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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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You can't have heard this before... Help

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Aloha,

So, I'm new here.. I'm pretty new to writing in forums in general. I really need some guidance on what to do, but before we start I should probably tell you a little about myself.

At a very young age I discovered my gender was incorrect (luckily for me this isnt visually obvious). By 16 I was homeless because I pursued having this corrected. I drifted a good 8 years (haing been pretty much abandoned by everyone) in hostels etc whilst trying my best to address my medical issues so I could at least attempt a 'normal' life. Long before that, around age 5 my father left and set up a new family. I didn't see him whatsoever, but was aware of relations on his side. My fathers brother died in an accident whilst in the army. His wife was always very kind to me, and we talked occasionally on Facebook. I knew of my cousins. She had a son and a daughter. Hes 24, and I can't remember what age his sister is. But that is neither here nor there.

Anyways, a while back I decided to meet my cousin for a few drinks. I had possibly met him when I was younger, but don't recall. Neither does he. When we met, there was an instant something, which I initially brushed off. Soon we were spending every evening together, vegging out, going for walks, drives, eating chicken. And we both came to the realisation that we want to be together. I have never felt a connection with a guy in my life like I do for him. And, we make an epically cute couple, if I do say so myself.  :smiley:

Whilst talking and trying to figure out what we were gonna do about all this, we concluded that because we never knew eachother it doesn't feel like we are related.. He tell me his mother (an aunt I have great respect for) won't have a problem with it. I can't say I am as sure.. But I do know that when I was a kid, and dealing with the previously mentioned medical issues, I was shunned for many years. Monstrified and villified by my side of the family. Where all of my friends know me to be a straightforward girl who is smart and knows what she wants, it took family so long to even recognise me as human. Of course, being headstrong, I acted like I didn't care and soldiered on.

But, as things have improved over the years, I am so worried about how everyone is going to react to the new information that I am seeing this guy. I know I am falling in love, but I just fear going back to square one. I never used to be concerned with anyone elses opinion of my life.

To add a yet more complicated element, I told my best friend (of 8 years). My flatmate. She has the same medical issues as I do. She told me it made her feel physically sick. I was a little upset. But, given this medical issue, there are a lot of men out there who will very easily use a girl in my situation to get their rocks off before discarding her for a 'real' woman (I am a real woman - but it shows mentality of some men). My flatmate reminded me of how this works when someone like us dates and the ruthless lengts some of these awful predatory men will go, and pointed out that she was worried that he was using me for this factor. I really don't think he is.. He has already addressed telling his mother about us and it seems very definitely real, and he isn't all about sex where those other types of men have been. I know, because I encountered many of these men over the years, and didnt realise mostly until it was too late.

Apologies if my post is a bit confusing, its just very overwhelming. Im sat here, calm as you like (rambling, perhaps), listening to music and pondering how to approach all this.

I really don't want to let him go.

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ok first, can you clarify something for me? and i'm not trying to be insensitive... but am i correct in assuming from what you wrote that you are intersexed, born with male exterior organs and female interior? i ask because so many people believe they were born the wrong gender because they are gay. but i don't think that's what you mean.

have your surgeries been completed now?

now, let's get to the issue of your flatmate's concerns. yeah, some men can be dogs. and maybe in during the teens and twenties, MOST can be dogs. but not all of them are, and even of the ones that are, there are as many 'dogs' that would be freaked out by your medical condition and run  for the hills as there are those that would use you for the novelty.

and while we're talking about those who would use you, trust me... that's what happens during those years, and it has nothing to do with the medical conundrum. guys use girls to get their rocks off and put a notch in their belt, and then they move on. your medical condition (and hers) doesn't give either of you a corner on that market. it happens to every single one of us.

and it happens to the guys, too. there are just as many girls out there using the guys as there are the other way around.

so tell your flatmate to suck it up. her feelings are valid, so don't say it as insensitively as i just did, but recognize them for what they are... concern for your well-being is only part of it. she's also envious, and she's also scared... because no matter what, the outcome of your relationship reflects on her feelings of self-worth. if things work out for you and your cousin, she's left alone with nobody. and if things don't work out with your cousin, then she will think it's further validation that she'll never find happiness.

