Guest Cuttinghimout

Need Help Dealing with Him after 'breakup'

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Hi,

I was on this forum a few years back seeking advice and help from the community. The relationship I had with my cousin was complicated to say the least. To back track a little, I was seeking advice because my cousin wanted to sleep with me after he had clearly replaced me with some other girl and was engaged to her. I took the advice I was given at the time, which was to stay away from him. I cut him out of my life completely. I told him we were not friends or family anymore and for him to stay away from me, and I meant that.

In the past year, he has decided to start coming around the family again with his wife. I avoided the thanksgiving dinner last year so he wouldn't think it was OK to talk to me. I even tried to leave my uncle's house before he and his wife showed up last Christmas, but was unsuccessful, he did not speak to me, but he looked at me, and that made me angry. My anxiety levels went way up and I had to get out of there. Every time I see him I become infuriated. I can't stand him and I don't want to be around him. I really think he is sick in the head. And not because he is attracted to me. The way he thinks and the things he says are all wrong. He has no morals. He's into drugs and drinking, he is just not all there. It was during one final conversation before I cut him off completely that I realized this. I can't remember word for word what was said, but it made me think that he was really sick.

I need help dealing with seeing him during the holiday season. This thanksgiving I only wanted to stay long enough to drop off some food to my grandmas house. His wife was not there. I said hello to everyone but him. He muttered Hi under his breath which made me angry. I got stuck, talking to some relatives for a little bit and noticed he kept staring at me. I never want to see or speak to him again. I don't want him to think that using me was OK and I will be sending that message if I say anything to him. He is about 8 years older than me. I'm in my 20s. He can't say that I'm being disrespectful to him or his wife by not acknowledging them or saying anything to them. How do I deal with seeing him during this time of year? And what if he tries to speak to me alone? Or what if I happen to be left alone with him? I try to avoid this at all costs, it is my worst nightmare. Please help if you can or if you have been in a similar situation with anyone, it doesn't have to be a cousin.

Also, my sister told me that he and his wife moved somewhere not far from where I live, which I chop up to being creepy. I don't know if they still live there or not because she told me that last year, but I don't think he moved to my side of town for any sane reason.

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It certainly does sound creepy for them to move nearer to where you live, stalkerish kind of. I'm glad though you don't think he's sick for being attracted to you but he probably is in other ways. I'm glad you stood your ground with him & told him you don't want to see him, not friends and not family either.

He can't be sane if its his motive to live near you, it certainly is stalking imo & i'm sure yours too. I can see why your feared and stuff about this because it is creepy.

Anyway, i don't know how to help you on this one but i'm sure someone on here can do.

nessa76

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I suggest you to stay away from him.I know it is hard, but don't let him hurt you. Avoid family gatherings. Just remember that he is moved on and eventually you will also move on.

Ignore him and concentrate on your life.

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Thanks for your advice nolove0987 and nessa76. I do try to avoid family gatherings at all costs. Over the summer my grandma guilt tripped me into attending the family reunion with her and once he knew I was going, he went with his wife and son from a previous relationship. During the family photo, he went out of his way to stand as close to me as he could. I was wearing pretty short shorts, (which I wouldn't have if I knew he'd be there) we were in California and it was over 100 degrees. Everyone told me he said he wasn't sure if he was going, which I figured meant he wasn't going. He never felt the need to go to any other family reunion. Anyway, he kept staring at my behind and legs from the side of his eye as if I didn't see him.

I guess I really need help figuring out what I'm going to say since it's inevitable that he will try to talk to me at some point. I want to tell him that I have nothing to say to him at all and leave it at that, but he won't accept that as an answer. He'll want to know specifics as to why I don't want to speak to him, what he did 'wrong' as if getting engaged and married wasn't enough. I mean I don't need to get into specifics here about our relationship, but one time he mentioned something like 'A person doesn't have to say that they love someone, because they should know already,' which in my  mind translated to, 'I'm too ashamed to say that I love you,' and just before I stopped talking to him he was trying to fix our relationship and said, 'I care about you,' like really? Sorry I'm ranting now, but I'm so frustrated with all of this.

I have tried to move on, I've went out with a guy who has been pursuing me for a while, but I feel like I can't really move on until I stop being so angry at my cousin. It's not fair to anyone else because I feel guarded about trusting them. Even carrying on a normal conversation with a guy who is interested in me is hard. I plan to move out of state to finish my bachelors degree, I'm hoping that will help keep the distance between my cousin and I, but with my luck he will find some excuse to move there too, or at least visit there.

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You might find help in reading a book:  NASTY PEOPLE:  HOW TO STOP BEING HURT BY THEM WITHOUT STOOPING TO THEIR LEVEL by Dr. Jay Carter.

Learn how to deal with his attitude by changing yours.  I found that this book really, really works! 

I have no idea how many times I've read it - I just kept reading it until I got it firmly in my head.

He is trying to "control" you - also called bullying.  You can change things and leave him wondering "what happened"  LOL

Send me a pm if you have questions.

