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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest kale321

cousin love as teenagers

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so, my cousin and i didn't grow up together. we met when we were around 12 and started having family dinners every other weekend since then. our families were in a feud until his parents divorce which is when i learned i even had a cousin at all. the first time i thought about him romantically was when we were walking around town after dinner when we were 13, and i was wearing leggings without pockets so i asked him to put my phone in his pocket, but he thought i asked to hold hands while we crossed the road so we had an awkward little encounter of him trying to hold my hand that we never spoke about again. through middle school, i was constantly trying to make him date my best friend, but when it finally almost happened, i got super jealous and told them not to do it. i still didn't realize it was because i liked him. then, in 9th grade i got a boyfriend that i dated for 3 years. one day, in 10th grade, we had been smoking weed (please just accept this - i don't want advice about this) and my cousin had been with us earlier that night. while my boyfriend and i were having sex, i found myself screaming out "i wish i could fuck my cousin!" my boyfriend was shocked and pulled out. i told him i had no idea why i said that and he just accepted it. fast forward to last spring and that's when my cousin and i started hooking up, and then dating. of course, we were stoned the first time we kissed. we spent the next day talking about our feelings, and he felt messed up about it but i showed him this website. since then we've only grown closer but we have agreed to not being exclusive. he was seeing another girl last spring and is still taking her to prom this year although they are no longer dating, and i am also dating another boy who i like a lot (they know about eachother). my cousin graduates high school early and leaves on a 4 month vacation next month. the other boy i'm dating asked me to be his girlfriend two weeks ago, and i figured my relationship with my cousin will be over in a month anyway, so i said yes and tried to end things with my cousin. but i felt so horrible and noticed the disparities between the two relationships. so we went back to how things were, and i feel more in love with my cousin than ever before. so does he. lately we've even been talking about having sex. that's a big deal because i'm not on birth control (ofcourse we would use condoms though) and it would be his first time that he would never get to tell anyone about. also another thing that has made this relationship hard for him is that he had not told any of his friends, so he had no one to confide in. most of my best friends know and are supportive. some of them encourage me to end it, but only when i mention it. he's my best friend in the whole world, and while i've been in love before, that seems like puppy love in comparison. i love being around him. i just don't know what to do. should i break up with him in a month? or do long distance while he's away? as much as i love him, sometimes when i try to think logically i feel like we're holding eachother back. this whole thing is so scary.

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I'm very sorry but I can't read this - too difficult without proper sentences and paragraphs.

Nat

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you think sex is a recreational activity that should be enjoyed indiscriminately with whomever you want, and you worry that we'll lecture you on smoking pot?

yeah, for the sake of us old farts around here, please edit in a couple of paragraph breaks to your post. :)

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Well, maybe you should just break up. Long distance relationships aren't exactly easy.

Breaking up doesn't have to be the end though. You can always try to have a relationship when you're older, or you can just stay friends.

Maybe have a discussion about it, and see what you're cousin thinks. If it's real love, you two don't have to give up on it.

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And now worst1441, you will see why I've stayed around here, and why I replied the way I did to you in your other thread.

kale321,

Like the others, your post without proper punctuation is tedious. As another of the "old farts" around here, I get where they're coming from. But, increasingly, I deal with people in the real world who actually talk and text that way, so, it isn't beyond my ability to comprehend. It still makes my a$$ want to work buttonholes though. And, it goes directly to my advice to young members. Lucky you, you get the old broken record speech to young members. Ready? Here goes. (pre-ps. As I write this, I realize it's gonna get windy.....LOL)

