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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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engel

Just needed a place to say this.

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Hi everyone,

I feel safe here knowing that there are others who have faced trouble similar to mine and have come through for others. Thank you..

Okay, I'm just going to start writing...I'm not sure if I'm dreaming or if this "thing" just happened?? I'm scared/confused/tired/anxious.

This was just was so sudden. My cousin (I don't want to give specifics just yet). He actually looked at me for the first time with that...look. (you know that "look", right?)

I admire him for everything that he is, the way he had done things in his life - someone just so charismatic, empathetic, smart, funny, friendly. I don't know how I can ever go on living my life without his presence in it. These feelings are so sudden...I actually never knew that I was feeling this way until I saw him again after 6 years and...I don't know what's happened to me.

So, the very first time he was introduced to me (even though we are closely related, we had never met before) - I thought "only if he wasn't related to me" - and have always behaved all friendly and normal around him no admiring looks, googly eyes etc.

He is usually SO friendly and gregarious, that I never thought he saw me in this light. I always feel this amazing "energy" when I'm near him - and such similar worldviews and all, that I passed it off as friendship.

Isn't it strange that the very person we decide to hide ourselves from, so well, for so long, already knows? It's as if our souls know each other - and that it's SUCH a waste of effort be pretending at all in the first place?

Ok. So what happened?

I was just smiling into his smiling eyes and all of a sudden, there comes this change in his eyes, and that LOOK.

I was:

Shocked. Looked closer for a flicker of a second to confirm if I was reading the look right, Scared that he would even venture to RISK this,

Felt absolute embarrassment/shyness that he would know that I liked him. When I kept my eyes down I didn't know if I should look back up - or just melt into the floor (like in that movie, Amelie? lol).

Instantly I got worried - what will he think - after all this is forbidden between cousins right?

The thing that's hit me so hard these past few days, and THIS is why I am confused - Did he always like me? Is he trying to make a fool out of me? Does he do this with all women? Does he even LIKE women as people? IF yes, then he hides it SO WELL. If no, then he is someone I have to be wary of - and have a detached look from here on.

Was this something new in him/ OR I am going through some stuff and i'm in a vulnerable place - was he taking advantage of the vulnerability??

*Don't our cousins not know that that we can NEVER look at them the same way again?

*Why did he risk relationship as cousins? Does he not respect me?

I've seen some guys perceive how much a girl likes them and just toy with them and throw them away. Somehow, my instincts tell me he is just playing with me for fun - you know try 'em on for size?

Since I am feeling all this I'm afraid it will show - because whenever we meet there are his people around him who sense this between us - and I think he's mentioned this someone close to him - and I have a feeling they keeps bringing up my history to show him how damaged I am etc. But he just sees this side of me - he doesn't know that survivors are the most tenacious people around.

If he never brings this up and never talks about it/avoids me - If I do see him, how do I NOT feel so anxious around him?

Okay, so how does one actually deal with this kind of shock? I know that he knows, and he know that I know - may be he also so damaged inside and has good cover - that's why I simply know his essence and we relate so well.

As Don Miguel Ruiz says, We should "Never take anything personally" Right?

Somehow, in the future I might find that that I have answered my own questions - with time all things become clear - isn't that the way it works with all of our lives? And in the mean time, it's during times like these that we need all our coping skills. Yes?

IF you did take the time to read through thanks - and if you do have some perspectives on how first-timers can handle this please let me know.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you to give you hope and a future"  Jeremiah 29:11

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hi! hope u don't get me wrong asking your age.. ^_^ i just don't want to think it was just a teenage stuff, changing hormones.. i guess.. lol

most of us cousins have like brothers/sisters attachment.. i mean, we really go along very well with our cousins.. based on your story of having the "looks and smiles.." hmm.. i just really can't tell.. sorry..

some of us are confused of body/face language and even message language.. for example, he texted you a simple "hello!" but u might read it as "hel-lo" :D

if someone is special to us, everything they do will be so important and meaningful.. even if someone called out his/her name, it already gives shivers on our bone.. hehe..

just go ahead, hang-out more with your cousins and other cousins as well.. if really LOVE is on the air, time will come that it will reveal itself.. ^_^

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u can also check some forum topics that might be useful in your situation like, "how will i know if my cousin is in love with me" if still bothered.. browse more topics.. but if you are below 18 yrs old, i advise u to focus on your study first.. ^_^

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Thanks FMI for both your replies and your advice :) I visited those sections - CC is such a great resource. I'm glad we have a place to say our thoughts and get good advice.