as for your family? well, you've lived with their disdain for you all your life, so a little more isn't going to make any difference. at least not to you. it may be really hard for HIM though, if he's met with family approval in the past. most families will get over the whole 'cousin' thing in time... some sooner than others. but yes, your situation is more complicated, and because many of them may still think of you as a guy, or to use a very insensitive term, as a "he-she" (please note, i don't think of intersexed people like that at all, but that IS what a lot of idiots like to call it), he's going to be the subject of a lot of gossip.

and as such, he may not be able to handle the strain of a long term commitment... and again, that may have nothing at all to do with your medical condition, and everything to do with how well he can handle rejection from family and friends. i bring this up because you need to prepare yourself for that possibility, and recognize that when relationships fail (and there isn't a single person alive who hasn't experienced failed relationships, often a LOT of them), it's often a failure on their part, not on yours.

if he loves you, it's for who you are, warts and all.

but can he live without the adoration of others who may not accept HIM for who he is, even if he makes choices they don't agree with?

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Hi LadyC

Thanks for the response! No, not gay.. Yes surgeries are well and truly complete.

I showed him this post last night, and we have decided to wait until after Christmas to tell our families. My flatmate appears to have gotten over it entirely, as she is back to normality. Irrelevant as it seems, she already has a bf (I think you assumed she didn't).

We talked for ages last night, and he wanted to tell his mother sooner rather than later. I decided we should get our ducks in a row first.

Really appreciate the input.  :cheesy:

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I just want to tell you good luck. LadyC had excellent advice, so I can't add anything else. Please let us know how things go. We'll all try to be of support if you need it!

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Girlsaywhat,

That is so sweet of you. It's great to know we aren't alone in this. Although, I will say that I have never met a guy so respectful of me or felt so comfortable in my life.

I was saying before about telling family after Christmas. Im quite close to my sister, so I am going to tell her on New Years Day. We are going to go see Woman in Black; Angel of death. So I think I'll take her for a cuppa somewhere and let her be the first to know. I assume it will give her pause. But It'll be easier if she already knows. It'll mean there is someone already there to defend me if it goes sour... Fingers crossed anyways.

Again, thanks.

ps. I realise the gender element probably makes people a bit confused and not sure wether to respond, but honestly - Im just a typical girl, and I don't look or act like anything else. I think I was so excited to see other people out there making this work, that I just thought I should get it all off my chest.

xx

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this time of year in particular we get a lot less activity on the board... i kinda think that's the reason for the slow responses. not much shuts these people up around here, but we do cycle on and off the board depending on seasons and holidays! (and of course, how many are currently going through difficulties with their own relationships!)

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So I thought I would do a little update.

We had a bit of a fight just under a week ago. I got it in my head that he wasn't as interested in me as he said. This made me freak a little, so I started acting the same and he walked out.

We let it cool down the next day, and he then told me he had informed his mother we were seeing eachother and that he really did want to be with me. My heart almost burst from the joy. Any doubts about his intentions dissolved in that second. We have already traded Christmas gifts and everything. He spends most nights with me and days when he is off work.

Yesterday we even took a trip out on his motorbike down to his family home. I got speaking with his mum face to face and we basically chilled out there for the rest of the day with his sister and her husband. It was comfortable and totally natural. All in all, its blue skies and sunshine.  :grin:

The only thing now is telling my mother. Im not sure she is going to meet the cousin issue with the sae irrelevance that everyone else has. But, we have decided (with advice form his mum - who has known my mum a long time) that we should wait before telling her. We don't need the drama or negativity that could result at such an early stage of us being together.

I can't stop smiling  :cheesy:

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Awww cheers, LadyC.

Im a bit of a selfie nut. That picture is about 2/3 years old.. I take these wild notions for whoever is the most interesting person in the media at the time, water it down, and make their image my own. I should really have gone to beauty school. Its so much fun. Im on an Ariana kick at the minute.

but here is one I took this morning. :D

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I agree with gotitGOOD, telling his family shows how serious and commited he is to you

Good luck

nessa76

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I dont know what to suggest in such situation....one basic rule: be positive, all will be fine...

I am also in a situation like this.....infact we have informed both of our family members about our plans...Her mother is 'ok' with our plans so is her father n brother.... but situation in my family is worse....my mother is strictly against it...but i am trying my best to convince her.....

with regards,

A new member

(became a member just 30mins back)

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