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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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worst1441

when my cousin was younger she wanted to marry me.

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I've been thinking about the type of person I've wanted to settle down with for a while now.

A couple months back my cousin told me when she was younger she wanted to marry me., but she also said that we couldn't get married because we were cousins.

After that I started to really think about it. She's my type, pretty, smart, funny, just a good person. We're good friends, and enjoy each other's company.

She's done things in the past that made me think she liked me but I've never been to sure. I've been having feeling towards her for a while but I've been trying to ignore them.

Any way I can know for sure if she likes me? Should I act on these feelings or talk to her about it? Any feedback is appreciated. Also her family is kind of religious so would it be a bad idea to tell the family how I feel? Thanks

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Before you say anything to family, you need to see where she stands on feelings for you.

You could start by using the tried and true  "If you weren't my cousin I would like to date you..." or "you have all the qualities

I am looking for in a girlfriend, etc"  If she seems creeped out and the "eeeewwwww" factor comes out, you can remind her you said "IF..."

This is a good starting place. If she shows any curiosity or interest offer to tell her about your "research" and this site.

There are lots of ways to determine if there is interest or not. Watch for "signs and symptoms" and take it slow.

Search for and read the posts by Hawk. He gives great advice and he deals in "age appropriate" ways to deal with the situation.

Best wishes.

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i'd actually start by bringing up what she told you. i'd say 'ya know when you told me that when you were younger you wanted to marry me? how much younger were you?' or "remember when you said you could never marry me because i'm your cousin? turns out a lot of cousins do get married!'

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I forgot to mention, when she said:

" when i was younger I wanted to marry you , but I can't because we're cousins"

I replied " cousins can actually get married in our state" . She didn't say anything to that so I don't know if that's a bad sign or not.

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worst1441,

Roma rang, I'll answer. You haven't mentioned your ages, so, for now, I'll assume you both are of age or close. You also didn't mention which State you are in, but as a mod, I can have a little peek, and did. You were 100% correct when you told her that where you are (provided she's also in the same State) that the two of you can marry.

You have also done very well with your comment to that effect. I would have probably said the same exact thing, or something very close to it, and let her stew on it. Now, DON'T PUSH HER. Let her digest this fact. She WILL bring it up at some point. Don't get weird, or let things get weird in the meantime.

Many of my epic posts are in limbo, to save space here on the site. I certainly don't want to toot my own horn either, believe me, I've laid a couple eggs here....  :shocked: I need to see if my draft for a sticky to our teen/late teen members and guests is still available, and if so, polish it a bit, and post it. The gist is, (for teens mind you) stay close, and get closer, just not so much physical yet. I won't say NO physical, just keep it age appropriate. I see no real harm in a kiss or two from tweens on. I see no major harm in checking to see that the parts are what they are at say 16/17 or so. I DO see harm in putting the parts together at that age. Trust me, I've seen it, and NOT among cousins. Moving too fast risks everything that could come later, in it's own sweet time. Keep the noses in the books, and get smart. Which, leads to getting independent. Once you have built the friendship, and have determined you are both on the same page with a relationship, (which CAN be discussed in the interim) and have gotten independent, go for it, and don't let ANYBODY talk you out of it.

If you are 20ish, (I personally have picked 22ish for the number) have a little education under your belt, and are either independent, or close to pulling the trigger on that, I recommend getting your own roof, where you make your own rules. I also will almost always recommend a two bedroom place, for a couple of (what I consider) good reasons. First, it keeps up appearances, for nosy family and friends. The actual sleeping arrangements are NOT up for public consumption. Next, it also gives each their "own space" where each can retreat to relax or just do nothing, and meditate or whatever. Of course, all of this is dependent on both parties being unattached and available.

For couples in that situation who are in their 30's and beyond, I usually get considerably more forceful, and remind them the old clock is a ticking, and they had best get on with it. Life really is damned short, and slips by in an seemingly exponentially increasing hurry as you get older. Family will either get over it, or get under it when the train leaves the station. They get their lives to live, not theirs AND yours. Sooner or later, they will pass, and, if they have ran your life, (probably into the ground, because they can't do any better with their lives than they can with yours) where does that leave you? Aging and bitter, because you let someone else talk you out of your happiness.

So, if and when this topic comes up again, you'll know when the timing is right. When she uses the old tried and true "If you weren't my cousin" line on you again, (and I've got good $$$ that says she will) you bring her here. Show her the facts. Then, bring her to the forum here, and show her the threads. Show her this thread, and our replies. Get in here, tell us your ages, and we'll tailor our advice a little more specifically to your situation. That's what this site is here for......

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Thanks for the response.

We are both still pretty young so I don't plan on trying anything until we're both adults. I think she's kinda shy and we don't see each other much, so I doubt the subject will come up again for a while. Maybe in 10 years or so when we're both adults the subject will come up again, but I just want to stay close with her until then.

Really glad I found this site. Until now I didn't know anything about cousin relationships. Nice to be able to talk to people about this and not be worried about being judged.

Thanks for the responses, been a big help.

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