1) Get your head out of the pipe, and your nose in the books. It sounds like your cousin has that part of it down already. Now, it's your turn. Get smart. If you're struggling, have him help you. Get your grades up, and get some education under your belt. It doesn't HAVE to be a PhD. Get some sort of technical/medical/vocational certificate. Learn a trade or skill that is in demand. Will it be easy? No. Will it be worth it in the long run. Of course. Voice of experience here. You don't state specific ages, but I can do the rough math, and get close enough. When I was your age, and for several years after that, I was smoking an oz a week. By my self. Me and three buds got a 1/4# A WEEK, just for us. I'm not only an old fart, I'm an old fart that's done more than you, for longer than you've been alive, and I've not done but the occasional sociable hit in probably longer than you've been alive. But, as I said, when I was your age, until probably 15 to 20 years older than you, it was wide open. I get compliments on how good my advice is. I'm flattered, but it didn't come from a vacuum. It's not that I'm so terrific at telling what to do, it's that I'm just pretty damn good at what NOT to do. Don't be me.

2) Your cousin. I met my cousin for the first time formally when we were a couple years younger than when you two did at 12. I'm going to say we were 9/10ish. We had met when we were too young to all but vaguely remember each other, but when we were older, we met, and our Mom's had us tell each other our birthdays. We figured out that we were one week to the day apart, me being one week older. From that day on, until this, we were/are "favorite"cousins. By the time we were the age you two were when you met, they lived across the street from us. We met. I actually had the "kid crush" on her older sister, but, that's neither here nor there. We all played, and had a big ole' time. We were actually more like siblings, we were that close. We still call each other brothers and sisters. Anywho, through a series of events when we were 20, we hooked up, and ran hard for a couple weeks. And yes, we were partying like rock stars, like you and yours, and probably then some. We were stoned the first time we kissed. As in, in the process, stoned shotgun kissing. Probably TMI for some here, but, meh, I figure, instructional for you. Believe me, I'm no angel, and I'm not going to sugar coat anything I tell you. One thing led RAPIDLY to much more, and in very short order, it was very intense. TOO INTENSE it would seem. One regret we share is that it was such a blur, we know we enjoyed it, but we wish we had remembered more of it.  :shocked: We talked a little about our feelings too, and that's when we (at least she) was sober enough to get nervous. She didn't want anyone to know. Her Mom knew, and my Mom had a pretty good idea, and they were cool with it. It was the taboo, and our friends that she was worried about. Sound like someone you know? We walked away from it, and let the whole affair be awkward for DECADES. Again, don't be me/us. You're old enough, or, at least have history enough, that you may as well have what we call "The Talk." You've talked about feelings before, but, you may as well go full bore into them. It sounds to me like the mutual non-exclusive agreement is avoiding the elephant in the room. Air it out. Four months? A cake walk. You can do four months standing on your head. If he's scared, it's probably time he should "cowboy up" a little. I don't know if you're both of age, but, if I'm doing the math right, you're probably close. For the time being, follow his lead a little, and keep in on the down low, esp. with family. Find a compromise you both can get on the same page with. You don't mention either of you being out on your own, and independent. Until you get to that point, you really don't need the potential drama that MAY (or may not, who knows) come your way. Which brings me to...

3) Get independent. Your roof, your rules. Provided it's legal where you are, once you have flown the coop, you two are free to pursue, and engage in, a full on relationship. I had a peek, and if my look-up is correct, in your State, it's perfectly legal. You don't mention which State, I shan't either. But, once you've got an education that leads you to gainful employment, you make your bed, and you lay in it. For better or for worse, it's all what you make of it. The more sober you are, the more you're able to make of it. Pro-tip from Uncle Hawk. I almost always advise a two bedroom place if you were to move in together, for appearances, AND personal space. I suppose it would depend on how committed you are if that becomes a reality. So long as the two of you can get it together, I see no good reason it can't be a reality....

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Hi, Kale321 here again... Sorry for the lack of capitalization - I was on my phone and got lazy. Now I also realize there are parts of my story that I should clarify. I first edited my story and then responded to the advice people have posted. As well, I tried to create an account but I have not received the verification e-mail which is why I am posting as a guest.

First off, we're both college-bound high school seniors. I'm 17 but the age of consent where we live is 16, so that's not really a problem...

