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Kris

We are madly in love, but he broke it off a 2nd time in 5 years :(

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Mine just broke it off Jan 13, we have been on and off twice in the last 5 years. I was living in a different city an hour away, and moved back to our hometown to live with each other. Our family knows about us, and we have never really had an issue with our family. In fact they can't see us without each other now. We've hidden our relationship from friends for along time. Recently he changed, the last month I'd say, right before Christmas. There was a major fight, he had been drinking, and I ended up being his target that night. He told me to get my stuff and get out idk how many times. We were OK a couple days after that. After New years, he started drinking again and again there was another huge fight. He all of a sudden stopped touching me, looking at me, talking to me, everything. I was in freaking out BAD. I finally snapped, then he did and told me he loves me so much he'd marry me, but he just can't do this anymore. He went from one to the other in a matter of days. We are so in love with each other and always have been since we got reconnected 5 years ago. He was scared the first time and left, married the girl he had put so much time into, and they ended up getting divorced. He sought me out again and rest is leading up to now. I don't know what to do either, other then respect whatever this is. I moved out the next day and he or his mom had no idea. I've been out for a week, no communication, nothing. Then once I decided to go back to the house he said he missed me, didn't mean to hurt me, and the rest... well ya. Next day I went back over and he said we just can't do this anymore. I'm shocked with this whole thing. Before moving here with him, we made it clear on all accept of our situation, and he broke his promise to me. Now I'm in this city that I haven't been living in for a very long time now, and the only ones I have here is our family and him. I've got a great job, but I dread getting off work cause this City was his life, not mine anymore. I have no friends here other then the people he knew, we all became friends. Now I don't know how to face them. He said he misses his friends, he kept himself away. I'm so lost with out him, further more, stuck in a city that I refused I would ever move back too with a great job. I went over to the house last night, we were able to cut up watching tv, but didn't sit by each other, we can't even look at each other. We slept in different rooms, but we hugged and he said he misses me. Did the same thing this morning. He is so confused. I told him that this will happen again, it's already happened 2 times and very serious. What is crazy for myself personally, is that through out this time he wasn't talking to me, I had been confronted by someone about our relationship, they said you guys aren't good at hiding this... I confessed and it felt amazing! Then I found out that his grandpa, and others, I even opened it up to my supervisor and a coworker at work for the first time in 5 years, and it was amazing. I found out that our situation is more common then him and I ever knew. I confronted him about this revalation, but he still, I don't know it he can ever do it with his closest friends. This is like a Romeo and Juliet story in real life! I know we are always going to be in love with each other no matter what. This time instead of me being an hour away, I'm 20 min away were ever I go here, and it hurts bad. 

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Kris,

If he's belligerent when he's drunk, run, don't walk. I didn't. I was married to a good woman, who was not my cousin. (long story) We were married just short of 14 years, and together just short of 21 years. Sober, she was as good a woman as a man could ask for. Drunk, she is every man's worst nightmare. She said she would change, and even tried to quit drinking a couple times. During those times, it was pretty good times. But, slowly, over time, the pattern would re-emerge. I guess I just got so old I had outgrown the illusion of it ever going to be different, and what it should be. I got to the point I knew it was going to end. It was going to end amicably, badly, or tragically. I was hoping for amicably, refused tragically, and settled for badly. If this is a pattern of his, do not wait 20 years on it to change. It most likely will not. You are asking for an emotional roller coaster ride from hell. Walk away as amicably as possible, and find new friends. There IS someone out there for you, even if neither of you are looking. That's how it happened with me. I knew me and Cuz would never be together, and I wasn't really looking anyhow. However, acquaintances of mine insisted I meet the current GF. I wasn't looking, and she wasn't looking to get serious. But, once we met, and spent a little time together, things clicked. In over a year together, we've never raised our voices at each other, or had any sort of real argument to speak of. We fuss over who's turn it is to either buy or cook supper, and that's about it. (BTW, she's cooking tonight....LOL)  :wink:

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Thank you for responding back. He drinks, Heck I do to, but not heavy. Recently in the last month was when he started getting aggressive towards me for some reason, telling me to get out a few times. Then after this last argument, he just told me he couldn't do our relationship anymore. He never confronted me why, he just said IDK, this feels so right I'd marry you, but it feels wrong at the same time. He still hasn't told me. I moved out 1/14, he told me that I never had to move out, he didn't want me to go, and why we couldn't live in the same house and have fun like always, just not sleep together. Now I'm in a temp place, longing to go back home with him. I've seen him 4 times in the last 2 weeks. He is trying to cope in his own way with all this, hiding everything deep down, acting like he's happy, nothing is wrong, but I know him better then that. We both are having trouble talking, just little chat her and there. Why would it seem so easy for him to get passed this then me? He's barley text me in the last 2 weeks. A month ago we talked every single day, joked, happy, then all of a sudden all this happens. I know he's avoiding all this. What are your thoughts? Do you think it's his drinking increased? If so, then why? Or do you think he has been having an emotional roller coaster with our relationship? I'm still in shock how we can go from absolutely being in love with each other, then it just......stops like that. We barley ever get into fights, but when we do everything comes out, hurts, but we see passed it after a couple days just like everyone else.

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Kris,

Oh, I drink too. Heavily on occasion. But, I don't get belligerent. Well, on the rare occasion when someone pulls my chain, I can go there. I REALLY don't like to though, because no good ever comes of it. I have a few drinks to relax, and I like to do it peaceably, even though it is usually in a loud social setting. I don't drink as a crutch. I suspect your cousin is using it as a crutch, to assuage some guilt. It may be guilt over the whole taboo nature of your relationship. It may be guilt over not having the guts to go public to friends. It may be a complex combination of both, and other things going on in his head.

I think you should continue to keep the contact to a minimum. Let him consider where he wants to go with his life. Perhaps at some point, his friends will take second place to his happiness, as should be the case. If you read the stories here of drama out of family, you will realize friends are a cake walk in comparison. Since family is not such an issue in your case, he is really missing out on an opportunity to be happy. If that is his chosen course, you have no obligation to share in his unhappiness. You tried.

Perhaps he will see this, perhaps not. He had best hope he has this epiphany before it's too late though, and you have moved on. And it does behoove you to move on, since you see no reliable signs of his willingness to stand up for you. It sounds to me like he wants his cake, and eat it too. You need to "Nope" right on out of that..... 

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Kris,

    Listen to Hawk - he KNOWS how things are.

    I usually recommend a book:  NASTY PEOPLE:  HOW TO STOP BEING HURT BY THEM WITHOUT STOOPING TO THEIR LEVEL by Dr. Jay Carter.  It teaches you how to recognize when and how people are trying to control you. 

    Whatever his problems are, you can't fix them.  The more you try, the more he will control.

  I found that book and started to change myself - the first result was my then husband walked out on me.  Left me with no job, no car and no money.  What you'd call a blessing in heavy disguise.  LOL  I have a wonderful, happy life now and don't miss him one bit!

  Dr. Carter says when you change.  the NPs in your life do one of two things:  they change or they leave.  Either result is positive.

  Send me a pm if you have any questions.  We are here to support and encourage you.

  HUGS

  Nat

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