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Lateralus

Advice please.

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Hey guys I've just found this site and I think I could use some advice, I think I should tell a little bit of my story first though. Im so, so desperatly in love with my cousin...

My cousin and I first met when I was around nine or so and she was about a year and a half younger and we were best friends from the start, we would do everything together and were inseparable. As the years went by things kinda got strange though, like we both know how we feel but have never actually talked about it. It's not just that I know im in love with her though, this isn't just about my heart, This is also seriously sexual and always had been though we've never actually had sex. the nights I had just laying with her watching movies are some of the best in my life but when I was about fourteen and started abusing drugs we grew apart and we both were addicted in seperate parts of the United states. Anyway this took us apart for around a decade but recently we got back in touch over the Internet and we talked for like twelve hours straight and now all these confusing and scary feelings I thought I had buried as far as possible are coming back and they are stronger than ever. Now we are talking again and I've told her things like "I've never loved anybody like I do you" or " I love you way more than I probably should.." Just stuff like this and she has said she knows and she understands and it's okay and that she wants me with her again and I've told her so many things and I've told her I "want to be with her"  and she's said she wants to be with me but the thing is we've only hinted around the fact but what if I'm just completely reading things wrong and it's just that I'm her "favourite cousin" we are both pretty morally ambiguous so it really isn't a problem of morals but still we are family so..

I just don't know, we both are in loose relationships but when she says things like how much she needs me and wants me to be there then I start to think that there is a chance I could finaly have what I always have wanted.

Anyways sorry for the huge story I'm far from an expert on this stuff and I'm great at screwing relationships up so any advise would be helpful, and I'm so desperate for her and I literally have not stopped thinking about her in days and now it's just like I'm thirteen all over again so I just don't know.

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Lateralus,

Nice username, Tool fan that I am...

Anywho, sorry it's taken so long for me to reply. I see you posted, and haven't logged back in since. Maybe you're lurking until someone replies, so, here goes.

First, I hope BOTH of you have kicked your addictions. In my time, I've done pretty much every drug you can imagine, short of heroin. And, I've never stuck a needle in my arm. Other than that, it was pretty much wide open for a long time. I never got addicted to anything but tobacco. If I had it all to do again, the only things I would change would be marrying the first ex-wife, and ever smoking cigarettes. It's been compared to heroin, and I can see why. It's a hell of a jones, and a hell of a monkey to shake. I'm an old fart now, and pretty much grew out of the shenanigans of my youth. Plus, I got tired of burying friends, and hearing "You're next if you don't slow down" from everyone, including Cuz, at one wake. Like I say, hopefully you both have smelled the coffee, and shaken your jones. If not, make that happen first, trust me.

Which leads me to tell you, if you're going to pursue a relationship of this nature, you'd very well go into it wide-eyed and sober. Again, voice of experience, trust me. A lot of older posts were cleaned out to free up server space, my first couple posts included, or I'd link you to them and you could read them yourself. The Readers' Digest version? Me and mine are a week to the day apart, but didn't formally meet until we were about the age you and yours did. ~ 9 or 10ish. We were "best/favorite cousins" ever since. We're 2nds, but our Mom's were like sisters, and, when they moved here shortly after we'd met, we were like siblings too. Very close. We'd met. Like you, it was platonic, at least until we were 20. Then, through a series of events, we were hanging out at mine, partying like rock stars, one thing led to another, and it got very intense, very quickly. Too intense, too quickly, I suppose, looking back on it. She got scared, I didn't push her, and we walked away from it. Family wouldn't have been a problem. She was just worried about what people would think. (Well, and the whole 'we're family' thing) My opinion was "Hey, were a couple a frickin' party animals, and everybody knows it. I don't really give two :radio edits: what people think." But, I didn't say it, or push her, and we backed off, and let the whole affair be quite awkward for DECADES. In the last three years or so, we've got back in touch, aired it all out, and it's all good. BUT, at this late date, much too much water has passed beneath the bridge to try to go back and relive our youth. We have significant others, and no stomach for cheating. Which brings me to...

