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SunSeason

"Stuck in the Middle With You"

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Hello, all! I'm a Newbie. I didn't see an Introductions thread, so I'll just jump right on in...hope that's ok? I won't lie...I'm a bit nervous, so please don't flame me too bad? :D

Firstly, I want to start off by saying that I'm not sure we entirely fit in exactly here. I'm so happy this forum is available, and I have thoroughly enjoyed reading the stories and, in one thread, I even got the names of some books that I've already ordered off Amazon. I can't wait to get them and to dive into them! I'm also enjoying the poems and short stories board.

Our Story:

My first cousin and I are Soul Mates. We have no doubt about it and haven't since we were teenagers. I use that phrase with hesitations. Society, as a whole, has made the term "Soulmates" to be that of a romantic coupling and that's isn't always the case- hence my separation of the two words. My cousin and I are, in fact, platonic with an extremely strong bond that most would say (and I'd have to agree, if I were being entirely honest) is more than platonic. It's here where words fail me.  There is no way I could ever describe the bond that he and I have because it is not exactly romantic and we're not sexually active with one another. We both admit that if we'd faced our fears of our family's disapproval when we were younger, we would have been married and we would have lived out the rest of our lives incredibly happy and secure in our decisions.

However, the fact is that I am married to an absolutely incredible man and I, along with my cousin and my husband, value the sanctity of marriage incredibly highly. None of us believe in divorce and I wouldn't want to! My husband is one of the most amazing human beings I have ever met!! We are truly happy in our marriage. We have three incredible children together and they're growing in so many ways by leaps and bounds every day, it seems. I hit the Lotto Jackpot as far as husbands are concerned.

I have been totally up front with my husband since we began dating (18 years ago-- married for 16 years, now) about my feelings towards my cousin being incredibly strong and how we believe we're Soul Mates. Back then, he asked if I ever saw myself becoming romantic with my cousin. At the time, I was very much afraid of our family's disapproval and I was still thinking "inside the box," so I replied, "No." He nodded and told me that as long as no lines get crossed, he's happy that my cousin and I have the strong bond we do.

My cousin does live with our family and is helping to raise the kidlets, as well as he helps me take care of the house. He's lived with us for a little over three years, now. He's an integral part of our family unit. My husband and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

OH!! I know some of you are probably scratching your heads. I know I would be if I were reading this. Whenever you love someone very much, you become affectionate with them physically. We do have that within the parameters that my husband and I agreed on years ago when we became engaged and were "setting rules"- rare hand holding is permitted, hugs, kisses on the cheek, and the occasional "clean" snuggle while fully clothed. Please do not think for one moment that either my cousin nor I would ever cross these lines. They're set in stone and always have been. There are no blurred lines or grey areas as far as these are concerned.

Again, I'm not sure if we even really fit in here on the forums since we're not completely "a couple." Thanks, again, for having me and I'm grateful to the founders of the forum.

Namaste' and Blessings to all!

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It may be a little unusual to some people but you shouldn't be excluded because of that. Welcome! I have found this place to be a life saver several times.

I am curious, though... How is it that you guys never cross the line, physically? Sorry, I am just imagining myself in your situation and I know I wouldn't be able to control myself with my cousin, which is why I refuse to date anybody these days (unless it's him, of course), because it's just not fair to the other person.

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Hi! Thanks for the welcome! :)

He and I get a good bit of physical interaction, but not sexual interaction. We hug a lot and he'll rub my neck, back, or feet if I'm sore. I'll rub his feet after he's had a hard day on them all day every now and then. Anything sexual, though, would cross the lines that my husband and I agreed to and I wouldn't dare hurt him in any way. My cousin is such a phenomenal part of our household and my husband and he have a great friendship. It's different, but it works for us.

It may be a little unusual to some people but you shouldn't be excluded because of that. Welcome! I have found this place to be a life saver several times.

I am curious, though... How is it that you guys never cross the line, physically? Sorry, I am just imagining myself in your situation and I know I wouldn't be able to control myself with my cousin, which is why I refuse to date anybody these days (unless it's him, of course), because it's just not fair to the other person.

