• Announcements

    • KC

      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

      Be informed on better ways to stay safe on the web -- Source: Mozilla
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
lynn67

Husband's first cousin

This topic has had no activity within the past six months. It is recommended that you start a new topic instead of replying to old topics.

20 posts in this topic

I just found this site, and I'm hoping to get some advice.  My husband died in February 2014.  We were married for 27 years.  I found out last summer that his first cousin on his dad's side has had feelings for me for many years.  He never said anything to me while my husband and I were married.  He kept them to himself.  My husband and his cousin were very close like brothers.  My husband had even told me years ago that R had a thing for me, but I didn't believe him and thought he was just saying that to make me feel good.  When my younger daughter and I went to visit him last summer like we always do (only this time without my husband), R confessed his feelings for me and asked for a chance to be the new love in my life.  I have to admit there were times when we visited that I would imagine what it would be like to be with him.  I told him we would take it slow and see how things go.  Things have been going very well.  It's a long distance relationship, but we talk on a daily basis, and he comes to visit when he can and my younger daughter and I will be going to visit again this summer.  The issue I'm having is that my older daughter (22) has major problems with this relationship.  She is in full disgust and has refused to go out there when we go, and has told me that if I continue the relationship, she will never visit us and when she gets married and has kids, I'll never see them.  I've tried to tell her that there is nothing wrong with this relationship.  He is not even my blood relative.  She says he's hers and it wrong on ALL levels.  I've tried to tell her what my mother-in-law has said what it says in the bible.  She will not hear it.  We have not yet told the family.  We are waiting until this summer and what's funny is my mother-in-law has told me that she would love to see R and me fall in love and get married so that she can keep me in the family.  I retire from my position in March 2017 and the plan is that my younger daughter and I will move to where he lives and we will be married.  I am very secure in this relationship and have fallen in love with this man.  I've told my daughter that this is my life and she has no control over it, just as I have no control over hers.  I told her she can either accept it or not.  My younger daughter is 11, and she seems okay with it.  I honestly think my husband would be totally okay with this because he would know that his wife and kids were being well taken care of.  My daughter disagrees, but she doesn't know her dad the way I did.  How do I convince her that this relationship is NOT wrong?

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

your daughter is using an age old tactic to manipulate you. it's called emotional blackmail. if she is half the woman you raised her to be, she'll get over it once she realizes that she can't control you. you deserve to be happy. and she deserves to be reminded that you don't interfere in her love life even when you disapprove, and that you demand the same respect. turn the tables on her. YOU be the strong one. as long as she thinks you are the one with the weakest will, she's going to hold this over you.

is there a risk that she may make good on her threat? there is always a risk. but it's a much smaller one than the risk of never again finding someone you really love to grow old with.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tell your controlling daughter: I'm sorry you feel the way you do.  Good bye and good luck. 

She is, as ladyC said, trying to manipulate you - don't let her.

I suggest you get a book:  NASTY PEOPLE:  HOW TO STOP BEING HURT BY THEM WITHOUT STOOPING TO THEIR LEVEL by Dr. Jay Carter.  You and your love should read it together.

Do please, keep us informed.  I hope you have a wonderful life together.

HUGS

Nat

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you!  I told her if that's her choice then so be it... I told her it's my life and I'll do as I please.  She was okay with this in the beginning telling me I should go for it, and then she started talking to all of her friends about this, which is absolutely none of their business and they have all completely turned her against it saying how disgusting it is... I don't care.  I love this man and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him.  I thought I would be alone the rest of my life and I feel that God has brought us together.  I endured a lot from my husband.  He was not always faithful and for 27 years I fought for my marriage and I NEVER cheated on him nor gave up on the marriage. R knows everything that my husband did and knew the pain I was in and knew how much I loved my husband, but yet, he kept his feelings to himself.  He was also cheated on by his spouse and I feel like we are together for a reason, and if my daughter can't be happy for me then so be it.  She tries very hard to manipulate me, just like her father always did. She's exactly like he was, but it's not going to work on me... not from her.  Thank you again for your advice!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

lynn67,

I'm going to go with the ladies here. Be happy. This man had feelings for you for lo these many years, and was a complete gentleman, and NEVER brought it up? More less even acted like he was going to act on them? Yeah, I'm going to say he's a keeper.

Your MIL seems to be a well read and well informed woman. You didn't mention her specific words of what the Bible says, but, she obviously has a grasp of the Word. Did she relate how, in those times, your husbands' brother would have been expected to step up and take care of you? And how, (I would assume, by other stories of cousin couples God commanded to marry) short of a brother to do so, a cousin would most likely be the next logical choice? Your daughter is full of beans, and obviously too easily influenced by her peers. Their foolishness is diametrically opposed to your happiness.

