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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest mikaela

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My cousin and i grew up together. We always felt this attraction. I secretly liked him but thought it was wrong. One night we were hanging out and when it was time to leave he said he would walk me to the door. When we got to the door he picked me up and carried me to my car, he kissed me. I told him that it was wrong and we shouldnt do it. A month later i couldnt resist it anymore and coffessed i like him. He said he always liked my hair and eyes. we dated for a month and he asked for a break he was going through a lot of stress and he said he didnt want to put me in the middle of it all and grandma was coming to visit and was going to stay at his house where we would hangout. Three months later he on christmas day he said he needed to talk to me and explained everything. I told i couldnt go through another hearbreak but he kissed me and well i let my guard down. The next day we started having sex and it just felt so right. And we woukd do it for the next two weeks whenever we had a chance. But last sunday he said that he was starting to feel guilty. We wouldnt be able to see grandma my dad or his mother in the eyes and not feel guilt. That if i ever find another man to dont hold back. I asked him to tell me what he really felt for me and why was he telling me this ? Was this not going anywhere? He said he liked me a little bit and that no because our family would see us differently and would never speak to us. I suggested we should end it and he said that if thats what i wanted he would be ok with it but he would like for me to speak normal like if nothing ever happened. Sometimes i think he was with me because he felt sorry for me. He would kiss me in the forehead and sometimes rub my feet. He would look me in the eyes when he spoke to me and always with this sweetness. I feel bad i really liked him but i dont know if he deserves me to speak to him again. 

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You two have crossed the line where you can't simply go back to being "only cousins" and you can?t go forward because of unfounded paranoia. There is no reason to believe that your family will ostracize you for pursuing this relationship. I bet there would be the normal, initial negative reaction from a few, but it would go away soon enough.

No relationship worth pursuing will be without risks. The only question is, ?Is this relationship worth the risks?? When I married my cousin, we too had to overcome this initial fear. We decided that we would brave any consequence for being together; there were no going back for us. I suggest that you come out as soon as possible so that those close to you do not feel like you have betrayed them, or that you hid something from them because you were ashamed.  I wish I had easy answers, but I am afraid it?s not always easy. Only you and your cousin can make this decision.

My favorite adage is, ?life is not a rehearsal.? You don?t want to be doing to ?what if?s? 40 years from now. I hope you give this plenty of thought and not base a decision on what someone else may think of you. Family and friends will always love you and come around again. Don?t make a big deal about it, and I bet they will not either.

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I am willing to come out but he is not. I believe he doesnt feel the same way i do. I just am not sure what to think of all of it. Was he just "scratching" an itch with me or did he really care about me?

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i'm curious at to how old the two of you are... because if you're under the age of 18 my advice would be tailored for that age bracket. but in any case, it sounds to ME as though you were just a flash in the pan. he enjoyed the conquest... the sex was fun, but when you started getting more serious, he's off for the hills.

that's why casual sex is such a bad idea. why were you having sex with someone you only "like"? hey, i'm old, i tend to forget i used to do the exact same thing. (sometimes even with people i did NOT like so much.) that's really not the way to find happiness. it's not even the way to find sexual fulfillment. i wish someone had told me that when i was younger.

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He is 26 and i am 25. Now i know it was a bad. I love him and well i thought he was serious about being with me. i wish i cpuld go away for sometime and put this behind me. I feel so terrible now. Could i have been so naive?

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awwww, sweetie, now i just want to give you a great big hug and tell you it's ok!

listen... yeah, it was a bit naive... but that's not the most terrible thing in the world! it's just part of being in that stage of life where you're past your teenage "kid" years, and you're not yet at the "married with children" years. you're in limbo. you've got all this hopeful anticipation of what the future holds, but a part of you is worried that you're gonna miss that magic moment that will mark the beginning of that future.

so like almost every one of us, you take shortcuts sometimes... jumping into a physical relationship before the emotional groundwork is done. and the downside of that is that once you've given yourself to someone that isn't at that same place in life, it hurts. it rips us apart. because when we have sex with someone, we're not just fitting a couple of bodies together. it's giving a special part of ourselves that is supposed to be reserved for the love of our life.

don't sell yourself short, ok? you're going to find just the right guy. and who knows, maybe someday that will be your cousin. but right now, it's not... so the important thing for you to do now is to learn to really love yourself! be your best friend! watch out for your own best interest, and trust that you'll find the right person... at the right time.

i don't know if you have much interest in God. when i was 25, i definitely wasn't. but eventually i figured out that if i could trust my creator to bring me His very best for my life, and quit trying to make it happen on my own, it would all fall into place. give that a little thought, ok?

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Thank you for your kind words and I really am trying to get closer to God. I well pray so that he gives me the strength to move on.

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It may a big help for you to get a book that I frequently recommend:  NASTY PEOPLE:  HOW TO STOP BEING HURT BY THEM WITHOUT STOOPING TO THEIR LEVEL by Dr. Jay Carter.  It is about people who try to control you and bully you.    It will help you understand what has happened and how to deal with things in a positive way/

Good luck.

HUGS

Nat

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