don't want to look back with regrets by not going/following your feelings etc...  :smiley:

nessa76

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Nattana:

    Thanks for the advice, even if I have yet to figure out how to put that into my life.  As for the book though, due to my form of OCD, reading is extremely aggravating and at times makes me want to punch holes in the things I need the most.  Thanks for the recommendation, though.  I might read it if I can ever get my OCD under control.

DazednConfused:

    I'm mostly trying to convince him so he doesn't bother her about the fact all day at school, as my friends do me.  I'm also kind of letting him fade out of my memory, as he has already almost done. 

I would talk to my cousin, but I can't.  I have no way to.  That's what caused me to write this in the first place.  My made up scenarios are finally going to a good version of what could happen, but my depression due to all of the reminders I have of her has yet to quite go away.

Also, I love the name, even if I'm just making the reference without it really being present.

Nessa76:

    That right there is my life philosophy, and is what I wish everybody thought.  I can't change their minds, though. 

Also, why 76?  I love the number 76, that's why I'm asking.

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Nattana:

    Thanks for the advice, even if I have yet to figure out how to put that into my life.  As for the book though, due to my form of OCD, reading is extremely aggravating and at times makes me want to punch holes in the things I need the most.  Thanks for the recommendation, though.  I might read it if I can ever get my OCD under control.

DazednConfused:

    I'm mostly trying to convince him so he doesn't bother her about the fact all day at school, as my friends do me.  I'm also kind of letting him fade out of my memory, as he has already almost done. 

I would talk to my cousin, but I can't.  I have no way to.  That's what caused me to write this in the first place.  My made up scenarios are finally going to a good version of what could happen, but my depression due to all of the reminders I have of her has yet to quite go away.

Also, I love the name, even if I'm just making the reference without it really being present.

Nessa76:

    That right there is my life philosophy, and is what I wish everybody thought.  I can't change their minds, though. 

Also, why 76?  I love the number 76, that's why I'm asking.

I was born in 1976, so the 76 is part of my date of birth lol

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I was born in 1976, so the 76 is part of my date of birth lol

    You and my car both, kind of.  My car was actually made in November of 75.  My cars model is 76, so I just like the number.

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