So much has happened, so fast, since the last time I posted, I'm just kind of reeling from the events. Such hurtful things that my cousin did to protect himself, like tell his family that I liked him first instead of telling every one that it was HE that did the looking first.

First of all, No I'm not some love-struck hormones-gone-awry youngster. I have enough years behind me to know what's what.

I wonder what kind of coward does this - all so he can protect himself and look good to his family?? You know how when a family has an external threat, even the not-so-friendly members all gather together to protect themselves?  My cousin's mom and sister were not on good terms - bu now that they have a threat in my form, they are united have something to gather together about. I think I was used for this purpose - there is karma to answer to.

The funny thing, is, in every other aspect of his life, he is such a gutsy fellow. He never acts like this. But neither love nor life is for the fearful.

Now I hear that he's seriously pursuing some other girl - this -  from other members of his family. His people are SO happy that they've passed on this news to me, and keep watching my face for any sort of reaction - these two are so possessive of their son/brother, and the dad is extremely fond of external-appearances. I'm just extremely hurt by the way he handled this whole situation.

So, after that first incident, we met about 3 times, all of those times with his family members present. He'd told his sister first that it was I that looked at him as if I was in love with him, and she told the dad. Then the dad told the mom - and thus began a 3 week campaign of everything from suspicious staring, to him making some comment like someone getting married or having a kid (I'd see him looking at me and lower my eyes/look away embarrassed), and he'd nudge his sister to "look at her face" and they'd both look and giggle. Next time, we went out for dinner, and every time someone's brother was mentioned, his sister would make pointed comments like "ahem, do you think we should all wear brother/sister bracelets?" and in spite of his dad sitting there , he'd just stare at me and look at his sister, and the two would again begin making fun of this "whole thing" like it was some new form of entertainment to both of them. But every time, I catch him looking at me, it's never with a straight friendly face - it always has that longing look. If his dad says, "give this to your brother" (yes, the dad says the word 'brother'- not his name), he'd just shoot a glance at me so see how I react to that - god, I feel so used. If he serves himself some food, he'd give me half the portion, and just sit there watching me eating, like he's is one heck of an admirer - wow, how do guys pull even pull this thing off and pretend like they don't care? So why tell everyone that it's the girl that's doing all the "liking" and make himself look good to everyone else? Who does this? Why embarrass me so much in front of close family? Makes me feel so unsafe around him. Is he some guy who's really angry at women? This kind of behavior is a new side to him I have discovered - so disrespectful and inconsiderate.

Then, the last time we met, he started advising me to "don't run from yourself" - well any one with some common sense, being played for a fool, would. Isn't he doing exactly that? As if I can't see through his facade. We were just talking, and I had to keep defending myself - at every turn.

The way he's treated someone who is a woman, a cousin in this manner...hmm leaves a lot to think about. I have sworn to myself - if I ever have any of those "vibes" from any family member again, I will run for the hills.

The MOST hurtful thing, is that he does these things that say that he likes me - and looks at me as if he does - but shows off like he's such a boss and has control of the entire situation - oh and now he's "seriously pursuing" some other girl?? Well, so what if he marries some other girl? If there is an existence beyond me, someone who has faced so many of the same things, and who can walk with me, a friend, philosopher and guide, there is not ONE other soul that I can think of but him. If I go to him with a problem, he gives the best advice - such wisdom. In spite of all my feeling indignant and angry, he IS SO AFRAID and rightfully so - afraid of hurting his family, afraid that people will mock us. I'm just as terrified of what would happen to us if we did follow through with this - we'd have NO contact with any family, lose our support system, and as a man he is doing the best he can.