So, my cousin and I didn't grow up together. We met when we were around 12 and started having family dinners every other weekend since then. Our families were in a feud until his parents divorce which is when I learned I even had a cousin at all.

The first time i thought about him romantically was when we were walking around town after dinner at age 13. I was wearing leggings without pockets so i asked him to put my phone in his pocket, but he thought i asked to hold hands while we crossed the road so he tried to hold my hand. We never spoke about it again.

Through middle school, I was constantly trying to make him date my best friend, but when it finally almost happened, I got super jealous and told them not to do it. At that point, I still didn't realize it was because i liked him.

Then, in 9th grade I got a boyfriend that I dated for 3 years. One day, in 10th grade, we had been smoking weed (please just accept this - i don't want advice about this) and my cousin had been with us earlier that night. While my boyfriend and I were having sex, I found myself screaming out "i wish i could :bleep: my cousin!" my boyfriend was shocked and pulled out. I told him i had no idea why i said that and he just accepted it.

Fast forward to last spring and that's when my cousin and I started hooking up, and then dating. It's been almost 10 months now. Of course, we were stoned the first time we kissed. We spent the next day talking about our feelings, and he felt messed up about it but i showed him this website. Since then we've only grown closer but we have agreed to not being exclusive. He was interested in another girl in September and is still taking her to prom later this year although they are no longer dating, and I am also dating another boy who i like a lot (they know about eachother).

My cousin graduates high school early and leaves on a 2 month vacation in mid-February. The other boy i'm dating asked me to be his girlfriend two weeks ago, and i figured my relationship with my cousin will be over in a month anyway, so i said yes and tried to end things with my cousin. But i felt so horrible and noticed the disparities between the connections I have within the two relationships. So I went back to keeping things more casual with the other guy, and my cousin and I went back to how things were.

I feel more in love with my cousin than ever before. So does he. Lately we've even been talking about having sex. That's a big deal because it would be his first time, and he would never get to tell anyone about it because cousin relationships are so taboo. When I tried to break up with him, though, what made it really hard was how much I felt like I was ripping his soul in half. He was completely hysterical for our 5-day break. I can't see how this relationship can come to a peaceful end without him becoming seriously depressed, which freaks me out.

Another thing that has made this relationship hard for him is that he had not told any of his friends, so he had no one to confide in. Most of my best friends know and are supportive. Some of them encourage me to end it, but only when i mention it. He's my best friend in the whole world. While i've been in love before, my past experiences now seem like puppy love in comparison. I love being around him. Do you think there's a reason why cousin relationships are so much more intense? I guess because there's so much more on the line...

I just don't know what to do. Should i break up with him in a month? Do long distance while he's away? As much as i love him, sometimes when i try to think logically i feel like we're holding eachother back. This whole thing is so scary.

LadyC -- I never said I enjoy sex with whomever I want... but I do enjoy sex with people I care about. I don't see anything wrong with that, and I am not here for you to slut-shame me. I want guidance, not sexual oppression.

worst1441 -- Thanks. That is really solid advice. You're probably right.

Hawk -- !! I am really appreciative of all of your advice.

Addressing your #1, I guess I totally made myself seem like a slacker-stoner high-school drop-out. That's not the case at all. I smoke weed only casually every 2-3 weeks with friends. I have never even seen a whole oz. at once. I'm practically a straight-A student and I hope to get a masters in physics eventually. With the situations I mention, though, I guess those things just were easier to let happen when I wasn't totally sober. I also don't drink.

#2 - Most of the time, when I see my cousin, we are sober. We have probably gotten high together a grand total of 15 times at the most. But I completely share that feeling with you that the relationship is too intense, which is what freaks me out. I feel like it ending would be the end of the world. It's cool that your moms were okay with you. Our moms practically hate each other. I think it would rip my family apart if anyone ever found out, because an older cousin sexually abused a toddler within our extended family, which makes cousin relationships that much more taboo in our family. Wait, so what terms are you on with your cousin now, after all the awkward decades? I don't really see this being a life-long commitment... I don't really see myself getting married til my mid-thirties, and I still barely know myself yet.