Whatever these "loose" relationships are, they should be settled and over before you pursue anything with each other. Neither of you needs to be the "third wheel" or each others' third wheel. Don't go in attached in any way. Tie up the loose ends.

If she's said she wants you and needs you there, then, there's a better than average chance, she feels the same as you. If I'm doing the math correctly here, you two are 23/24ish or so. PLENTY old enough to have what we around here call "the adult conversation." You're a little beyond the "testing the waters" with the old tried and true "if you weren't my cousin...." line. IMHO, the perfect age to go for it. If you feel the need, you could always say that though, to open the conversation. "If you weren't my cousin, I'd be there tomorrow, and sweep you off your feet, and take you away with me..." or some such thing that would fit your situation. If her response is something along the lines of "Oh Lateralus, that sounds WONDERFUL", you will KNOW how she feels, and you say "You know what, I don't care that you are my cousin, I'm on my way. Get ready.." At that point, you will be IN the "adult conversation", and you take it from there.

IF she does feel the same, and IF you DO decide to go for it, go in wide eyed and clean. I would say take it slow, like you would any other relationship, but, if she feels the same, seeing as how you two have met, and shared so much already, and know each other as well as you do, I'll tell you time's a wastin', and you may as well wade on off into it.

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Thanks for the advice man, I get everything your saying and it sounds very reasonable. I thought you might like to know that we have been talking pretty much non stop since about a few days after I made this post and we have had plenty of the "adult conversations" and we plan on figuring these things out in person so later in the month I'll be visiting her so we can figure these things out in person, the feelings certainly feel like they used Too and if anything a lot more intense but I've learned from experiance not to trust much over the Internet. We've been talking non stop for so long I just can't stand not being with her again after all this time. We had the talk and she freaked out at first but after a day or two she said she just couldn't stay away and she would like to have a chance to have a real relationship with me. We are just gunna hang out a bit and if everything seems good just go for it I guess. And it goes without saying this will be done sober, I wouldn't be doing this is there was any chance of being the cause of her using again. So thanks for the advice and I'll update this sometime soon but for now what I've said is what we plan, she thinks she's in love with me and she wants to find out for sure and wants me to persue her and this is what I plan.

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Lateralus,

Sounds like a good plan to me.

I had a little peek to see which State you're in, but you seem to be on one of the (usually wireless) ISPs that all converge near a town in the Midwest, and I'm not going to ass myself to dig deeper to try to determine which State you're actually in. Your State only matters if she decided to leave where she's at, and come to you. If you're going to her, it doesn't really matter anyhow. You've not mentioned which State she's in, but that would be a helpful little piece of information. I only ask so as to determine if there are any legal snags you could find yourself in if you two do decide to get physical. As a rule, even in States where you may not marry, a physical relationship between first cousins is NOT considered criminal incest, BUT, there ARE a handful of them that it IS considered a felony. Wisconsin and Texas for example, are two in which you would want to be VERY careful indeed. I intend to set down here and dig all of these statutes up, and list them, but, for the time being, I can't seem to get laid off so I have time to do so. I thought after Jan. 5th or so I would be off, but now it looks like we're going to be rolling right along for a little longer after that. Anywho, when you see this, post which State she's in. You need not, (and I'd rather you didn't) mention which town. It doesn't matter where in the State, just which State. We're talking STATE laws, so, specifics beyond that are irrelevant.

As far as information on the internet, pay no attention to Yahoo Answers or any other crap like that. You will get some correct information, if you wade through all the erroneous BS. You've found the place where the BS has been filtered out. Right here. Look further if you wish, but the owner, admins, and mods here have done a yeoman's job of gleaning the FACTS. When you get there, and the conversation turns to questions of legality, genetics, religion, (if that would concern members of the family, if not you two) and other general relationship topics you will likely face, both of you set down and get on the site here, and have a good look around. Bring her to the forum, and this thread. If I knew when you two would be here, and I would be available, I would jump in chat with you, and try to answer any questions you might have, or direct you to one of the other mods or admins if it's beyond me.

At any rate, good luck, and keep in touch with her, and us.......

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