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ley_b

What will my kids have to deal with because of my relationship

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Hello everyone,

I'm new to CC.com and I'm seeking advise about being in a cousin relationship involving  children.

My second cousin and I hung out over the summer and sparks flew, we fell in love, and have been together for over a year now. We started dating in Aug. 2013 and while I was living in Las Vegas, NV he lived in Elko, NV. After a year of dating long distance and living apart we finally moved in together in Aug 2014. I left Vegas and moved in with him. Since I we've been living together things have been wonderful! But, Elko, NV is a small northern Nevada town.

His family does not think what we're doing is right, but they say we're adults and they would never shut us out. His parents on the other hand, they told us it's not right and we need to end it, now! His dad told me if I loved him and cared about him, I would go home to Vegas for Christmas and leave it at that. (In so many words, he was basically telling me to get the hell out.) They said I'm not welcome at their house as his girlfriend/fianc? but I am welcome there as a cousin. His dad is fighting with the rest of his family because they won't shun me out. His uncle told me they were having Christmas at his house because I'm not welcome at his parents. I've talked to all his family members and so has he. The one thing they all say that is my cousins biggest concern is the consequences our children will face living in a small town, and us too.

We don't have any children together. I have sole custody of my 5 year old daughter and my 3 year old son. He has joint physical and legal custody of his 8 year old son.

My cousin and his family are worried about my cousin getting made fun of by his friends and the kids will get made fun of in school because of our relationship. And his parents think he can lose custody of his son if his ex finds out about us, (her and I do not get along.) Even though we aren't breaking the law, because its legal to marry your second cousin in the stat of NV... His parents said a judge can make a moral decision and what we're doing isn't morally correct, (I obviously disagree.)

Has anyone been in or is anyone in a similar situation that can lend some helpful advise????? Obviously, packing up and moving away isn't an option for us right now because he will be walking away from his son.

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i lived in vegas for 10 years... moved away from there in 2011. what part did you live in? i was over in sunrise manor on the east side.

ok first of all, take a deep breath. you are second cousins. there should never be any issue with this concerning your kids. there are no legal, moral, or biological impediments ANYWHERE in the WORLD when it comes to second cousins. you may as well be 20th cousins. you may as well not even be related. this is a subject that needs only arise in your family if YOU want it to. any family members who use any kind of blackmail over you two need to have their garbage backfire on them.... meaning you need to tell them to get over it or they will no longer be welcome in your life. i know that's harsh, especially when it's a parent, but that's what needs to happen. call him on his crap. he needs to know that blackmail is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

now if YOU CHOOSE to let any future children know of your relationship, you need to do it in a manner in which it is discussed as nothing unusual. and honestly, i believe you should raise them knowing, so that they don't carry the social prejudices against cousin marriage that they will learn from others over the years.

start when they are young, with books like 'tale of the flopsy bunnies'... did you know that benjamin bunny married his first cousin flopsy and had a litter of baby bunnies? yep. that's how young they should be when you introduce the subject of cousin marriage to them.

you should never try to hide it or act as though it's any big deal. if you don't treat it as something weird, they won't think of it in those terms. and as for other kids teasing them, how the heck would any other kids even know? trust me... they don't dig up family history on their classmates.

mark and i got married when my kids were 11 and 12 years old. mark and i both grew up in the same small town that i was raising my children in. WE went to school with the parents of kids my daughters went to school with. seriously, nobody even remembered mark and i were related until we went on national tv and told the world. even then, it was no big deal. my kids got teased for about five minutes... but because they knew the facts and didn't think it was a big deal, "bullies" quickly got tired of trying to get a reaction out of them and found someone new to pick on about something else.

that is the reality of it all. so no worries. heck, you two can even get married right there in nevada, because second cousins are exempt from the cousin marriage ban. tell any family members that object to go suck a green persimmon.

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oh AND...

you two need to find somewhere to have your own christmas dinner. screw them.

AND... nobody will lose custody of any children over this. there is nothing illegal or immoral about second cousin relationships, including marriage. any attempt for a custody battle on those grounds would be laughed right out of the courtroom... actually, it would never make it to the courtroom, because there is probably not an attorney anywhere that would try to make a case on it.

get the toxic people out of your life and be happy together. you need a support network, not a network of family that wants to see you fail.

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Dear LadyC,

I lived in vegas majority of my life. I lived in Providence/Mt. Charleston area.

I have started a small support group for us with our neighbors who are extremely helpful! I am not at all worried about my kids or my cousins son in the sake of being made fun of in school. Since this all happened I have tried my best to explain the relationship to my 5 year old. I agree with you, it needs to be taught to them now. We teach them manners, respect and not be prejudice, we need to include this.

I have two questions for you:

A) did you and Mark ever tell some of your friends in your small town about the relationship? And how did they react to it?

B) do you and Mark come out and tell people how you met? (I have no problem telling people, I have told quite a bit of my friends and I would like us to tell some of John's friends too.)

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a) mark and i got married on new year's day 1999. our close friends knew we were cousins (first once removed to be exact.) we told the preacher beforehand. he was going to marry us at our home. well, my home then. he hesitated for a moment until his wife looked at him and said "what? MY grandparents were first cousins, what's the big deal?" that was it, he married us. by the way, their daughter was best friends with my oldest daughter. and then less than a year later we went on the montel williams show and shared it with the world. anyone in our small town who wasn't aware before that certainly were AFTER that. ironically, after that we learned that my younger daughter's best friend at the time was the daughter of second cousins. my guess is that they were probably first cousins once removed, but they'd been long since divorced by then and i didn't feel inclined to try to explain the difference between first once removed and second cousins to the girl's mother. hahaha, funny thing, that girl's brother became my first son-in-law. long story, short relationship.