I am pretty happy with the agreement we have now, but he constantly questions why I still date the other guy. I guess the main reason is because it feels so good not having to hide for once, even though I don't like him nearly as much as my cousin. Going on dates in public and hanging out with his friends in the "girlfriend" role gives me some sense of normalcy, I guess. If it were up to my cousin, I think he would have us be exclusive and drive out to faraway towns to go on dates... that seems like so much, especially when we're about to fly the coop forever.

#3 - Both of us are about to go to college and live in dorms. Neither of us have decided where we will attend yet, but most likely we will not be close together. I know college will be completely transformative, and I'm afraid that going into it with a secret life will really hold both of us back. Then again, I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know.

Also, I really really REALLY don't have a drug problem.

Thank you for reading, if you made it this far!

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first of all your lack of capitalization is not a problem, so long as you use punctuation. nobody here gripes about caps unless it's all caps.

second, you were worried that we would criticize you for having smoked pot, something that is legal in some states and is increasingly supported by the masses. it might not be the smartest thing in the world, but there are worse things.

like sex for sport.

now before you get your panties in a knot again thinking i'm slut shaming you, i'm not. so get over it. you want advice, i'm giving it to you. sex with someone you "care" about with no permanent commitment is going to get you nothing but a world of heartache. well, maybe not nothing. it could also get you a baby or a disease or some other lifelong appendage, but assuming you get lucky in those areas, you will NOT ESCAPE the emotional scarring.

you can blow that off as old fogie crap if you want, but when you're an old fart, you'll look back on your life and wish you had listened. we old farts don't just blow smoke out our arses, we've learned the hard way, through experience. you are playing with fire, and you absolutely will get burned.

you're still in high school. sleeping around, even with one or two or three guys that you really care about, is BS. because seriously, you're going to care about a LOT OF GUYS between now and the time you get married to one of them, and so yeah, you are sleeping around indiscriminately with whomever you want. what you want is someone you care about. that's a subjective term, and that type of caring is fleeting.

but oh my gosh, you're all of what? 17? you are all grown up and know everything... you're wise beyond your oh, so mature years, and i'm just an idiot, so carry on. you don't really want advice. you want someone to tickle your ears. so go do whatever.

i'm in no mood to be bothered with silly teenage stupidity this morning anyway.

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and clean up your language. if you can't find a suitable word that the censor here won't bleep out, then you need to pay more attention in your english class.

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kale3211,

Not that I need to take up for LadyC, nor is it my intent to do so, BUT, she does know of what she speaks. During the time period I was talking about, while I pursued older women as a rule, there were no lack of young girls your age around. (She's a bit younger than me, and had she been in this area, she would have been considered one of them. A target.)  Back then, it was called a "one night stand", but, for lack of dropping the F bomb, we also had "sex buddies". I'm not sure exactly how her shenanigans to that effect went, but she's revealed enough about her wilder days here that I've got the picture pretty well. My buddies and I wreaked a lot of carnage on girls like you and her. These girls weren't dummies either. They knew exactly what they were doing, and what they were after. The problems came when they bit off more than they bargained for. They cared for us to an extent too. Just more than we did for them. Casual sex does have consequences. Luckily, I never ended up with any of the particular ones of which she mentioned. You are new here, and I'll assure you, she can, and has, gotten much more "stern" in her replies. She's tough because she's lived it, and probably like me, is lucky to have lived through it. You're probably wise in deciding to keep it more casual with the other guy. You would be well advised to do so with any of the guys you see from here on, until you and your cousin are older, and see if the bond is still as tight as it is now.

