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happymiss3

not telling the family and just picking up and moving to a different state

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So my boyfriend(cousin) and i have been together for 2 years and have managed to keep it a secret knowing neither sides would be supporting.... our plan is to keep hiding it from every one (which is hard at times but if all goes to plan will be 1000%worth it) until we finish our degrees I have two years he has threeish and save up and move to a different state without telling anyone and cutting all communication with the family's .... marriages between cousins in not allowed in our state any way.... has any one done any thing like this ... or cut of communication with familys ?

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happymiss3,

Other than just packing up without a word and leaving, cutting all contact, I like the plan.

I've become known around here for my "broken record speech". You two are following it almost to a tee. It's "Stay in school, and focus on that, stay close, and build the friendship, keep it on the down low to minimize drama, then when you are out of school, and independent, go for it, and don't let ANYONE talk you out of it." Excepting the State, of course. If it's illegal, or worse, criminal there, then by all means, start laying the groundwork now to leave. I know that keeping it on the down low is difficult. But, if it's criminal where you are, you really must. I just looked up the statutes for the States where it is illegal to marry, and Boss (KC) has added some of that to the "State Laws" pages on the link from the main page. I did have a little peek at which State your in, but I don't recall the specifics there, and don't really have time to have a look. It's snowed about 4 or 5 inches here, and I'm going out to play in it, and pick up the GF shortly.

As far as leaving without a word, I wouldn't, unless it were extreme circumstances. If you are of East Indian heritage, sure, there's a much better than average chance you're going to have major drama you don't need to deal with. Other than that, if it were me, when the time is right, I would just announce you two are moving elsewhere together. You go into however much or little about the true nature of your relationship as you are comfortable with. If you have reason to believe you would be physically hindered from leaving, then, by all means, leave, and let family know you've found new digs safely once you are safely set up. Other than that, they need not know the specifics. It does seem a little harsh to disappear without a trace, only to leave two families wondering and worried about your safety, without knowing there would be good reason to do so. Do tell the reasons you think this would be the best course of action, if you will. We may agree...

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what a huge mistake. why?

1) you're not giving your family the credit they deserve. you are assuming they will be unsupportive, so you aren't giving them the chance to BE supportive. fyi, almost everybody who comes here assumes their families will be unsupportive. more than half of those family members turn out to be VERY supportive.

2) the betrayal is on YOUR end. your family loves and trusts you (and him). to keep something secret for a time while you decide if things will work out is one thing. to LIE is another. to lie and LEAVE is incomprehensible. that's not love. that's betrayal.

stay quiet for now if you must. you need to focus on studying, like hawk said. but as for leaving without a word? don't hurt your family the way you two are planning on doing. none of them deserve that. and you and your cousin don't deserve that either. you need family in your life, so until they prove you right, you need to give them the benefit of the doubt.

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Late to the party (as usual) but I gotta agree with LadyC and Hawk here.  If and when it gets to the point that you are going to get married, you at the very least owe your families the chance to be supportive (or unsupportive).  If you do that and your family literally decides to disown one or both of you, that's their decision and a loss they bear.  On one hand, you can't allow yourselves to be ruled and live your lives by their whims (as it appears you are not planning to do) but on the other hand, you bear all of the responsibility for the loss if you do it the way you're planning.

As for success of the plan?  Your mileage may vary.  My wife and I did tell our parents ahead of time.  It was what you might call "disastrous".  Oh boy was that crazy!  Everyone except for my father tried in one way or another to talk (or threaten) us out of it.  Here we are, over two decades and two children later, still very happily married.  Within weeks, my entire family came around (okay, except for maybe one of my aunts on our non-related side that I was never close to anyway - no idea where she stands and, frankly, don't care).  Still waiting on her parents but everyone else on her side eventually came around as well; some very quickly and some took a bit longer.

I hope that helps.  Stay in school, get good grades, remain good friends and make that friendship a lot stronger through a sincere "courtship".  If that happens, you will appreciate your marriage and life together a lot more when tough times come... assuming a lot, of the future, of course.  :D

Best wishes,

CM

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