B) we don't really tell people all the time anymore. well i say that, but mark tends to surprise me by blurting it out LOL. we went to lunch with a couple we met at church a few weeks ago, and he told them. we'd just met them! they didn't seem bothered by it though. but even when we don't out-right tell people, they must wonder why we are always referring to certain people as "our aunt" or "our cousins".

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LadyC,

I love your story! It gives me hope for mine and John's, even though we are on the rocks right now because of this whole thing with his family. He said he doesn't think he can do this to the kids, says it's selfish. I know he's under a lot of stress and pressure from his family, so I suggested we spend Christmas apart to give each other space and time for the holidays to pass, since this is all magnified due to that. It's rough for me, I won't lie. I want to just say screw everyone and get on with our lives, but he's fighting a different battle than I am and I know I need to be patient.

On the other hand, with the research I did, I found we were second cousins. But, correct me if I'm wrong though.

My grandma and John's grandpa are brother and sister.

My mom and John's dad are first cousins.

That makes us second cousins, right???

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yes, that makes you second cousins. and the only selfish people in this situation are the ones who are trying to control and manipulate the two of you into separating.

not fair to the children? let me ask. do your children love him? does his love you? and if that's the case, isn't it more unfair to the children to rip apart the stability of the family you have all formed together?

this isn't their first time around the block. they're so young! and yet they have already experienced the pain of having a parent that they loved and adored ripped out of their home. that's what divorce does to a child. if you and your cousin love each other and love those children, then ya'll should do what is best for THEM. and that is making sure they never hurt like that again.

give your second cousins a christmas gift from me. print out this entire thread and let him read everything i've said to you. because you both deserve the merriest of christmas's... and you won't have that apart.

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John has had it instilled in his head that IF there is a chance his ex finds out, that he will lose his son. That she will take him to court and take his son from him. His mom told us that supposedly, "a judge can make a moral decision in the best interest of the child, and if a judge thinks this is immorally correct, that they will side with the mother." and according to her, 9 times out of 10 the judge sides with the mother.

I have a question for you LadyC... You said your kids were 11 and 12 when you and Mark got married. Can I ask where your children's father was? Did you have full custody? What happened when he found out?

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john is totally incorrect. IF he were to lose custody of his son, it would NOT be because he's dating a second cousin. that's not even a possibility. tell him he really needs to talk to a family law attorney of his choice and just ASK. that will alleviate his fears. judges can't make crap up. they can't take custody of his children away from him for something that is perfectly legal. his mom is using lies (or maybe just her own fears) to manipulate and control him, and it's WORKING. we've had first cousin couples here who have dealt with the exact same thing. FIRST cousins. second cousins are legal world wide. and because they were in a state where the marriage was legal, the judge immediately dismissed the complaint of the ex. to have done otherwise would have cost him the bench and probably his law license.

no judge will side with a mother if the mother has no case.

my ex never gave me any grief over my marriage to mark... which is really surprising because it's probably the only thing he never gave me any grief about. personally i think it's because he really didn't care... he wasn't really interested in raising the kids, he just wanted out of paying child support. not that he ever bothered to pay child support anyway. he was the typical deadbeat dad. but i stay civil to him for the sake of the kids and grandkids. he's even invited over for christmas eve dinner, as long as he brings the brisket. personally i wish he'd decline the invitation. my husband makes a mean brisket of his own.

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I suggested to him that if that's a fear, we sit down and talk to an attorney just to put it at ease.

But now, we're still left with point B:

John is SO worried about putting the kids through this and how hard he thinks it will be on them! I wish there were interviews of kids that told their side of the story!!!

I pray for him every day and night that God will guide him. I've put mine and my kids hearts and lives into his hands and I know he will not fail me or them.

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you really need to have him read this thread.

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When I go back home to Elko I will share it with him.

Thank you for all your advice and support.

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i hope you have a merry christmas, even if it isn't perfect!

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You really need to get a book:  NASTY PEOPLE:  HOW TO STOP BEING HURT BY THEM WITHOUT STOOPING TO THEIR LEVEL by Dr. Jay Carter.  It is about how to recognize people who are trying to control you and how to handle them in a positive way. 

It would make a lovely Christmas gift for you and your cousin to share. 

If you and he are steady and confident, the kids will be also. 

Have a wonderful Holiday!!!!

HUGS

Nat

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Thank you Nat, that's definitely a book I think I'd be interested in.

Truth is, negative people are always going to be around, how we handle them is the key to our own happiness. I believe in a stable home for a marriage AND especially, children.

Merry Chrsitmas! :)

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Thank you Nat, that's definitely a book I think I'd be interested in.

Truth is, negative people are always going to be around, how we handle them is the key to our own happiness. I believe in a stable home for a marriage AND especially, children.

Merry Christmas! :)

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ley_b, its supposed to be a good read and Nat plugs it on here all the time., 

Negative people are around but like you said, learning how to handle them is key to your own happiness, achievements etc...  I hate bullies but its always best to let it work to your own advantage, that way they haven't won (got the better of you)  :smiley:

Good luck

nessa76

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nessa76, you're right about that. But how do we ever learn valuable social skills and independence without a few bumps in the road. It's part of growing up.

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