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mnmjbmc

In Time I Will Truly Know

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          Hello to everyone reading this. I appreciate anyone taking their time to read my story for I needed to express myself in order to move on. My story might be long but please bear with me. First of all, all I wanted to say is that when I came across this site a few months ago, tears rolled down my eyes for I knew I wasn't alone and to have people understand the pain I'm going through. Well that was my intro to everyone on cousincouples, now on to what really needs to be said. :smiley: My name is Lena (prefer nickname instead) I'm 18yrs old and the cousin that I deeply love is J (nickname) and he's 21yrs old. It's hard to write my story for I have so much to say, but I'll try my best. Oh he's the son of my dads older brother. I have to write about my other cousin Joseph (recently turned 17) for he fits into my story. Here is a little background on me. I'm a gamer girl as for my cousins are too. This was something that always brings us together. I never had a boyfriend in my life for I never wanted a boy to be the reason why I hated certain school years. Never thought school was about being w/ boys so I didn't care to have a bf. I would have occasional crushes, but only really cared about school. To sum it up, I'm a 17yr old gamer girl who doesn't smoke, drink, or party so I am not a typical teenager of society. What I know best is being alone and lonely, but I guess that's my own fault.

In the summer of 2010 my cousin Joseph and I got to talking all night and we ended up kissing each other. Joseph and I had a 2yr affair, but never had sex (thank god). So basically we never had anything for each other; no emotional connection, only physical. I felt ashamed every time, but he was the only one during that time. My moms' and dads' family all live in the same city so I had all my family close (so thankful for that). My mom and dad separated years ago so I've been going from house to house. Now at my dads' 4 bedroom house my cousin Joseph lives there so that's how a year of our affair has been under wraps. Fast forward to the early months of 2012 around Feb. to March. My cousin J. starts to come over more which I haven't seen in such a long time. :Side Note: ever since my childhood years I ALWAYS found him so attractive and ever more so now: I thought really nothing of it, but just him enjoying spending time w/ the family. Everything changed once I had this dream of him. Lets just say in my dream he took me to this room. I think you could figure out the rest. Ever since then, I couldn't look at him the same. I started getting attracted to him more. That dream triggered something in me, I know it did. I always told myself, "god I would rather be w/ him than Joseph." J. was everything I ever wanted in a man. He cleans, cooks, so considerate, takes care of business, a gamer (good at them too!), great w/ kids, and I mean extremely handsome! :azn: In my mind I also told myself, "damn, the best is in my family!" Oh how I would do anything to be w/ him. Forward to June 2012. Joseph and I were having one of our intimate affairs. All of a sudden J. came in the room and caught us. I felt so ashamed and humiliated that that was the last time anything happened between Joseph and I. I couldn't do this w/ him anymore. By that time J., Jo, and another smaller cousin lived w/ my dad. I could not bare looking Johnny in the face for the next few days and didn't talk to Jo either.

Things settled down and then the summer of 2012 was a great summer because I got closer to him while other cousins stayed and chilled and played games. During that summer him and I got really close, but stopped. I think he got scared. Now from the end of the summer to Dec. we did nothing, but only get closer through talking. January 2013 is where it all happened. He didn't kiss me, but we got intimate. (NO sex!) That was the first time we both knew we wanted each other. From Jan. to April of this year were the best 4 months of my life compared to 2yrs w/ Joseph. Johnny and I were basically like bf and gf. We would talk about everything to about ourselves to our hardships in our lives. Just to put it out there, we never had sex. The both of us were so intimate w/ each other emotionally and physically. Never in my life had I experienced love like we did and it was pure heaven. Even more so with the man of my dreams! (Literally lol) :laugh: He told me one morning while I was in his arms that it was his first time being w/ someone the way he was w/ me and loving someone like me. I was shocked to hear this because I would of thought how handsome he was that I wouldn't be his 1st time loving someone. I was more than happy to be his 1st though. During this time no one thought anything even though we slept in the same bed together. Maybe because people knew he didn't have a real place to sleep. I forgot to say he was my 1st love also. Wouldn't give the chance to change that either.

From so on I had a reason to go to my dads as much as possible now. You could imagine my love for him because I had so much love to give, but no one to give it to until he came into my life. Well back to me and Johnny. During the time which I call heaven we would watch movies together, play games together, cook together, and wake up w/ him next to me every morning.(sigh) Things would be hard between me and him sometimes because Joseph lived in the same house and Johnny seen him as the ex that's still around. But nevertheless, I loved him more than anything I ever loved before and even more than myself. (still do :cry: ) There are things we did and things we said to each other that I will never forget. I remember that every morning before he would leave to work, he and I would constantly kiss each other not wanting the other to leave.(flashback :( ) In the end of April he started to leave to his sisters house more often. With him being there with me all the time, it kind of took a toll on me. I remember a text convo we had which brings tears to my eyes. He was playing Madden w/ his brother-in-law and told me he won because I was his lucky charm. I asked him why he needed me so he can win at football. [text convo from there] J:so I can win at everything L:what would you consider everything? J:you L:baby you won my <3 a long time ago before you even realized it J:the things you say make me feel wonderful L:It's because you are so special to me in everyway. Sometimes you make me feel speechless and overall so lucky to love someone like you <3 J:your crazy w/ the love you give (good way)