Why talk about all this - the guy's probably just not into me, and is doing the easy-way-out thing. There I said it.

But now that I know, and he's indirectly informed me that he likes someone "more favorable to the family" - I am gonna just breathe and not keep running over the same things in my head - I have my life to focus on. Thanks CC for being here.

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I'm sorry to hear about all the drama.  This must have been a real eye opener for you!

Consider yourself blessed.  You have seen him for his true colors before your heart got too heavily invested. 

You don't need a man like that in your life - or family like that either.

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Serendipity is right: you don't need somebody this immature and this messed-up in your life.  It sounds like your family is pretty close, so it may be hard to avoid him---but give it the old college try!  When your family is going someplace he'll be, you have a sudden headache or nausea.  If his family is coming to your house, your girlfriends want to go shopping and take in a movie. :wink:  Don't ever say you're avoiding him; just be sure you're unavoidably elsewhere; "sorry."  Believe me, I know how tough it is to avoid seeing a cousin you're afraid to see.  The ball is in his court; if he wants to play, he's the one who has to take some initiative.  And in the process, he has to act like a big boy now.

BTW, I can understand if he feels conflicted; but the right course of action would be to talk honestly with you about it.  Getting his sister and parents to mock you is just inexcusable no matter who he is (assuming he's more than 11 years old!).

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Serendipity, Thank you for saying that. Yes, you are so right - I am really surprised - he's such a smart, common-sense kind of guy, I never thought he'd go about things this way. This whole 3 weeks have been so off the charts as far as the adrenaline pumping through my veins goes. Up-down, Up-down - this whole thing.

His mom - who was a really good friend till this point - has completely gone off (like she's avoiding me,  won't speak with me, stares at me etc) what kind of friend does that? The abandoning kind? :'/ I just sat with her last night, and held her hand - through her telling me to do the "right" thing - after she broke the news about the serious gf. I know how she must feel (she must have big dreams for her son). Yet, nothing direct has even been said yet - most times it is understood, right?

Serendipity is right: you don't need somebody this immature and this messed-up in your life.  It sounds like your family is pretty close, so it may be hard to avoid him---but give it the old college try!  When your family is going someplace he'll be, you have a sudden headache or nausea.  If his family is coming to your house, your girlfriends want to go shopping and take in a movie. :wink:  Don't ever say you're avoiding him; just be sure you're unavoidably elsewhere; "sorry."  Believe me, I know how tough it is to avoid seeing a cousin you're afraid to see.  The ball is in his court; if he wants to play, he's the one who has to take some initiative.  And in the process, he has to act like a big boy now.

BTW, I can understand if he feels conflicted; but the right course of action would be to talk honestly with you about it.  Getting his sister and parents to mock you is just inexcusable no matter who he is (assuming he's more than 11 years old!).

Lol, that just cheered me up a bit - and omg how timely - I was just told that he's bringing his gf to some family event, and that I have to be going as well. I did the avoidance thing a couple times, and he'd inevitably show up a couple days later for some other legit reason. We went to his dad's birthday dinner, and his dad specifically asked me not to go anywhere, and to join them - same with this upcoming event (i'm already getting nervous). At this point, his family is trying to marry him off knowing he about to "commit a crime" with me. I would be the happiest woman in the world if he were to take some initiative and talk with me about it. Thanks for writing that part about the inexcusable behavior - we all have our dignity, don't we? and to insult someone in this...I don't want to keep talking about it. I just want to say thanks so much for comforting me at this time.

Today has been such an upsetting day for me - and any kind of consolation gives me much relief. Thank you.

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...maybe he is, in an immature way, trying to gauge everyone's reaction by using you as a sacrificial mule...

Sometimes it is better to learn that the convertible leaks in the dealership parking lot before you sign the papers and are stuck with the payment...

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"Sometimes it is better to learn that the convertible leaks in the dealership parking lot before you sign the papers and are stuck with the payment..."

What a great line!  If his family is wanting him to get married, he must be more than 14, but from his behavior, he's emotionally about 14.  Frankly, you don't need that level of immaturity.

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