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kiwisky1

feeling defeated!!

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My cousin and I have had this strange relationship for coming up 8 years, in 2005 my father passed away from cancer, it started not long after the funeral. My first cousin and I have always been the closest of friends there was no feeling of anything other then best friends. I cant even remember how it happened but we just kissed and it felt normal, we knew we could never do anything past kissing and hugging and having all theses emotions for each other, we have strong family ties and there is just no way ever that it would be OK for us to be together. We haven't even had a conversation about any of what has gone on we are both not very good at talking. Our lives we live make it so we only see each other maybe once or twice a year if we are lucky, however we always end up in the same predicament.The last 3 years things have slowed right down just due to circumstances of the gatherings so my feelings have turned into does he even like me anymore?????He is openly affectionate in front of our family NOTHING major just the extra long hugs and he always says he loves me.I'm thinking it is more as a cousin these days but I will never know because we dint talk about it.  I'm 31 now I have 4 children and in 9weeks I am getting married, I know what I feel is horribly wrong and in a perfect world we would be together. This is not the case and I am not that lucky. I saw him again just yesterday it is still uncomfortable sitting with him and just pretending I'm OK when really I just want to hold him. Ive tried so hard to have as little contact with him, deleting him from all contacts, making sure I am with one of my kids at family affairs. The visit went well and little was said and I thought OK that went well, to be honest I was a little hurt that I didn't get him alone to talk. So I left thinking we would just see each other next time in a year or so. He went to Australia for a family birthday, and he called me I didn't even give my number to him. We text ed well into the night nothing great just catching up kind of stuff. I am wondering if what we had may be wearing off??? It would hurt but it would make things easier for me!!! I know we will never be together, He has the same name as my dad and everyone adores him our family is just too close for this to keep going. I want to forget him and carry on with the life I have it is just too hard!! he will be at my wedding and I will have to look the other way. I feel defeated and I am with someone great and deep down he is not the love of my life!!!

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what a sad prediciment for you to  be in.

Sounds like you really need to talk, the two of you, even if it is through text.

Nine weeks is not far off.  Is it fair to any of the three involved, you, cousin and hubby to be

not to get some closure on this issue?

You might try using the old line of if you weren't my cousin i would like to date you, or you

possess the qualities I look/ed for in a partner.  If he reacts negatively you can always say I said

IF.  I know it seems a little late to be using these tactics, but you need to know how he feels or

where he stands on the situation.  You may have built something in your mind that is not what it is.

If that is the case you need to have an answer from cousin as to his feelings and thoughts on the

situation.  If he indeed does not see the situation as you do then you can free your mind and concentrate

on your marriage and new family. If you do see it the same,  delaying the wedding or calling it off

entirely may have to be an option.

I understand, and can even hear you say but I can't do that!  You also can't go in to a marriage

loving someone else and feeling they are the "love of your life" and in essence just settling for

some one who is"great".

I do wish you the best in finding the answer you need to go forward with your life

with either of these men.  Take care, keep us posted.

You have come to a great place for advice and support.

We have some great members here and you may get more advice to help

you sort things out.

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What concerns me is this:

I feel defeated and I am with someone great and deep down he is not the love of my life!!!

No matter what happens between you and your cousin, do you want to go into a marriage with someone you don't love?

Or could it be, like Romalee suggested,  that you have built this up in your mind? Perhaps you are missing out on enjoying the true love of your life - your fiance?

This also concerns me:

I know what I feel is horribly wrong...

Your feelings are not wrong.  It is never wrong to feel attraction to someone.  What would be wrong is marrying someone you don't love and going to your grave having never discovered if what you feel for your cousin is mutual.

Without meaning to sound harsh, it seems that if this song and dance has been going on for 8 years without any type of move on either party's part, you may have your answer already and just don't want to admit it.  I do understand that sometimes we let love slip out of our hands - I did years ago and am blessed that I've been given another chance at love.  You will never have peace about this until you either decide that you have made your decision and you're going to be happy with it, or you talk to your cousin and find out if there's any chance with him.  Realize that if you get a positive response from your cousin and you decide to break off your wedding plans, you will be severing all ties with your fiance. 

I can only image how frustrating and confusing  this is for you.  This is a big decision!! But you are now 31 years old and it's time to do the right thing for everyone and figure out what you want! 

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