In May he was drifting apart from me. We would talk, but it wasn't the same. Then for 3 weeks he had to leave for his job. I was in total fear of him not loving me anymore. June was not heaven, but hell for me since I didn't talk to him for almost 2 months. Had to stay longer than 3 weeks. I got to see him at the end of June and he changed. He changed like nothing happened. The heartbreak was unbearable for me. I'm sorry pillow for all the tears. :cry: It hurt even more knowing that he was ignoring me leaving me to wonder why there was no explanation. I got another chance and he told me he thought long and hard about us. His decision was that he wanted to stop because it felt wrong. I cried telling him that real feeling don't change fast. I told him about this site. I pleaded more than anything to look through the site and read the stories for where not the only ones. His eyes kind of got a little bigger when I told about the stories and some facts. There's no internet where he is at so he can't really look them up at anytime. Unfortunately. He later told me that everything was in the heat of the moment. I was completely shattered that everything he told me, everything we did, and everything I told him left his mind easily. I cried everyday in the house that everything happened in because the flashbacks were strong. Especially laying in the bed where he would wake up next to me each morning. :cry: He has hurt me more than anyone has in my life and being alone w/ my pain nobody knew about made it more miserable. How can I not expect to be hurt especially him being my 1st love. Feels like heaven, but can hurt like hell. Honestly, he changed me in more ways possible. I believe for the better though. Even though he hurt me, if I could give him one thing in life, I would give him the ability to see himself through my eyes. Only then would he realize how special he is to me.

I've contemplated about everything like I never did before and come to accept the fact that he is young and that he like a lot of men need to sow his wild oats. I believe only then would he really know what he wants or needs. No matter how much I want to be w/ him now, I know that I can't because him and I need to experience life before we settle down. I don't know if it's because he's my first love or what, but he will always have my heart. It will be hard to move on because things like places, games, songs, and movies remind me of everything that use to be. Knowing that it might take years until where together again is something I can't fathom, but I'm a person of patience, luckily. The thing is even till this day and so forth, every time I hear his name or even see him, my heart always skips a beat. :( My story has no happy ending, but years down the road I hope our cousin love can rekindle again because I believe he is worth it. I hope more than anything that he will be my last and I am his. I love you Johnny. I always have and I always will. <3     

+Any feedback is much appreciated for you guys are the only ones who truly understand this lonely journey I'm taking. 

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Hi mnmjbmc

Do you think you could edit your post to make it easier to read? Please break it up into paragraphs and increase the font size. A lot of us don't come to this site until late at night, and after a hard day at the office looking at computer screens all day, a post like yours takes just too much effort to read.

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I know your pain, I'm in the same situation as you are right now (maybe ours is a 100 times more heavier than yours). By the way are you both students? I don't know if my advice will help you since I'm still emotionally and mentally wreck and to be honest I'm not one of the best advisers here but I want to help you. As of now the things that you can do as soon as you're done crying your heart out, reminiscing the past, dreaming of your future with him and thinking of what ifs is:

1. Move on. Tell yourself that he's not coming back, that he hurt you and that you deserve someone better, you can find someone else since you're still young. Don't give in to the idea that he may come back because it will only block you from moving on. Some of the member here does this. But this is IF you DON'T want to wait for him or as you said earlier (since he's your first love) if you're UNSURE on how true and strong your feelings for him are.

2. Focus on yourself while waiting. This is kind of what I'm doing (although I can't say if I'm finally doing it or not). I won't tell you to stop loving or waiting him or to move on because in my personal exp. I know how hard they are to do, sometimes it also seems impossible. (you'll figure that out yourself when it's time to let go) Put yourself on top of your list before him. If you really want him and are willing to wait for him then start bettering yourself in everyway you can. It will also help him realize his mistakes when he let you go. You have to make him see that there are no better women for him other than you. The details on how is up to you since you're the one who knows him.

Hope there's no third party involve because if there is then the pain will be 1million times harder just like mine. We are here for you, we are family here.

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@ Scorpion Queen: I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I would of changed it sooner, but I can only go on the computer during the night when everyone is asleep because I know how nosey my family gets. I basically don't want them to know and they will get an idea if they seen me on this site. I believe you understand.  :smiley:

@ 122107: I'm a senior, but for him he is getting his GED. I know moving on is the best choice right now and I'm trying my best. What I want to say is that I'm going to have relationships in the future and so will him. I've accepted the fact that we won't be together, but with different people. At the same time, I'm going to better myself more than I ever thought I could be because I have time on my hands to do it. Hopefully in the future he will see it and the better person I came to be.

If you don't mind me asking, why is your 100 times more heavier than mine?

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Lena,

I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out the way you wanted. I too know what you're going through and how you feel. Something similar happened to me with my cousin except my story is a little more complicated... it was more of a crazy love triangle because he had a gf at the time we were talking (flirting) but I never found out till 7 months after I met him when I got a message from her. In the end he ended up going back to her even though I did everything to show him that I truly loved him and would give my life for him but I guess that wasn't enough. Btw they were broken up at the time that I actually gave him a try. But like you I had my moments of being in heaven and now my dark days of being without him and my heartache of losing him to another girl. I think that's the worst feeling because you wonder what she has that you don't. Anyways enough about my sob story. I just want to let you know that I am here for you if you ever need someone to talk to because I know how bad it hurts to lose the love of your life, your first love (my cousin was also my first love)

I agree with 122107. . we need to let go in order for us to move on with our lives and we definitely need to focus on ourselves right now. We need to get a good education so we can get a good paying job. I'm sure we'll find another guy that would want to spend the rest of their lives with us and then our cousins will just be a memory. Of course we will always love our cousins because after all they were our first loves. Hopefully when we see our cousins again in the future and they see how great our lives turned out, they will miss us and regret letting us go. Sorry if you don't feel that way.. I do because at the moment I am mad and hurt with my cousin for lying to me and choosing another girl over me.

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I think you re-post your original post. Anyway, I think you need to give him some space. Let him miss you and don't initiate any contact. You said you are a patient lady, then this might be a good test. I was reading an article about "How long should you wait for your lover to come back to you". A lot said less than a year.

For me, I've been waiting for almost 37 years. The question for you is the same, how long will you wait?

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