HUGS

Nat

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Thanks Nattana, I will look for the book ASAP :). GirlSaysWhat, I have considered counseling, but I feel like I will have to change the story some so I don't have to admit that this guy is my cousin and I'd have to leave out a lot of detail and it would be hard for the counselor to understand. I tried reaching out to a family member before, and she blew everything out of proportion. I basically had to lie about telling the truth and everything just fell out of control, which spun me into a really deep depression. I'm actually going to school to be a psychologist, I've got about 8 months until I earn my AA and then I plan on transferring out of state to earn the rest of my credentials. I plan on getting my Ph.d, I should be done just before my 30th birthday. I started school to distract myself from everything that was happening at the time. I needed control of something in my life, so I chose to go to school. It seems as the years go by, it's becoming harder for school to distract me from thinking about the turn of events, but I think the move will be good for me.

I think as the years are passing by, he thinks that I will come around and talk to him again. What he doesn't know is that I can stay angry for a long time. I have not said a word to him in almost 5 years, for the majority of that I couldn't even look at him. When I walked into my grandma's house at thanksgiving he was the first person I saw, we locked eyes. I know I probably looked disappointed that he was there, I definitely felt that way. I turned my attention to my sister and proceeded to say hello to everyone except him.

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Cuttinghimout,

    No need to stay mad:  if he tries to talk to you, just say something like "you've been eating garlic and you stink!"  LOL 

I've been married and divorced twice - I just say "the best revenge is living well - whether they know it or not!"

Reading the NP book over and over and over has changed how I think and how I react.  Actually, when I encounter a Nasty Person, they usually leave me alone and go find someone who is easier to bully.

Also, Dr. Carter is an national expert on bipolar disorder and bullying - check out his web site.

HUGS

Nat

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Nattana, I also believe the best revenge is doing well whether he knows about it or not. I actually have a lot of good things going on in my life right now. It just sucks because he puts me in such a bad mood. I'm trying not to be angry but it is so hard! I can't help it, the response is automatic. I don't really want to feel indifferent about him or be happy to see him. I'm not at the point to where, when I see him, I can be ok that he's in the same room as me.

A few years back, I was in Vegas for the summer and had stopped talking to him without explanation, he didn't know how angry I was at him for getting engaged to the girl, I just stopped talking to him. He called me and text messaged me and somehow he knew everything about my life. I guess my grandma had been keeping him up to date. At that point we were still on speaking terms, but it was during that summer that I started feeling something was really wrong with him. I mean he knew absolutely everything about me. So I'm sure he is still asking whoever his source of information is about me and no doubt knows everything, this bugs me a lot and I wish he would mind his own business. And it also brings me back to the creepy stalker like behavior I was talking about before. I don't think about him at all if I can help it, I don't care what he does or who he does it with. He only crosses my mind during this time of year because I'm always left wondering if I can be easy going and relaxed or if I have to be plotting excuses to go home.

I ordered the book, I hope it helps me as much as it's helped you! Thanks for all your help and advice!

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I agree with the getting counseling angle.

You do need to tell all to the counselor  and if it bothers that person then you

need to look around until you find one you can be comfortable with and who will

not judge you because of the cousin aspect, but be willing to help you deal with

the situation.  It is hurting you much more than it is bothering him and you need

peace in your life and understanding of how to deal with all of it.

Best wishes on your journey.

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Cuttinghimout,

  I would like to send you a private message but you need to register for me to do that.

  There is a trained counselor in my family and she can't figure out why I am so happy and content.  I've told her about the book and I know she has recommended it to clients BUT she needs to read it lots of times as I have.

  It works if you are willing to learn and change.

  Do please stay with us - I'm really hoping to hear good things from you.

HUGS

Nat

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I agree with the getting counseling angle.

You do need to tell all to the counselor  and if it bothers that person then you

need to look around until you find one you can be comfortable with and who will

not judge you because of the cousin aspect, but be willing to help you deal with

the situation.  It is hurting you much more than it is bothering him and you need

peace in your life and understanding of how to deal with all of it.

Best wishes on your journey.

This.

A good counselor /therapist will not judge you for any of this.

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I will think about the counselor thing. I've talked to a few friends about this, but they can only talk about it for a little bit without becoming angry and jumping to conclusions so I stopped that all together. Family cannot be trusted with this type of discussion. I tried before, I was text messaging one of my female cousins and I told her some of what was going on and why I was angry and she actually text messaged the conversation to every one of our family members. So they all jumped to huge conclusions and they got the wrong picture because this female cousin only sent some of the conversation, she sent it in bits and pieces so it looked like I was telling her I had been raped or something crazy which wasn't the case at all. The worst part was that everyone was angry at ME and I had to back track everything, turn my female cousin into the liar, and also myself. I lost all credibility that day and made myself into a liar which really ripped me apart, because I prided myself on being honest at all times. Eventually almost everyone accepted my story. Now most of them hate me anyway, everyone except my grandma, sister, and mom. Which is  another reason why I don't mind not participating in holiday events when everyone is going to be guarded around me and make HIM into the angel (you know because I "lied" on him or whatever). I guess if I saw a counselor I would have to talk to them for a while before I deemed them trustworthy or not.

Nattana, ok I will make an account and message you. I really appreciate your help and I really appreciate the help everyone has offered!

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