You had questions. As far as the pot, while you've never seen an oz in one setting, I've seen black plastic garbage bags full. In my trunk. With a flaming car in the median on the way home with it. Cops EVERYWHERE. The pucker factor was high, but we slowed down as good motorists do, and cruised right on through. Cain't be skeered. Well, wasn't then, but have no desire to do such again. Anyhow, we've established you are nowhere near the meathead I was.

Now, as for how it is with Cuz. I'm not with her, and never will be. We had our chance, and didn't take it. After decades of awkward, and avoiding each other, we reconnected, and very much enjoy each others' company. But now, the way we both work these days, we don't see each other very often. Right now, she's on a gig in the Caribbean, and won't be back till (IIRC) April sometime. She's very seriously considering taking a permanent job there. If she does, we'll REALLY see less of each other. But, we're fine with that. We're still each others' favorite cousin. Always will be. We love each other very much. We always tell each other that, as a matter of course. As far as the awkward part, and avoiding each other, it's "complicated". I didn't stay in contact, because I didn't want to seem pushy. She went back to her BF, they married, had kids, and, eventually divorced. I continued to run amok, married and divorced 3 times. She didn't stay in contact, because she married, had her kids, and as best as I can tell, didn't want the temptation, and the trianwreck in both of our lives it would have risked. Plus, even in our 50s, she doesn't care to hear any guff about "kissing cousins" and such. She has a long term BF, but, I would imagine, if she takes this job permanently, that will go away. She's been with this guy for ~16 yrs or so now. When we got back in contact, I was married to wife #3, and had been with her almost 21 yrs by the time it went south. So, with neither of us having the stomach for cheating, we went back to "best cousins". We aired it all out, and are fine with where we are. At our age, the less drama, the better, LOL.

As far as the Moms. I forgot to mention, we're actually 2nd cousins. Our Grandpas on our mothers sides were brothers, and best of friends. My Mom is an only child, and her Mom may as well have been. (She had a much older half-brother) When they were kids though, they were like sisters. Still are to a large extent. They drive each other absolutely crazy sometimes. While they don't hate each other to any degree, they do go stretches without speaking much. One or the other will get all butt-hurt over something the other said, and there you go. Yours may not like each other at all, but, they'll get over it. Or, they'll get under it. You've got time to consider those ramifications later. If he's graduated early, I'll assume he's pretty brainy. If you're going for a masters in physics, needless to say, you must be too. Trust me, when you two have advanced degrees, if you decide to be an item, it's going to be pretty tough to call y'all uneducated rednecks, as the stereotype goes. It won't stick. And at least where you are now, it's legal. Just don't both of you go to Uni in Wisconsin or Texas together. However, if your feelings are as strong for each other as they are, you might want to consider at least trying to go to the same Uni. If you did, who's bi'ness is it anyhow that you're cousins? You could be a couple. And on that note....

I have a question for you. Why do you not see it as a potential life partnership? The stigma? The drama? He won't be an older cousin molesting a child. You will soon be adults. By the time you're out of school, you'll be well educated adults. Even as young as you are, something is telling you "him". I think you could be giving up on a potential life mate before you're in a position to know for sure. By the time you're in your 30's, and considering marriage, what if these feelings are only that much stronger? If you read through this forum, you'll find stories like that. Folks in their 30's, who have always felt that way about each other, and are either married to others and risking a trainwreck, or, STILL wanting each other, and not having the nerve even then to go for it. If you come back here in your 30's, and one or both of you is married, or with a serious SO, and thinking of fooling around, THEN you'll see LadyC's dander, as well as Nat, Roma, and pretty much everyone else. Now is the time to start laying the groundwork for something special in the future.

I think you should focus on two things at this point. The schoolwork, and building the friendship. There is no harm in dating others casually, especially if you aren't going to be in close proximity for a while. But, keep in touch. Stay close. See what the future holds. If you both get through school, and are still as close as ever, get independent, and go for it. You have the potential for a life long relationship, if you don't talk yourselves out of it first...... 

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