I'm seeing a very good woman, (unrelated) who, like you, lost her husband a couple years back. I went to school with him, although we weren't really all that close. They had a 20 year marriage, which was quite different than my marriage, and yours. At his passing, she was devastated. Like you, she expected to be alone, for at least some goodly amount of time. When it was near the end, they discussed the matter, and he told her "It's fine you feel that way, just don't wait too long." As I say, he was a good man, and they had a good marriage. He had been gone for about a year, and she was ready to get out of the house, and at least date a little. Friends insisted we meet. I wanted the ink to at least dry on my divorce papers, and was in no sort of rush either. These friends were very insistent and persistent, so we met. The rest is history in the making. It's been about a year and a half, and we've not raised our voices to each other, or even had any sort of argument. Culture shock for me, but I'ma likin' it. I plan on being happy for the rest of my life with this woman, and see no issue that would be big enough to stop that. If that's where you are with R, I suggest you go for it, and let the chips fall where they may........

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My MIL did quote the bible to me about how it was the widow's brother who was expected to step in and take care of her.  I'm finding that R and I have a lot more in common than my husband and I did.  We don't fight, we communicate with each other, which neither of us ever really had with our spouses and we vowed to always communicate and talk.  We like to do a lot of the same things.  We talk on a daily basis and now can't sleep at night unless we hear each others voices.  I loved my husband very much and I always will, but this relationship with R is the kind of relationship I've always wanted.  I asked R why he never said anything to me prior to last summer and he told he knew how much I loved my husband and that he was not a home wrecker.  For that, I love him even more.  He was right to wait.  Even though my husband was not a good one in the later years, I know he would be okay with R and I getting together.  They loved each other like brothers and when he was in the hospital, he told R to look out for us (me, and my two daughters).  R was here the week my husband died and I would not have made it through that week without him.  My husband's parents could not deal with his death, so I would have been left to do everything on my own if R had not been here.  He was so sweet and helped me with everything.  My daughter is claiming that R rushed in and didn't give me time to grieve and get over my husband's death.  Well, she doesn't realize I was already grieving long before he passed away.  Life does and has to go on.  I'm not going to just shut down and wallow.  As much as I hate to say it, his parents are doing enough of that for the entire family.  I'm so glad I found this site.  I've been able to open up and talk about this.  I most certainly can't talk about this with my daughter.  I think my MIL will be very happy when we do tell everyone this summer.  R felt like we should wait a year before telling everyone, so when I visit him this summer, we will tell his side of the family, and when I return, I'll tell my in-laws.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

your daughter should hope she someday finds a man with as much integrity as this guy. don't let him get away!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

can i ask what happened to your husband? i ask because i remember my mom saying much the same thing... she'd had a good marriage, but when he died, it was almost a relief. he'd been in such poor health for a long time, and had lost all desire to live. so mom said she'd been grieving him for more than a year before he actually died.

this is really off topic here, what i'm about to say, but i can't help thinking about it. my aunts, what few of them remain, are all very old, so i've gotten to know some of the residents in a couple of local assisted living and nursing homes. something seems very common in these places... little old men and women meet and become inseparable, even falling in love... and the children object for whatever reason, and move their parent to another home. i know of one couple like this, and the man somehow always finds a way to get ahold of a phone and call his lady and tell her where he is. she's moved to be with him several times, and his children get mad and move him again.

another little lady at another home is in the same situation. they were such a cute couple. they'd sit in the tv room together holding hands, sometimes she'd lay her head on his shoulder. they'd walk together, eat together, they really were happy. and just like the other couple in the other place, the man's children didn't like it and moved him. we asked her one day where her boyfriend was, and with tears in her eyes she said "i don't know, they just took him away from me".