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well, yeah, it's a little weird LOL. not necessarily in a bad way, just in a way that the whole situation defies words. and yeah, i'm scratching my head. but it sounds as though you really do value the sanctity of marriage and wouldn't ever defile the marriage bed by having an affair, and i have the utmost respect for that. i'm glad all of you do, as well!

i would caution you to take extreme care never to let an 'emotional affair' occur though. emotional intimacy is as much of a betrayal as physical intimacy would be. perhaps even more so. i hope you are very careful not to ever talk to your cousin about your marriage without your husband being included in the conversation, and that you're also careful not to talk about anything to him that you can't share with your husband.

oh, and there's not an intro forum here... so welcome to cc :)

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I wasn't going to respond because you have received some good feedback. I like to play the devil's advocate, so don't get wound up. It's actually great to read some positive posts sometimes. Few newcomers have it together.

I think you are kidding yourself about your cousin. Does he have a significant other? I mean anything serious in the way of relationships? It's a dumb idea to live with a person to whom you have such a "bond" with. Actually, it's generally a dumb idea to have a 3rd party stay indefinitely. I'm assuming that he lives there.

Look, good people with the highest of morals can fall. I just think you are playing with fire. Don't fool yourself. Quit romanticising your cousin and give your husband 110 percent.

I hope I don't sound harsh but I fear for your marriage. Reciting high morals means nothing to me. I live in the real world.

Take care and good luck.

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I wasn't going to respond because you have received some good feedback. I like to play the devil's advocate, so don't get wound up. It's actually great to read some positive posts sometimes. Few newcomers have it together.

I think you are kidding yourself about your cousin. Does he have a significant other? I mean anything serious in the way of relationships? It's a dumb idea to live with a person to whom you have such a "bond" with. Actually, it's generally a dumb idea to have a 3rd party stay indefinitely. I'm assuming that he lives there.

Look, good people with the highest of morals can fall. I just think you are playing with fire. Don't fool yourself. Quit romanticising your cousin and give your husband 110 percent.

I hope I don't sound harsh but I fear for your marriage. Reciting high morals means nothing to me. I live in the real world.

Take care and good luck.

I love and appreciate how candid you are! You don't sound harsh at all. If I could bring my closest friends on here and have them give a character statement about myself, each of them would tell you that my cousin comes in second to my husband at all times. Everyone around us can see that plainly. I swear, I have my head screwed on the right way. :D

The cousin does, in fact, live with us. I'm not sure why you had it italicized, but he's in the house with us. He's 40 and working on his bachelor's degree in accounting at our local university and we're allowing him to live here rent free so that he can save all the money he can and help pay for his classes rather than have a ton of student loans. No, he is not seeing anyone although he did have a few dates over the past few years. He is also working full time, in addition to the classes.  (Aside: Congratulations on your own degree, btw!! :) )

His living here has allowed my husband and I to have date nights as often as we like, which is about once a week. It's been great being able to do that and we miss it when he's traveling. His plans are to finish up his degree (should graduate in December of this year) and use some of his savings as a down payment on his own home. 

Oh! And to address Lady C's reply: I don't discuss any marital issues with my cousin. If Hubs and I are having a disagreement and I need to call a friend to vent, I'll call one of my girl friends. I also do not tell him anything that I wouldn't share with my husband.

I'll be the first to tell you that we're not typical. It is weird, but it's normal to us. He's been a member of our household for 3 years, now. What will be strange for us is when he gets his own place and I'll have to do all the housework myself, again. *cries* :D

Again, I appreciate your candidness. It's the people that aren't candid that frighten me. :)

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SunSeason,

Thanks for the clarification. I haven't changed my mind but I hope it all works out for you. Thanks for remembering that I just graduated. I feel great about that.

I do have a few honorary degrees too. One from CousinCouples of the world, another from Budweiser, and lastly, one from Marriage Gone Bad. I'm just trying to say that marriages are hard work. It's not always puppy dogs and rainbows (as you know by now). Things can happen beyond your control and out of the blue (i.e. from the actions of your partner). I never want you to experience that kind of pain and consternation.

Next year, give us an update on everything please :)

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