those people are in a place in their lives where they have no control anymore. YOU still have a choice. don't let your daughter steal your joy.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My husband was diagnosed years ago with non-alcoholic cirrhosis and was functioning okay until about 2 years ago, his health slowly began to decline.  In August of 2013 he was involved in a near fatal car crash that lacerated his spleen and his liver.  He wasn't bleeding severely, but they could not do surgery on him due to the condition that his liver was in.  He never fully recovered from that accident and a little over 6 months later he passed away.  His liver finally gave out, and he developed sepsis and died.  He was in the hospital at the time.  He kept retaining fluid and his ammonia levels kept going up, so he had to be admitted.  He stayed in the hospital for a week.  They kept draining fluid from his abdomen, and the last time they drew it, there was infection which indicated his liver had completely shut down. He had been placed on the liver transplant list and we were scheduled to go for a 2-1/2 day evaluation, but he died two weeks prior to the appointment.  During the time he was seeing his "friends," I would be at home alone with our girls and would hardly see him, so long before his health started deteriorating, I was grieving him because he was never around and when he was, it was like he wasn't there.  He would be in his room and would not spend time with me and the girls.  The way my daughter talks, it's as if it was okay for him to do the things he did, but not okay for me to have this relationship.  The thing is, this relationship started after her father passed away.  I was never unfaithful to my husband.  If I had know about R's feelings before now, I could have been unfaithful, but I'm so thankful for the way this has developed.  No guilt, no shame and no regrets. My daughter asked me if the situation was reversed would I mind if he did that with one of my cousins that I was really close to.  I told her it would absolutely be fine with me because at least I know who he's with and I would know that he and my girls would be taken care of.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

well you deserve every ounce of happiness you can get out of life. i'm sorry you had to relive all the pain here, but thank you for sharing...

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for letting me share.  I actually feel better knowing that what I'm doing is not wrong.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

lynn67,

Although it is somewhat nontraditional these days, it would not have raised an eyebrow, I would guess, as recently as the turn of the last century. So, no, even if it were YOUR cousin, and not your late husband's, it wouldn't be wrong, and we would support you just the same.

We know considerable history on my and Cuz's mothers' side of the family. Going WAY back, as to either pre-Revolution or right in that time frame. Our common Great-grandmother's mother had a husband who was killed by the brother of a man he killed in a raucous fight over a card game. It was quite the news event of the day, IIRC, in the mid to late 1870's. Real crazy story. They had the funerals at the same funeral home, at the same time, and the widows walked out together, blaming the whole affair on "demon liquor". LOL  At any rate, afterwards, she married one of her husband's brothers. I would have to go back and see which brother was actually the father of our Great-grandma. Nobody even batted an eyelid so far as we know. Back in those days, everyone knew every word of the Bible, and, though such wasn't necessarily the norm, it was certainly not looked at as "against the will of God". 

I have a sneaking suspicion that when all of this comes out, at some point, your MIL will set your daughter down for a little "heart to heart", and tell her to knock off the crap. Grandma's usually have a way with things like that...

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Amen!  I told my daughter that when this comes out she needs to go see her grandma.  I've already decided that I'm going to have my MIL chat with both of my daughters to clarify that what I'm doing is okay, and she'll be quoting scripture to them.  The younger one seems okay with it, but I feel grandma will be able to explain it a lot better to the both of them better than I could.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi, Lynn, and welcome to the site.  I'm very sorry to hear that you lost your husband that way.  :cry:

Thanks for sharing about your daughter's concerns.  As has already been said, she just needs to get over it.  I mean, what if instead of your late husband's cousin he were his brother?  There would still be absolutely ZERO problem with you being in a relationship with him, marrying him, and even having children if enabled and you felt so inclined.  Biblically, legally, ethically, morally - no problem.  I don't even thing the Roman Catholic Church would require a dispensation for it.  Indeed, there's actually historical precedent for it!

Okay, so as LadyC pointed out, she's got her own issues to get over and she's using emotional blackmail (I like that term - LadyC should TM it!) to force you to live your life by her wishes.  It's human nature I suppose. 

Of course, this coming from me, the one who tells his own kids that I'm bringing back Arranged Marriage  :grin:

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

it's ok for parents to arrange their kids marriages, we're smarter than them! ;)

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe I should tell her I'm going to find her husband for her, since I'm not allowed to date whom I choose, why should she?    :wink:

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Update:  Both of my daughters and I had a good, emotional talk this past weekend about their dad and after what I told them, they both seem to be more okay with my relationship with R.  My older daughter wanted to call R and talk to him and find out what his intentions are (acting like a concerned parent or just being really nosy).  I told R that she wanted to call him and talk to him and he said he would talk to her if it would make her feel better and he said he would also tell her what my husband asked him to do just before he died.  He told R to please look after me and our girls and he promised he would, and that's exactly what he intends to do.  I finally told my daughter this, and she said "well, that changes everything then."  She told me I should have told her this in the beginning, and I told her that she should have trusted what I was telling her all along. For months I'd been telling her that I know for a fact that her dad would be okay with this relationship and now I think she finally believes me. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Awesome !! Sometimes people need to hear things said in a different way to understand. Would love to hear updates on your progress.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i'm glad things are working out this way!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your content will need to be approved by a moderator

Guest
You are commenting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   You have pasted content with formatting.   Remove formatting

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0